930 Forums
=> GENERAL DISCUSSION => Topic started by: Relaxer on February 24, 2016, 11:42:51 am
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Nothing like waking up ridiculously hungover to a text that reads "Good morning you goddamn fucker."
Share this ride with me.
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don't suppose we can get an Instagram account a-la GWARbq
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Share this ride with me.
Julian/Relaxer whisky weekend in NYC? Dead Rabbit, here we come!
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moar deetz needed please. :o
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Did you buy a sports car yet? 8)
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oooh i like this!
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All will be revealed for you to laugh at my ridiculous attempts to make connections. This thread will be a work in progress.
First rule I learned: Grindr has a different target audience than Tinder.
I will not be buying a sports car. I have a killer Honda Odyssey minivan that I'm pretty sure will make the ladies hot and bothered. When I roll up with -- count'em -- three rows of seating, I'll be looking like Mr. Man right there.
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Also, last night, I told two separate women via text that "I spent 4 years knuckle-deep in little boy asshole" because I used that line on Walkonby and I'm pretty sure he was attracted to me as a result.
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Also, last night, I told two separate women via text that "I spent 4 years knuckle-deep in little boy asshole" because I used that line on Walkonby and I'm pretty sure he was attracted to me as a result.
**slowly walks out of thread**
best of luck relaxer!
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Nothing like waking up ridiculously hungover to a text that reads "Good morning you goddamn fucker."
Share this ride with me.
How much did you pay out in your divorce?
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Nothing like waking up ridiculously hungover to a text that reads "Good morning you goddamn fucker."
Share this ride with me.
Which one of your sons sent that text?
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Share this ride with me.
i call shotgun!
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Nothing like waking up ridiculously hungover to a text that reads "Good morning you goddamn fucker."
At least you didn't lose your phone.
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I nominate Smackie to serve as Relaxer's wingman.....
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I nominate Smackie to serve as Relaxer's wingman.....
Actually we have a bit of a faceswap going on with the two. Smackie is now a respectable married man and Relaxer is now a womanizing lush. If Relaxer starts giving us tech suggestions and Smacks starts weight-lifiting and ranting about NPR, it will be complete. As was prophesied!
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I nominate Smackie to serve as Relaxer's wingman.....
Actually we have a bit of a faceswap going on with the two. Smackie is now a respectable married man and Relaxer is now a womanizing lush. If Relaxer starts giving us tech suggestions and Smacks starts weight-lifiting and ranting about NPR, it will be complete. As was prophesied!
our very own take on Face/Off, oh boy!
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I nominate Smackie to serve as Relaxer's wingman.....
My flight pattern is a little full - I've actually got my ex-wife's best friends soon to be ex-husband living with me right now as he was kicked out over the weekend.
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I nominate Smackie to serve as Relaxer's wingman.....
My flight pattern is a little full - I've actually got my ex-wife's best friends soon to be ex-husband living with me right now as he was kicked out over the weekend.
Kicked out? Wow, that's harsh.
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I nominate Smackie to serve as Relaxer's wingman.....
My flight pattern is a little full - I've actually got my ex-wife's best friends soon to be ex-husband living with me right now as he was kicked out over the weekend.
Kicked out? Wow, that's harsh.
It beats a frying pan to the head.
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my ex-wife's best friends soon to be ex-husband living with me right now as he was kicked out over the weekend.
oh wow... story please! this is the perfect thread for it too, since he's about to become newly single again. and i'm sure he doesn't read this board, so it'll be fine.
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Kicked out? Wow, that's harsh.
oh wow... story please! this is the perfect thread for it too, since he's about to become newly single again. and i'm sure he doesn't read this board, so it'll be fine.
Remember that scene in Hi Fidelity when Joan Cusack's character calls Rob an asshole and hangs up? Rob then explains that he might be an asshole because he slept with a woman during a quasi-breakup while Laura was pregnant, but in his defense he didn't actually know she was pregnant.
Well, my mate knew his wife was pregnant with their second child and had an affair. And I don't think this was his first.
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Well, my mate knew his wife was pregnant with their second child and had an affair. And I don't think this was his first.
He probably DID deserve a frying pan to the head.
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Kicked out? Wow, that's harsh.
oh wow... story please! this is the perfect thread for it too, since he's about to become newly single again. and i'm sure he doesn't read this board, so it'll be fine.
Remember that scene in Hi Fidelity when Joan Cusack's character calls Rob an asshole and hangs up? Rob then explains that he might be an asshole because he slept with a woman during a quasi-breakup while Laura was pregnant, but in his defense he didn't actually know she was pregnant.
Well, my mate knew his wife was pregnant with their second child and had an affair. And I don't think this was his first.
sounds like a good guy!
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Welcome. I'm 41, going on 42 and have been single for 2 years. It's weird.
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no comment yet from walkonby? ;D
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no comment yet from walkonby? ;D
I assumed, he was, too busy, masturbating, furiously.
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Well, my mate knew his wife was pregnant with their second child and had an affair. And I don't think this was his first.
He probably DID deserve a frying pan to the head.
yeah...that's some lamesauce if I've ever heard it
not sure I'd let that guy sleep on my couch after that
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There are no "sides" when there are children involved.
I don't know the full story about their marriage, I don't care to know the full story about their marriage and my main interest is the children's best interest.
He may be a terrible husband (and in particular for that woman) but he's an excellent father.
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on this journey as well. did wonders for my ability to go to shows.
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There are no "sides" when there are children involved.
I don't know the full story about their marriage, I don't care to know the full story about their marriage and my main interest is the children's best interest.
He may be a terrible husband (and in particular for that woman) but he's an excellent father.
I agree and your take is very mature (unlike most parents involved in a divorce with kids)
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no comment yet from walkonby? ;D
I assumed, he was, too busy, masturbating, furiously.
mentally, I was. great, great thread. I assume this one is going places. im not sure if I approve of the . . . oh never,mind.
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There are no "sides" when there are children involved.
I don't know the full story about their marriage, I don't care to know the full story about their marriage and my main interest is the children's best interest.
He may be a terrible husband (and in particular for that woman) but he's an excellent father.
Is a quality of an excellent father cheating on your children's mother? Just wondering.
P.S. I feel like James Ford right now.
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On my end, this journey begins with the collapse of my marriage. Nothing specific triggered it. There was no infidelity, no huge emotional event, just a widening of a gap that emerged after a few years with her. We did couples therapy, we tried having sex every day, we scheduled frequent and consistent date nights. These would salve our issues for a time, but then we'd return to bickering and arguing and not talking. Finally she decided to move out, perhaps as a temporary fix, break or relief (this is my interpretation and I easily may be incorrect), but I took this opportunity to end the relationship once and for all.
Anyway, once singlehood found me, I began assessing my options. A friend of mine talked about finding hook-up partners on CraigsList, so I took a look at that. Holy shit, what a decadent fuck-swamp that is. Seriously, 99% of the personal ads there involve prostitutes, financial scams, sugar daddy solicitations, and open wounds. However, I hit the 1% lottery by meeting K, a 26 year old African American bodybuilder whose husband neglected her. We exchanged emails for a week and then met, purely platonically of course. She wasn't particularly interesting but her body was magnificent. On our first meeting, she talked about herself non-stop for two hours while I drank glass after glass of Irish whiskey. I think what she really wanted was someone to listen to her, which I had no choice but to do, so finally she stopped talking and within seconds had aggressively initiated action.
For the next few weeks, we met every couple of days (always when my kids were with their mom) and the same routine would apply. She'd talk and talk and never ask anything about me, and then we'd go to bed. It got boring because she'd tell the same stories again and again, but I always kept my eyes on the prize, and our bedroom sessions were astronomical. It's weird being with a woman who can bench more than I can, and I can bench quite a bit.
One night she was going to come over but my ex-wife was being really pushy about what I was doing that night and she said she was going to come over to pick up some things. So I knew hosting was not an option. I happened to have the keys to a neighbors house, who were out of town but returning the next morning. I don't know them well but I figured "Hey, empty house!" So she and I met there and as evil/disgusting as it is, we ended up on their bed with a white comforter. What I did not know was that K was at the end of her monthly beautiful time, and the subsequent mess made my heart pretty much stop. I mean, it was everywhere. And they were due home in 12 hours.
So we scoured their house for stain remover or hydrogen peroxide and finding none, I ran home to get ours. As I was coming out of the bathroom, my ex-wife walks in the door (K had stayed behind at the other house) and immediately says "What's the peroxide for?" I tell her I have an ear ache and that I was going to pour some in there, so I am forced to do that as she makes a show of looking for the "thing" she came to fetch. Finally she leaves, I clean out my ear, and race back. Ten minutes later, we're almost done cleaning the stains (and thanking Christ it wasn't a light blue or yellow comforter) when my phone rings and it's my ex again wanting to know where I went, because she'd returned to the house. I said I went for a walk to clear my head/ear and she was extremely dubious.
Within a week, K and I were having yet again the conversation about how her husband is an asshole and I finally piped up and told her (nicely) that she should take action rather than just bitch to her secret lover. She took that to heart, unfortunately, and that was the last night we saw each other. I was ok with that, as it was the perfect introduction into becoming single again.
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On my end, this journey begins with the collapse of my marriage. Nothing specific triggered it. There was no infidelity, no huge emotional event, just a widening of a gap that emerged after a few years with her. We did couples therapy, we tried having sex every day, we scheduled frequent and consistent date nights. These would salve our issues for a time, but then we'd return to bickering and arguing and not talking. Finally she decided to move out, perhaps as a temporary fix, break or relief (this is my interpretation and I easily may be incorrect), but I took this opportunity to end the relationship once and for all.
Anyway, once singlehood found me, I began assessing my options. A friend of mine talked about finding hook-up partners on CraigsList, so I took a look at that. Holy shit, what a decadent fuck-swamp that is. Seriously, 99% of the personal ads there involve prostitutes, financial scams, sugar daddy solicitations, and open wounds. However, I hit the 1% lottery by meeting K, a 26 year old African American bodybuilder whose husband neglected her. We exchanged emails for a week and then met, purely platonically of course. She wasn't particularly interesting but her body was magnificent. On our first meeting, she talked about herself non-stop for two hours while I drank glass after glass of Irish whiskey. I think what she really wanted was someone to listen to her, which I had no choice but to do, so finally she stopped talking and within seconds had aggressively initiated action.
For the next few weeks, we met every couple of days (always when my kids were with their mom) and the same routine would apply. She'd talk and talk and never ask anything about me, and then we'd go to bed. It got boring because she'd tell the same stories again and again, but I always kept my eyes on the prize, and our bedroom sessions were astronomical. It's weird being with a woman who can bench more than I can, and I can bench quite a bit.
One night she was going to come over but my ex-wife was being really pushy about what I was doing that night and she said she was going to come over to pick up some things. So I knew hosting was not an option. I happened to have the keys to a neighbors house, who were out of town but returning the next morning. I don't know them well but I figured "Hey, empty house!" So she and I met there and as evil/disgusting as it is, we ended up on their bed with a white comforter. What I did not know was that K was at the end of her monthly beautiful time, and the subsequent mess made my heart pretty much stop. I mean, it was everywhere. And they were due home in 12 hours.
So we scoured their house for stain remover or hydrogen peroxide and finding none, I ran home to get ours. As I was coming out of the bathroom, my ex-wife walks in the door (K had stayed behind at the other house) and immediately says "What's the peroxide for?" I tell her I have an ear ache and that I was going to pour some in there, so I am forced to do that as she makes a show of looking for the "thing" she came to fetch. Finally she leaves, I clean out my ear, and race back. Ten minutes later, we're almost done cleaning the stains (and thanking Christ it wasn't a light blue or yellow comforter) when my phone rings and it's my ex again wanting to know where I went, because she'd returned to the house. I said I went for a walk to clear my head/ear and she was extremely dubious.
Within a week, K and I were having yet again the conversation about how her husband is an asshole and I finally piped up and told her (nicely) that she should take action rather than just bitch to her secret lover. She took that to heart, unfortunately, and that was the last night we saw each other. I was ok with that, as it was the perfect introduction into becoming single again.
Instant Hall Of Fame. No doubt.
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man this is getting good...welcome back relaxer
"I clean out my ear"
way to think on your feet.
Personally I don't lie at all to my wife, because without exception, I get caught
so better to take the lumps up front in my case
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EpiQ post, would read again. A+++
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Relaxer - Holy shit! Not a judgement reaction. Just a reaction. Think I need a cigarette and I don't even smoke.
Sorry to hear about your marriage going to crap. At least you and your ex aren't dragging it out making your kids nuts and miserable. I'm sure the choice you made wasn't an easy one.
As for Craigslist, bad idea. I tried hooking up with this married guy from Craigslist. Well I did once and it was just a bad idea. Ugh. It's still one of those things I think to myself "What the fuck was I thinking?" I should mention, I'm single and 30. He was 30 and married, and with issues. Learned a good lesson in not being desperate when bored. And to realize when a hookup is being horrifically one sided. (He was a greedy asshole) and now I realized I just said some really personal crap on here ha.
I think it's awesome you told this lady to quit bitching and do something about her own shit. But you get serious kudos from me, I'm 30 and can't stand most 25 year olds. Can't imagine being in my early 40's and dealing with a needy 25 year old. (Which now makes me wonder if this is how my one co-worker views me. We don't talk much, but he's 41 and I so had a crush on him last year.)
I want to get married and have a family someday but I guess while I'm doing the whole dating thing for that, I have this sort of stuff to look forward to in 12 - 15 years.
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There are no "sides" when there are children involved.
I don't know the full story about their marriage, I don't care to know the full story about their marriage and my main interest is the children's best interest.
He may be a terrible husband (and in particular for that woman) but he's an excellent father.
Is a quality of an excellent father cheating on your children's mother? Just wondering.
P.S. I feel like James Ford right now.
ha! when i read this I was convinced it was James Ford!
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I'm single and 30.
Well, hello there. . . Do you come here often? I'm Julian, by the way.
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On my end, this journey begins with the collapse of my marriage. Nothing specific triggered it. There was no infidelity, no huge emotional event, just a widening of a gap that emerged after a few years with her. We did couples therapy, we tried having sex every day, we scheduled frequent and consistent date nights. These would salve our issues for a time, but then we'd return to bickering and arguing and not talking. Finally she decided to move out, perhaps as a temporary fix, break or relief (this is my interpretation and I easily may be incorrect), but I took this opportunity to end the relationship once and for all.
Anyway, once singlehood found me, I began assessing my options. A friend of mine talked about finding hook-up partners on CraigsList, so I took a look at that. Holy shit, what a decadent fuck-swamp that is. Seriously, 99% of the personal ads there involve prostitutes, financial scams, sugar daddy solicitations, and open wounds. However, I hit the 1% lottery by meeting K, a 26 year old African American bodybuilder whose husband neglected her. We exchanged emails for a week and then met, purely platonically of course. She wasn't particularly interesting but her body was magnificent. On our first meeting, she talked about herself non-stop for two hours while I drank glass after glass of Irish whiskey. I think what she really wanted was someone to listen to her, which I had no choice but to do, so finally she stopped talking and within seconds had aggressively initiated action.
For the next few weeks, we met every couple of days (always when my kids were with their mom) and the same routine would apply. She'd talk and talk and never ask anything about me, and then we'd go to bed. It got boring because she'd tell the same stories again and again, but I always kept my eyes on the prize, and our bedroom sessions were astronomical. It's weird being with a woman who can bench more than I can, and I can bench quite a bit.
One night she was going to come over but my ex-wife was being really pushy about what I was doing that night and she said she was going to come over to pick up some things. So I knew hosting was not an option. I happened to have the keys to a neighbors house, who were out of town but returning the next morning. I don't know them well but I figured "Hey, empty house!" So she and I met there and as evil/disgusting as it is, we ended up on their bed with a white comforter. What I did not know was that K was at the end of her monthly beautiful time, and the subsequent mess made my heart pretty much stop. I mean, it was everywhere. And they were due home in 12 hours.
So we scoured their house for stain remover or hydrogen peroxide and finding none, I ran home to get ours. As I was coming out of the bathroom, my ex-wife walks in the door (K had stayed behind at the other house) and immediately says "What's the peroxide for?" I tell her I have an ear ache and that I was going to pour some in there, so I am forced to do that as she makes a show of looking for the "thing" she came to fetch. Finally she leaves, I clean out my ear, and race back. Ten minutes later, we're almost done cleaning the stains (and thanking Christ it wasn't a light blue or yellow comforter) when my phone rings and it's my ex again wanting to know where I went, because she'd returned to the house. I said I went for a walk to clear my head/ear and she was extremely dubious.
Within a week, K and I were having yet again the conversation about how her husband is an asshole and I finally piped up and told her (nicely) that she should take action rather than just bitch to her secret lover. She took that to heart, unfortunately, and that was the last night we saw each other. I was ok with that, as it was the perfect introduction into becoming single again.
Instant Hall Of Fame. No doubt.
+1
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Is a quality of an excellent father cheating on your children's mother? Just wondering.
P.S. I feel like James Ford right now.
That's because it's a very narrow view, breaking down the discussion to the bare minimum a la Rhett.
Obviously, we would all hope for the parental unit to stay together, and in the absence of that, the parents try to work things out between them before something like this happens. I don't know if that did or did not happen, but I do know the one thing - he was good in the relationship at taking care of the kids, much better than she was, hence the second child was probably an attempt at repairing other problems. And foolish.
As I've gotten older I've met many people who are great spouses but horrible parents or great parents but horrible spouses. The important thing is you're an adult and can screw your own life up anyway you want, but not the kids lives. You brought them into this world and it's your responsibility to raise them. Don't skirt that.
Do I wish he would have reached out to me sooner? Of course.
Do I wish he would have ended it before moving on? Of course.
But do I want the kids raised in an environment where mommy and daddy are fighting all the time for the next 18 years, married or divorced? Never, and that's why I'm helping.
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On my end, this journey begins with the collapse of my marriage.
Wait. You got divorced/separated and decided to spend that new freedom sleeping with one person who would never shut up over and over again?
Maybe you do need me as a wingman.
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Relaxer - Holy shit! Not a judgement reaction. Just a reaction. Think I need a cigarette and I don't even smoke.
Sorry to hear about your marriage going to crap. At least you and your ex aren't dragging it out making your kids nuts and miserable. I'm sure the choice you made wasn't an easy one.
As for Craigslist, bad idea. I tried hooking up with this married guy from Craigslist. Well I did once and it was just a bad idea. Ugh. It's still one of those things I think to myself "What the fuck was I thinking?" I should mention, I'm single and 30. He was 30 and married, and with issues. Learned a good lesson in not being desperate when bored. And to realize when a hookup is being horrifically one sided. (He was a greedy asshole) and now I realized I just said some really personal crap on here ha.
I think it's awesome you told this lady to quit bitching and do something about her own shit. But you get serious kudos from me, I'm 30 and can't stand most 25 year olds. Can't imagine being in my early 40's and dealing with a needy 25 year old. (Which now makes me wonder if this is how my one co-worker views me. We don't talk much, but he's 41 and I so had a crush on him last year.)
I want to get married and have a family someday but I guess while I'm doing the whole dating thing for that, I have this sort of stuff to look forward to in 12 - 15 years.
I smell a board romance... and it ain't the stinky sheets next door to Relaxer's house.
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Thanks everyone.
So my second foray Out There was a return to CraigsList (for some reason, I was still hesitant to enter the Tinder pool). My thinking on what I was looking for was a precarious balance between wanting a substantial, loving relationship, since I felt like I hadn't been in one for years, and just wanting to hook up for sexy times. "I'll let Craig and his List decide for me!" I declared to no one.
My usual CL routine is to start with Strictly Platonic. This might seem counter-intuitive to my goals since it fulfills neither, but I've discovered through research that many women find the Platonic section a more safe place to express themselves and their wants. I have yet to find success with a Platonic ad, but I've come pretty sexily close.
Next I got to 'Women Seeking Men' to see what's in this salad bar of babes. A good percentage of these posts are earnest, though many seem to be either in the 50s and 60s range or in the 25 and younger zone, neither of which I'm interested in. There are occasional solicitations for casual grappling, but they're few and far in between. After getting my fill here, I'll make a quick check into "Misc Romance" but there's usually nothing there at all. As in, no posts whatsoever. I strategically skip over 'Casual Encounters' to check 'Missed Connections' just in the event an old ex or eye-fuck victim placed an ad to catch my eye. Hasn't happened yet, but time is a long line forward!
And then, usually with a weary sigh, I click on 'Casual Encounters.' If you want to see some of the worst of humanity, the most debased of our culture, here is a good place to begin. And I'm just talking about the W4M section! You should see the M4W section or, even more sordid, M4M. No judgement from this guy, who loves and celebrates his gay brothers, but they really get down to business quick there. Ambiguity does not exist in M4M Casual Encounters.
Anyway, Casual Encounters is almost entirely bogus ads. You can spot these quite easily by the mangling of the English language, the 4 pictures in a row that are all identical, the weird spacing where the first paragraph is followed by 8 inches of blank space, the complete disconnect between the age or situation stated in the title and that given in the body of the ad. I mean, these ads must be written by blind typists. They will completely contradict themselves, often within the same sentence. And then there's the ads expressing words and thoughts that have never been publicly uttered by any woman ever. These ads include words and phrases such as pound, gaping, squirter, anonymous anal, glory hole, pegging, unload, and car-date.
However, continue to look and occasionally you'll see one that A) is coherent and expresses an actual human thought, B) lists a part of the DC Metro area that is actually in the DC Metro area, and C) doesn't command you to come over right now, unzip, unload, and then leave. There will also not be a photo. Real women looking for love and/or sex on the Internet do not put their photo on the internet, particularly photos that show their peeled-open insides.
SO! On this fateful day, Craig determined that I meet R, yet another married woman not finding fulfillment at home. R is a lovely, buxom Latina woman who was very shy and demure in our initial internet exchanges. She actually scolded me for suggesting we discuss the logistics of meeting, even though we'd exchanged dozens of emails at this point. So I dropped the subject and was even about to end our discourse when one day, she started sending me pictures. Sexy pictures. Like, an invisible thump from my desk echoes throughout my office as I fail to breathe for 90 seconds. "I must say t'would appear to be on," I remember thinking. And surely it was!
Confident that her interests were as prurient as mine had become, I respectfully but pointedly said I wanted to meet her. She finally agreed. As a mother of five young children, and living in like Germantown or some shit, this was difficult for her but she managed to make it happen. On my end, I was reluctant to use my own house, the memory of the hydrogen peroxide still dribbling out of my ear. So I did what any 45 year old man would do -- I told her to meet me at my parents' house, who were away for the weekend. Of course I did not tell her this was my parent's house because that would be weird. I said it was a friend's house.
So the fateful night arrives. As she comes into the house, she is visibly very nervous. I've had a few drinks to loosen myself up, so I go into 'mellow cool cat' vibe to make her feel at ease, which is successful. I lead her to the living room couch, where she sits right up against the far end. I pour her some wine, and we begin to chat. It's 70% her complaining about her husband, but she's interested in my situation and asks questions. She loosens up. I'm taking a self-deprecating-humor tack with her, and she's eating it up, laughing loudly and often. Then her hand starts landing on my knee as she makes a pertinent point. In my mind, I'm cocking my eyebrow and smirking into a mirror. And then, like a bomb exploding in the house, she just scooches over and lays on a big sloppy smooch. I'm taken aback by the furious haste with which she makes her move, but I'm not in a position to complain.
Within 60 seconds it seems, we're right into action - no foreplay, no murmured smooth-talk, just all up in there. And then this horny little bird begins to sing. And when I say sing, I mean she begins to holler, to screamingly narrate every sensation she is feeling. It is a virtual cacophony of human sexual expression. At first, it's stimulating. "Who's still got it?!?!?" I champion to myself. But it is SO LOUD. And this neighborhood is comprised of attached row houses. Just when I start to realize she sounds like a murder victim, there is an aggressive knocking on the front door. We both freeze, as we're situated about 10 feet from the door. The beating comes again. I'm realizing I have no choice but to at least see who it is. I peek out the side window, and it's their gruff neighbor Dan. He looks disturbed and keeps looking over at the area where I know my parents keep their hide-a-key. If I don't do something right now, Dan is coming in. Having no time for niceties, I answer the door with an afghan covering my shame.
Dan is quite taken aback. Dan knows who I am, which in his mind is the married family man whose parents live in this house. His look of surprise slowly shifts to a sly yeah-buddy smirk. Not knowing what approach to take, for some reason I do the Anthony Weiner Remorseful Mouth and say, with my eyes, "Whattyagonnado." Dan turns and chuckles all the way down my parent's front walk.
R and I return to the couch, and she is immediately Right Back Where She Was. Unfortunately, the condom is not accommodating a deflate-and-then-inflate dynamic, and it's the only one I brought. Sensing defeat, I assume we're done, but she will not be denied and forces the continuation. As soon as the sinful act is finished, and I have removed myself from her, she sees the lonely, unused condom on the floor and FUCKING LOSES HER SHIT. Imagine Sofía Vergara on Modern Family with the rapid fire spanish cursing and you'll get an image.
In the middle of her diatribe, she notices a photo on the wall. It is a photo of me, my ex-wife, and our children, along with my parents. There is a moment, probably lasting 5 seconds, when she is staring at this picture as if watching her family be put to death. She turns to me, she turns back to the photo, I can see a flock of birds flying scatteredly in her brain as she tries, in vain, to put the pieces together. Then she slowly begins to move, each act slow and deliberate, toward her clothes. She dresses with such measured fury that I can only watch in horrific fascination, completely unconcerned about my own vulnerable nudity. Finally she looks at me and speaks.
"You brought me to your own house and came in my pussy. You are a liar and you are evil. I may call the police."
She storms out, and that's the last time I speak to R.
Epilogue: I realize, four days after my parents have returned from their trip, that I neglected to pick up the condom off of the floor. We've never spoken about it.
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Thanks everyone.
So my second foray Out There was a return to CraigsList (for some reason, I was still hesitant to enter the Tinder pool). My thinking on what I was looking for was a precarious balance between wanting a substantial, loving relationship, since I felt like I hadn't been in one for years, and just wanting to hook up for sexy times. "I'll let Craig and his List decide for me!" I declared to no one.
My usual CL routine is to start with Strictly Platonic. This might seem counter-intuitive to my goals since it fulfills neither, but I've discovered through research that many women find the Platonic section a more safe place to express themselves and their wants. I have yet to find success with a Platonic ad, but I've come pretty sexily close.
Next I got to 'Women Seeking Men' to see what's in this salad bar of babes. A good percentage of these posts are earnest, though many seem to be either in the 50s and 60s range or in the 25 and younger zone, neither of which I'm interested in. There are occasional solicitations for casual grappling, but they're few and far in between. After getting my fill here, I'll make a quick check into "Misc Romance" but there's usually nothing there at all. As in, no posts whatsoever. I strategically skip over 'Casual Encounters' to check 'Missed Connections' just in the event an old ex or eye-fuck victim placed an ad to catch my eye. Hasn't happened yet, but time is a long line forward!
And then, usually with a weary sigh, I click on 'Casual Encounters.' If you want to see some of the worst of humanity, the most debased of our culture, here is a good place to begin. And I'm just talking about the W4M section! You should see the M4W section or, even more sordid, M4M. No judgement from this guy, who loves and celebrates his gay brothers, but they really get down to business quick there. Ambiguity does not exist in M4M Casual Encounters.
Anyway, Casual Encounters is almost entirely bogus ads. You can spot these quite easily by the mangling of the English language, the 4 pictures in a row that are all identical, the weird spacing where the first paragraph is followed by 8 inches of blank space, the complete disconnect between the age or situation stated in the title and that given in the body of the ad. I mean, these ads must be written by blind typists. They will completely contradict themselves, often within the same sentence. And then there's the ads expressing words and thoughts that have never been publicly uttered by any woman ever. These ads include words and phrases such as pound, gaping, squirter, anonymous anal, glory hole, pegging, unload, and car-date.
However, continue to look and occasionally you'll see one that A) is coherent and expresses an actual human thought, B) lists a part of the DC Metro area that is actually in the DC Metro area, and C) doesn't command you to come over right now, unzip, unload, and then leave. There will also not be a photo. Real women looking for love and/or sex on the Internet do not put their photo on the internet, particularly photos that show their peeled-open insides.
SO! On this fateful day, Craig determined that I meet R, yet another married woman not finding fulfillment at home. R is a lovely, buxom Latina woman who was very shy and demure in our initial internet exchanges. She actually scolded me for suggesting we discuss the logistics of meeting, even though we'd exchanged dozens of emails at this point. So I dropped the subject and was even about to end our discourse when one day, she started sending me pictures. Sexy pictures. Like, an invisible thump from my desk echoes throughout my office as I fail to breathe for 90 seconds. "I must say t'would appear to be on," I remember thinking. And surely it was!
Confident that her interests were as prurient as mine had become, I respectfully but pointedly said I wanted to meet her. She finally agreed. As a mother of five young children, and living in like Germantown or some shit, this was difficult for her but she managed to make it happen. On my end, I was reluctant to use my own house, the memory of the hydrogen peroxide still dribbling out of my ear. So I did what any 45 year old man would do -- I told her to meet me at my parents' house, who were away for the weekend. Of course I did not tell her this was my parent's house because that would be weird. I said it was a friend's house.
So the fateful night arrives. As she comes into the house, she is visibly very nervous. I've had a few drinks to loosen myself up, so I go into 'mellow cool cat' vibe to make her feel at ease, which is successful. I lead her to the living room couch, where she sits right up against the far end. I pour her some wine, and we begin to chat. It's 70% her complaining about her husband, but she's interested in my situation and asks questions. She loosens up. I'm taking a self-deprecating-humor tack with her, and she's eating it up, laughing loudly and often. Then her hand starts landing on my knee as she makes a pertinent point. In my mind, I'm cocking my eyebrow and smirking into a mirror. And then, like a bomb exploding in the house, she just scooches over and lays on a big sloppy smooch. I'm taken aback by the furious haste with which she makes her move, but I'm not in a position to complain.
Within 60 seconds it seems, we're right into action - no foreplay, no murmured smooth-talk, just all up in there. And then this horny little bird begins to sing. And when I say sing, I mean she begins to holler, to screamingly narrate every sensation she is feeling. It is a virtual cacophony of human sexual expression. At first, it's stimulating. "Who's still got it?!?!?" I champion to myself. But it is SO LOUD. And this neighborhood is comprised of attached row houses. Just when I start to realize she sounds like a murder victim, there is an aggressive knocking on the front door. We both freeze, as we're situated about 10 feet from the door. The beating comes again. I'm realizing I have no choice but to at least see who it is. I peek out the side window, and it's their gruff neighbor Dan. He looks disturbed and keeps looking over at the area where I know my parents keep their hide-a-key. If I don't do something right now, Dan is coming in. Having no time for niceties, I answer the door with an afghan covering my shame.
Dan is quite taken aback. Dan knows who I am, which in his mind is the married family man whose parents live in this house. His look of surprise slowly shifts to a sly yeah-buddy smirk. Not knowing what approach to take, for some reason I do the Anthony Weiner Remorseful Mouth and say, with my eyes, "Whattyagonnado." Dan turns and chuckles all the way down my parent's front walk.
R and I return to the couch, and she is immediately Right Back Where She Was. Unfortunately, the condom is not accommodating a deflate-and-then-inflate dynamic, and it's the only one I brought. Sensing defeat, I assume we're done, but she will not be denied and forces the continuation. As soon as the sinful act is finished, and I have removed myself from her, she sees the lonely, unused condom on the floor and FUCKING LOSES HER SHIT. Imagine Sofía Vergara on Modern Family with the rapid fire spanish cursing and you'll get an image.
In the middle of her diatribe, she notices a photo on the wall. It is a photo of me, my ex-wife, and our children, along with my parents. There is a moment, probably lasting 5 seconds, when she is staring at this picture as if watching her family be put to death. She turns to me, she turns back to the photo, I can see a flock of birds flying scatteredly in her brain as she tries, in vain, to put the pieces together. Then she slowly begins to move, each act slow and deliberate, toward her clothes. She dresses with such measured fury that I can only watch in horrific fascination, completely unconcerned about my own vulnerable nudity. Finally she looks at me and speaks.
"You brought me to your own house and came in my pussy. You are a liar and you are evil. I may call the police."
She storms out, and that's the last time I speak to R.
Epilogue: I realize, four days after my parents have returned from their trip, that I neglected to pick up the condom off of the floor. We've never spoken about it.
I got a boner...I laughed... I cried... amazing!
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930 Forum > Penthouse Forum
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(http://i.imgur.com/m1mE284.jpg)
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Wow, just wow
I'd like to take just smidgen of credit for suggesting this thread
but honestly the ball slipped out of my hand at the one yard line and Relaxer took it all the way down the field, scored a touchdown, then slamdunked it and ended it with a triple lindy
bravo, bravo!
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[Golf clap] I really don't care if it's true or not. Well done. [/Golf clap]
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K was at the end of her monthly beautiful time, and the subsequent mess made my heart pretty much stop. I mean, it was everywhere.
I just threw up in my mouth a little. There is nothing beautiful about that.
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bob72, you get five words to use in your signature. Would you like to explain why you chose p e n i and s? This is a safe place.
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new favorite thread
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Is a quality of an excellent father cheating on your children's mother? Just wondering.
P.S. I feel like James Ford right now.
That's because it's a very narrow view, breaking down the discussion to the bare minimum a la Rhett.
Obviously, we would all hope for the parental unit to stay together, and in the absence of that, the parents try to work things out between them before something like this happens. I don't know if that did or did not happen, but I do know the one thing - he was good in the relationship at taking care of the kids, much better than she was, hence the second child was probably an attempt at repairing other problems. And foolish.
As I've gotten older I've met many people who are great spouses but horrible parents or great parents but horrible spouses. The important thing is you're an adult and can screw your own life up anyway you want, but not the kids lives. You brought them into this world and it's your responsibility to raise them. Don't skirt that.
Do I wish he would have reached out to me sooner? Of course.
Do I wish he would have ended it before moving on? Of course.
But do I want the kids raised in an environment where mommy and daddy are fighting all the time for the next 18 years, married or divorced? Never, and that's why I'm helping.
First, let me say I'm neither a great husband nor a great father. I'm a work in progress in both roles. Second, I didn't assert that view above, Yada did.
However, what I think Yada meant was this. Your actions as a spouse have an effect on your kids. Your actions as a parent have an effect on your spouse. The roles are intertwined and not as compartmentalized as you portray them.
You're a role model for your kid's future actions as adults in terms of how you treat your partner. Treat your partner shitty, and the kids are like to grow up with belief that that's the marital norm, and they're likely to replicate your behavior.
Also, if your buddy was the one doing most of the taking care of the kids, I think that's also about being a good partner as well being a good dad. He was making the burden less for his wife.
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Ay caramba. This. Is. Awesome.
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bob72, you get five words to use in your signature. Would you like to explain why you chose p e n i and s? This is a safe place.
Pen = ink based writing utensil
Is = third-person singular present tense of the English language verb "to be"
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Is it common courtesy to be told you are about to stick your dick in a bloody vag, or have I been out of the dating pool too long? Not sure what the protocol is nowadays.
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Relaxer - story 2 was super hilarious. Next time, have extra condoms. You can never go wrong with that. Also, I think I'm noticing a pattern. You like to go for unavailable women, don't you? Might want to work on ending that habit if you want something serious and you don't want to be some lady's dirty secret. (Unless that's exactly what you want)
I'm single and 30.
Well, hello there. . . Do you come here often? I'm Julian, by the way.
Well hello to you! To answer your question, yes. I used to a lot in college. And just recently got back into posting on here. Didn't you first join up here like back in the mid to late 2000's? I'm thinking 2007? I know I've seen your name on the board a lot over the years. It's pretty amusing that I've been on here for almost 15 years (off and on) and you're just now saying hi to me. By the way, I'm Megan.
I smell a board romance... and it ain't the stinky sheets next door to Relaxer's house.
For a second, I thought you wrote bad romance ha. I doubt I'm relaxer's type. Also, I doubt I'll ever meet anyone from the board who isn't staph. Seems like I never run into or meetup with anyone at a show from here.
Granted there are a few exceptions - I think I met sweetcell briefly in 2006, and then there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight (that thread was ages ago) and he sold me his extra ticket to Smashing Pumpkins at DAR which was in fall 2008. Don't remember his screen name on here, but we basically saw the show together because the tickets were for seats next to each other. Great show, but really awkward. I think his name was Jaron.
Not to sound melodramatic, but romance in my life?! What? I'm a skeptic. I won't lie though when I was 18 to 21 years old, I'd post on here in hopes of meeting cool guys and maybe getting a few dates, but never really had a serious strategy.
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Ridiculous stories haha! Keep 'em comin! No pun intended.
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Relaxer - story 2 was super hilarious. Next time, have extra condoms. You can never go wrong with that. Also, I think I'm noticing a pattern. You like to go for unavailable women, don't you? Might want to work on ending that habit if you want something serious and you don't want to be some lady's dirty secret. (Unless that's exactly what you want)
I'm single and 30.
Well, hello there. . . Do you come here often? I'm Julian, by the way.
Well hello to you! To answer your question, yes. I used to a lot in college. And just recently got back into posting on here. Didn't you first join up here like back in the mid to late 2000's? I'm thinking 2007? I know I've seen your name on the board a lot over the years. It's pretty amusing that I've been on here for almost 15 years (off and on) and you're just now saying hi to me. By the way, I'm Megan.
I smell a board romance... and it ain't the stinky sheets next door to Relaxer's house.
For a second, I thought you wrote bad romance ha. I doubt I'm relaxer's type. Also, I doubt I'll ever meet anyone from the board who isn't staph. Seems like I never run into or meetup with anyone at a show from here.
Granted there are a few exceptions - I think I met sweetcell briefly in 2006, and then there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight (that thread was ages ago) and he sold me his extra ticket to Smashing Pumpkins at DAR which was in fall 2008. Don't remember his screen name on here, but we basically saw the show together because the tickets were for seats next to each other. Great show, but really awkward. I think his name was Jaron.
Not to sound melodramatic, but romance in my life?! What? I'm a skeptic. I won't lie though when I was 18 to 21 years old, I'd post on here in hopes of meeting cool guys and maybe getting a few dates, but never really had a serious strategy.
There is too much gold in this post right here, I'm not sure where to begin. Let me have my banana and muffin.
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Granted there are a few exceptions - I think I met sweetcell briefly in 2006, and then there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight (that thread was ages ago) and he sold me his extra ticket to Smashing Pumpkins at DAR which was in fall 2008. Don't remember his screen name on here, but we basically saw the show together because the tickets were for seats next to each other. Great show, but really awkward. I think his name was Jaron.
That is a hilarious story, Megan. You're so funny! Hey, I hope this doesn't come off as too forward, but do you think I could I get his number?
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just when I thought this thread couldn't get any better...it did!
I'm happy to see more females posting
not to increase my dating pool...just cuz we've got too many cranky white dudes and it's getting predictable
there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight
well it's good to know he's consistent, I guess
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just when I thought this thread couldn't get any better...it did!
I'm happy to see more females posting
not to increase my dating pool...just cuz we've got too many cranky white dudes and it's getting predictable
there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight
well it's good to know he's consistent, I guess
I'd say give it 24 hours or so before Julian scares her back off the board.
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just when I thought this thread couldn't get any better...it did!
I'm happy to see more females posting
not to increase my dating pool...just cuz we've got too many cranky white dudes and it's getting predictable
there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight
well it's good to know he's consistent, I guess
I wonder if people on hip hop forums bitch about having too many cranky black dudes on the forum? I wonder if people on DCUM bitch about there being too many cranky women on the forum?
Stop being such a self hater. There's nothing wrong with white dudes, at least in general. ;)
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just when I thought this thread couldn't get any better...it did!
I'm happy to see more females posting
not to increase my dating pool...just cuz we've got too many cranky white dudes and it's getting predictable
there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight
well it's good to know he's consistent, I guess
I wonder if people on hip hop forums bitch about having too many cranky black dudes on the forum? I wonder if people on DCUM bitch about there being too many cranky women on the forum?
Stop being such a self hater. There's nothing wrong with white dudes, at least in general. ;)
point taken...but the commentary is getting quite predictible
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just when I thought this thread couldn't get any better...it did!
I'm happy to see more females posting
not to increase my dating pool...just cuz we've got too many cranky white dudes and it's getting predictable
there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight
well it's good to know he's consistent, I guess
I wonder if people on hip hop forums bitch about having too many cranky black dudes on the forum? I wonder if people on DCUM bitch about there being too many cranky women on the forum?
Stop being such a self hater. There's nothing wrong with white dudes, at least in general. ;)
(http://olivethepeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Amen-brother-gif.gif)
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I'd say give it 24 hours or so before Julian scares her back off the board.
She's a trooper. She'll last at least a week.
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I hope Relaxer isn't bound and gagged somewhere this morning.
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I hope Relaxer isn't bound and gagged somewhere this morning.
or, if he is, that he is enjoying the experience.
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I hope Relaxer isn't bound and gagged somewhere this morning.
or, if he is, that he is enjoying the experience.
and will result in a scintillating post too
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It's all fun and games until we're confronted with the headline "Local NPR Employee found dead in auto-erotic asphyxiation accident: Ira Glass pays loving tribute to co-worker" in the Post.
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just when I thought this thread couldn't get any better...it did!
I'm happy to see more females posting
not to increase my dating pool...just cuz we've got too many cranky white dudes and it's getting predictable
there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight
well it's good to know he's consistent, I guess
I wonder if people on hip hop forums bitch about having too many cranky black dudes on the forum? I wonder if people on DCUM bitch about there being too many cranky women on the forum?
Stop being such a self hater. There's nothing wrong with white dudes, at least in general. ;)
point taken...but the commentary is getting quite predictible
I think you're underestimating what Bob has brought the the board.
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I think you're underestimating what Bob has brought the the board.
I like Bob but I also wouldn't be surprised if Bob is like an early April Fools joke on the board. He seems to fit in and check too many of our boxes right off that bat.
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Relaxer: Why aren't you interested in women in their fifties? Those in their early fifties are closer to your own age than the 26-35 you target.
If you're just looking for something casual, I would think the early fifties would be gold. Single women that age have already done the relationship and kids thing, or if they haven't probably have no desire to do so. Hell, you might even get some free meals and other free shit out of a gig like that. Or heck if you're going to insist on married women, you might even get yourself some kind of cuckold situation...that way you don't have to worry about the husband tracking you down and knocking your teeth out.
Whereas women in the 26-35 range are typically husband-hunting. And if they're looking for some casual action, they're more likely to look for it from a 30 year old hottie than a bald 45 year old (giving you the benefit of the doubt here) hottie.
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to do so. Hell, you might even get some free meals and other free shit out of a gig like that.
hmm that's not bad thinking
also the women in your age range don't play games
there are tons of divorced women with kids who are looking for FWB as they are not looking for a new dad for their kids, just want to get there rocks off
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I think you're underestimating what Bob has brought the the board.
I like Bob but I also wouldn't be surprised if Bob is like an early April Fools joke on the board. He seems to fit in and check too many of our boxes right off that bat.
you will be more disappointed than this kid https://youtu.be/QKwCQWjTyI0
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Relaxer: Why aren't you interested in women in their fifties? Those in their early fifties are closer to your own age than the 26-35 you target.
K was young, to be sure, but that was just the circumstances. R was a 40 year old mother of five. And my current Tinder age limitations is 35 to 50, so I'm not reaching too far into the playground. Thing is, I'm a young 45 and I'm extremely active and immature, so there won't be too many 50+ year olds that I'm going to mesh with. The women I'm talking to right now on Tinder are almost all in their early 40s. Divorced, have money, have freedom to go out luxuriously, and down to get down. If anyone makes mention of loving to wear heels or is wearing pearls in their pic or have a series of banquet pics, I move on. If it's a scowling woman clutching a cocktail in a shitty bar, I'm swiping right.
Also, I'm in the middle of writing a response, with story, to the charge that I only go after married women. I think in the long run, those two examples of infidelities will be anomalies. I'm not talking to anyone on Tinder that is married. I got busy so I probably won't be posting it today, but I will.
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Part One
There very well may be something to the shameful theory that I?m drawn to unavailable women. Perhaps in order to understand my future, I need to recognize my past. And it all started in the lazy summer of 1985 in small town Oregon. A young relaxer found hisself coming to the end of his 15th year. Drivers licenses, dates, drive-ins, drunk-driving, road head ? all awaited just a few months away, hopefully.
Anticipation was strong, because I heretofore had never had any action or interaction with a female. Oh sure there?d been 4 Square at recess and PE Class atrocities and the strange feelings I?d get in my grundle on Pool Day. But in terms of physical interaction, nothing. So you can imagine, I felt I had a lot to look forward to, despite abject terror over making it happen.
Living next door was a family of three, husband, wife and 12 year old son. The wife, called L, was 35 years old, but was the ?fun? stay-at-home mom who was always out being crazy with the kids. She and my mother at one point were good friends, but I remember my mother once commenting, ?I feel like I?m getting older while L just gets younger.? L was funny, lenient, whacky, and there were times when I thought, "I think she might be attractive but it?s hard to tell because she is old." But she was the one instigating the water-hose fights, who played referee when we played hoops, who corralled all of us back into her house for cookies and lemonade.
Reaching the age of 16 really is a divide between being an older kid and a young adult, so this fateful summer found me reaching the end of one phase as I approached the next. Even if nothing dramatic had happened, this still would have been the last summer of playing with neighborhood kids in the yard.
For the longest time, L always seemed to favor me. I was a little older than her son, which meant he idolized me, and she used to make a point of telling me this frequently. One particularly telling afternoon, I was standing in her living room with her and a group of kids. She bent over to pick something up, allowing her shirt to fall lasciviously forward as well, giving me a bullseye view of her bra-less bosom. It was like a burst of gold bullion painted my eyes in glorious wonder for a few sexy seconds, but I will never forgot the cold steel that then shot through my heart when she suddenly looked up, right into my eyes, and smiled. She?d busted me checking out her boobs, and she was pleased to know it.
On the other side of our block was a Shell gas station, which is where I won my first job. This gas station was run by morons who priced their gas about 10 cents per gallon more than the station directly across the street. As a result, an eight hour shift might have a total of eight customers. Which meant I had a lot of downtime on this job, which I spent mostly on the phone calling people and chatting about jack shit. Because L?s was the ?fun house? I?d occasional prank call them or just call to talk to her son or even to talk to her. It then increased to where I?d spend an hour or so on the phone with her, just babbling about nothing. Until one day.
It was a conversation no different than most, except at the end, she said in an odd voice, I have a question for you. I sensed a shift in the universe?s axis, but I had no real idea what she was getting at. In fact, I had the notion that she was going to ask if I wanted a job at her husband?s business, which he was off attending to all day and often well into the night. Lacking any other ideas on what it might be, and wanting very much a higher paying job, I pressed her to reveal her inquiry. Thus followed an annoying-even-then game of tell me/I don?t want to/tell me/I don't want to. Finally I blurted out, L What Do You Want?
And I?ll never forget the small voice over the other end that replied ?You?.
Now, being 15, I wasn?t 100% certain what that entailed exactly and entirely, but I had a notion that it involved sex. I also had a very primitive idea of what sex involved. An interesting side-fact to all this is that I did not masturbate successfully until I was 20. Snort all you want and call me a liar, I don?t care. You are required to believe what I say in these stories, because it is true, and I just never was able to pull it off, so to speak. In later years before reaching 20, I was perfectly able to receive and enjoy hand and oral jobs from girls, but I couldn?t give myself a round of applause to save my life.
So in my heart of hearts, I wasn?t entirely certain that when you had sex with a woman, you didn?t just put it in and then go pee. I mean, it seemed logical. I wasn?t yet aware that anything else came out of there, so why wouldn?t it be pee or some close iteration of it?
Anyway, the phone line went quiet, she awaited a response that combined confidence with passion, and I took a deep seductive breath and said, ?I have to go? and hung up.
(part two coming tomorrow)
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I read your first two stories to my wife and she insisted that you're a good writer who is completely full of shit. How am I going to get her to believe this one?
Are you saying you didn't have wet dreams when you were a kid either?
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I welcome you and/or all others to doubt my stories. They have no bearing on me and my experiences because I know what I've done. Just read them as salacious stories then.
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she insisted that you're a good writer who is completely full of shit.
honestly I really don't even care...best material on this board by a long strech
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she insisted that you're a good writer who is completely full of shit.
honestly I really don't even care...best material on this board by a long strech
Wait, are you saying you'd rather read his stories than read about which shows killsally bought tickets to?
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If he started these with "I know you won't believe this, but every word is true. . . " these would literally be Penthouse Forum submissions.
I believe the general narratives, at least of the first two, but think he's adding some details for dramatic effect. The "I forgot to pick up the condom and my parents found it" thing in story #2 is the most /r/ThatHappened thing in the history of ThatHappened.
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she insisted that you're a good writer who is completely full of shit.
honestly I really don't even care...best material on this board by a long strech
Wait, are you saying you'd rather read his stories than read about which shows killsally bought tickets to?
even more than the past concerts people went to
I already don't read the sports threads, so can't list those
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the new album by the 1975 - I am digging it 8)
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^AKA if you do not like my posts, you do not have to read them
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well...not exactly true if you post it in the wrong thread
Kinda hard not to see a post in a thread you are interested in
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My point was that I do not see why I am being mentioned in this thread. What I post in other threads has nothing to do with this thread.
I do not just post what tickets I buy. I am an active member of this forum.
I do not need to talk that about my personal life, so pardon me if I do not produce epic threads that you all will salivate over.
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Gentlemen, gentlemen, this is a thread of love, and anecdotes about its sticky residue.
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Sorry, my bad, carry on.
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(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7a/58/79/7a5879d0a19aba7813fc231fe1d399b8.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/9DGc90X.jpg)
FTFY
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(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/08/18/article-2396736-1884CA72000005DC-941_634x533.jpg)
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Is that Relaxer? Kind of looks like a younger Phil Collins!
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Is that Relaxer? Kind of looks like a younger Phil Collins!
His daughter's arms look like they could use some of his weight training.
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I totally thought phil Collins when I saw that
There sure are a lot of drinks on that table....she must need to get good and drunk
Btw Phils real daughter is pretty smokin'
(http://www.contactmusic.com/pics/ln/20160112/stellamccartneycollectionevent_130116_03/stella-mccartney-collection-event_5090041.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/9DGc90X.jpg)
FTFY
Oh my god did I laugh at this.
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Is that Relaxer? Kind of looks like a younger Phil Collins!
Whoever that is must be a very thirsty person.
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There is too much gold in this post right here, I'm not sure where to begin. Let me have my banana and muffin.
I was hoping for a crazy response. That must've been some banana and muffin you had yesterday morning!
just when I thought this thread couldn't get any better...it did!
I'm happy to see more females posting
not to increase my dating pool...just cuz we've got too many cranky white dudes and it's getting predictable
there was this guy who used to post on here who had huge problems with people who were even the slightest overweight
well it's good to know he's consistent, I guess
I should probably give an update. That guy I saw the Smashing Pumpkins with is still a very active member of the message board. Talk about awkward on my part?! Granted, I'm the queen of awkwardness at times. Just wanted to make a quick post so all you dudes don't think I ran away again. Nothing scares me off. I just get distracted and busy.
So relaxer works at NPR (which is where I dream of working! A friend of mine was a producer on Morning Edition) and had a crazy thing with his neighbor as a teen. Great writing! Considering I'm from Western Maryland, I find his story plausible. A little too Stacy's Mom but it explains the married woman complex he's got going on. Real or not, this should be made into something for Showtime or HBO.
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That guy I saw the Smashing Pumpkins with is the narrative center of the message board. Talk about awkward on my part?!
FTFY.
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There is too much gold in this post right here, I'm not sure where to begin. Let me have my banana and muffin.
I was hoping for a crazy response. That must've been some banana and muffin you had yesterday morning!
I know, you should have heard what the guys at the ER had to say as they were extracting it
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That guy I saw the Smashing Pumpkins with is the narrative center of the message board. Talk about awkward on my part?!
FTFY.
Wasn't sure if you wanted to be outed, hence why I was so vague. I don't kiss and tell lol.
So yeah for the record, I met Julian in real life back in October 2008. From what I can remember tall, cute and somewhat reserved. Though upfront about the overweight thing when I asked "are you actually serious about the stuff you said on the board?" and at least he was nice enough to not go into detail about it, because that would've otherwise ruined my night and possibly crushed my bleak soul more than it already was.
There is too much gold in this post right here, I'm not sure where to begin. Let me have my banana and muffin.
I was hoping for a crazy response. That must've been some banana and muffin you had yesterday morning!
I know, you should have heard what the guys at the ER had to say as they were extracting it
And Sidehatch gets an A+
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I don't kiss and tell lol.
Ummm....that is entirely what this thread is
From what I can remember tall, cute and somewhat reserved.
Please do not inflate his ego any more, we trying hard to reign it in
And Sidehatch gets an A+
although nothing wrong with inflating my ego :)
I'm going to have to just shut off the internet after getting 2 thumbs up in one morning
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Please do not inflate his ego any more, we trying hard to reign it in
(https://media.giphy.com/media/DSZUZFLM8d62k/giphy.gif)
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I should probably give an update. That guy I saw the Smashing Pumpkins with is still a very active member of the message board. Talk about awkward on my part?!
Nope, not awkward at all. I laughed audibly when I read it.
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I should probably give an update. That guy I saw the Smashing Pumpkins with is still a very active member of the message board. Talk about awkward on my part?!
Nope, not awkward at all. I laughed audibly when I read it.
She actually PMed me my own phone number in response to me asking for "that guy's" number. Then she sent me another PM moments later where she put two and two together and I was nearly in tears.
Never leave, saintangelsin, never leave. You're officially one of us now.
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(http://demotivators.to/media/posters/2392/50695_we-accept-you-one-of-us.jpg)
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I had a pretty good feeling you were going to take the piss when I read that.
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I don't kiss and tell lol.
Ummm....that is entirely what this thread is
From what I can remember tall, cute and somewhat reserved.
Please do not inflate his ego any more, we trying hard to reign it in
And Sidehatch gets an A+
although nothing wrong with inflating my ego :)
I'm going to have to just shut off the internet after getting 2 thumbs up in one morning
This thread is about kissing and telling about people who aren't members of this board. Also, thanks for letting me know that Julian still has an ego habit. I won't contribute to the mess than it already is. And enjoy your ego boost!
I should probably give an update. That guy I saw the Smashing Pumpkins with is still a very active member of the message board. Talk about awkward on my part?!
Nope, not awkward at all. I laughed audibly when I read it.
Glad to know I made somebody laugh.
I should probably give an update. That guy I saw the Smashing Pumpkins with is still a very active member of the message board. Talk about awkward on my part?!
Nope, not awkward at all. I laughed audibly when I read it.
She actually PMed me my own phone number in response to me asking for "that guy's" number. Then she sent me another PM moments later where she put two and two together and I was nearly in tears.
Never leave, saintangelsin, never leave. You're officially one of us now.
I sent one PM with the phone number after I did research on the board. I even titled the message "Deja Vu?" Totally had this feeling of "Oh shit!" And I spent last night thinking, why did I block this fact from my memory? Still no answer on that one. I sent him the phone number and something along the lines of "I'm assuming you've always been Julian on the board, and seeing your comments about stuff, you are the person I was talking about!" Glad you were nearly in tears. I doubt I'm the first or last to do that.
So yeah, I have his number. He so doesn't have mine. (Should I ever give it to him??? I'll let you all have an opinion on this) Needless to say, this has been pretty fucking amusing.
And thank you for the acceptance! Glad to know after 14 years of being around, you all actually approve. I guess I'll stick around. So is this place now like the player haters club from Chapelle's show or like the Goon Squad in David Bowie's "Fashion"?
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This thread is about kissing and telling about people who aren't members of this board.
wait just a god damn minute
if I'm to read between the lines...did you kiss Julian
and you are not in his cellar sending these posts?
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I had a pretty good feeling you were going to take the piss when I read that.
In the old days, a less gentle Julian would've arranged things to "meet" her and see how long it took her to realize it was the same person. I'm losing my fastball.
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This thread is about kissing and telling about people who aren't members of this board.
wait just a god damn minute
if I'm to read between the lines...did you kiss Julian
Hey, Relaxer, where's part 2 of your story?
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~AHEM~ I thought this thread was supposed to be about me?
ANYWAYS, I am very sad but you're going to have to let your imaginations run wild this weekend. The end of the month is always super busy for me, so I am not going to be able to finish the story today and possibly not even Monday (since I'll be too busy swimmin in women this weekend, i.e. spending a quiet weekend at home with my children)
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~AHEM~ I thought this thread was supposed to be about me?
Just kidding on this. I want this thread to be a sexy, safe place for all of us to feel each other.
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~AHEM~ I thought this thread was supposed to be about me?
Just kidding on this. I want this thread to be a sexy, safe place for all of us to feel each other.
Oh . . . Yeah.
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~AHEM~ I thought this thread was supposed to be about me?
Just kidding on this. I want this thread to be a sexy, safe place for all of us to feel each other.
it's all about you and thanks for creating the space
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~AHEM~ I thought this thread was supposed to be about me?
If you're not going to rain content down on our faces constantly, you cannot honestly expect us to stay on topic very long. What messageboard do you think this is?
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So is this place now like the player haters club from Chapelle's show or like the Goon Squad in David Bowie's "Fashion"?
definitely a bunch of playah haters.
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I think I met sweetcell briefly in 2006
well hello again!
2006 seems like so long ago... remind me: was i hating fat people back then?
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I think I met sweetcell briefly in 2006
well hello again!
2006 seems like so long ago... remind me: was i hating fat people back then?
You ordered me to do 100 bicycle crunches before Muse hit the stage.
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You ordered me to do 100 bicycle crunches before Muse hit the stage.
Wait, at Patriot Center?
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You ordered me to do 100 bicycle crunches before Muse hit the stage.
Wait, at Patriot Center?
twice.
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You ordered me to do 100 bicycle crunches before Muse hit the stage.
Wait, at Patriot Center?
twice.
Was this the show Miss P and I (and, I suppose, DFA1979) were at? Did I meet Relaxer in passing and never realize it!?
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I don't think we met. I saw Muse with Sweets twice and don't remember meeting anybody except his lovely wife-to-be at the second one. I remember seeing Miss P at (I think?) Belle & Sebastian at DAR but I was too ashamed to say anything to her.
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I remember seeing Miss P at (I think?) Belle & Sebastian at DAR but I was too ashamed to say anything to her.
We've all been ashamed around her at one point or another.
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I was quite taken aback.
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We've all been ashamed around her at one point or another.
Even after an all night bender post Punk Rock Bowling at 4:30am at the buffet in the Riviera Hotel in Vegas with her bi-sexual roller derby friend, I wasn't ashamed to be with Miss P.
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You ordered me to do 100 bicycle crunches before Muse hit the stage.
Wait, at Patriot Center?
twice.
Was this the show Miss P and I (and, I suppose, DFA1979) were at? Did I meet Relaxer in passing and never realize it!?
indeed, relaxer was sitting immediately beside me.
now i feel awkward that i didn't facilitate this social interaction with some introductions...
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now i feel awkward that i didn't facilitate this social interaction with some introductions...
It's only awkward if next to Julian was saintangelsin....
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Part Two
And so I sat there in a grubby gas station office, her words still reverberating around my head. I shit you not, my whole body started shuddering. It was the middle of the damn summer and I was shivering like a penguin would not, it was crazy. I vividly remember a customer actually coming in and I had to go service them, trembling like a blur (at the time, and maybe still, there was no self service for gas). This was it! Was this it? Maybe she meant that she wanted me to hang out with her son more? Maybe she got cut off and I didn?t hear ?..r brother?, which would have been weird because I didn?t have a brother. Fortunately, I was aware enough to know that opportunity had just punched me in the dick and at this moment, I could either be the Ace Frehley of the 70s or Ace Frehley of the 80s. My direction was clear.
I called her back, my mind furiously trying to draft a reply that would be cool and desirable. Looking back on it, I probably should?ve taken some notes first or at least work-shopped some material, but the urgency of the moment, as well as my boner, pushed me to strike right away.
When she answered, all I said was ?When?? Again, perhaps not the appropriate re-opener for the burgeoning loverman but you can?t re-write history. And she didn?t seem to mind, because she said that her husband would be out late on Friday, so she?d be available once her son was asleep. The date was set!
I wanna say this was either a weekend or at least a Monday or Tuesday, because I knew I had about 4 or 5 days to bide my time into The Fuckening was going to happen. And so I did what every man does when he?s trying to pitch woo to a lady: I totally avoided her, and when I saw her coming, I walked the opposite way. Come on, seriously, I was experiencing pure sexual terror. Remember, I only had a coloring book-deep knowledge of what intercourse actually involved. I didn?t know what was up there. What if it bit me? Or stole my wallet? These were uncharted waters.
Regardless, Friday eventually rolled around. It was around 8:00 I think, and I was closing up the gas station. Finally I knew it was time for me to step into the shoes of manhood, so I called her and said, So what?s the plan?
?There?s no plan, you?ve been treating me like shit. I?m not interested anymore.?
If my life had been a movie, this would?ve been one of those shots where the camera swirls in circles around me as I stare, open-mouthed, into the distance.
?What?!? I don?t get it.?
?You?ve been acting all week like I don?t exist. Forget it. [click]?
And so I sat in a disappointed chair realizing the ship had sailed and that I was left alone and dong-handed. That said, I also felt great relief and I walked home feeling relatively at peace with everything.
Over the next week, things returned to normal, and L and I slowly resumed our friendly, playful relationship, leaving our previous episode undiscussed. I?d thought a lot about what had happened, and was definitely leaning in the direction of, let?s see if we can get this car back out on the road. Eventually I found myself in her kitchen with her, while her son and other kids were racing around outside.
?Look, I?m sorry I wasn?t very friendly, I didn?t know what to do.?
?It?s ok,? she said with a smile, and then I was receiving the first real kiss I?d ever had, which was great. About ninety seconds later, I was receiving the first real blowjob I?d ever had, which was even greater! I think I was aware at that point that oral sex was a thing, but I still remember looking down and thinking ?You can do that?!?!?!?? And the answer was, YES. This was incredible! I was feeling sensations that were totally unfamiliar, being the ridiculous non-jerker that I was. And as I rode that tidal wave of pleasure and prepared to summit Mount Manhood, nothing could stop me. NOTHING!
Except my dad?s bellowing voice from our next-door backyard: ?Dinner time, let?s go!? Cummus Interruptus. She realized the fragility of the situation and stopped, and I sheepishly zipped up and went home. I do have a memory of dribbling a little at the dinner table and thinking ?Ah ha ha.? So, unsatisfying, but clearly a portent for things to come.
A few days later, typical summertime activities were afoot, specifically a water balloon/hosefight. At some point, I completely drenched L with water. She screamed and then made a big show that she had to go change, looking me directly in the eye. She disappeared into the house, I killed a couple minutes, and then slipped inside as well. Headed upstairs, walked in the bedroom, and BAM, a naked woman standing there. SHPROING! I was an old veteran of kissing now, having done it once, so we immediately began making out. I got a case of busy hands, this being the first time I?d ever touched the things I was touching, and she undid my pants, took it out, and right there, standing in the bedroom, put it in.
Now, when you experience something strange and new for the first time, that usually becomes your baseline knowledge of what it is. And yet despite having never been in a vagina before, I remember thinking ?This feels a lot looser than I thought it was supposed to be.? I mean, it was kind of like dropping dong in a warm glass of water, or doing jumping jacks in an empty arena. It just felt like a very large concert hall for a modestly sized voice to fill. And because it just didn?t feel right to me, I fled. No shit: yanked out, zipped up, barely heard her say ?That?s mean? and split. Seriously, I basically did everything wrong right from the beginning with this woman.
But AGAIN she didn?t hold it against me and within a couple days, we?d found another moment to give it a shot. This one was particularly momentous because we both got completely naked, so it felt like we were wearing the appropriate costumes to finally drive this car into the garage. And yet 30 seconds into it, ?Moo-oo-ooo-oom!? Her son was yelling for her, and this time she was the one who forced the ejection and then dressed and ran to him.
Was I cursed? Was I secretly sabotaging my sexual opportunities out of (perfectly legitimate, really) fears of closing the deal? These were the questions that reverberated through my head one night at home.
Finally, this choir of horny became so loud that I was propelled to act. I walked out of the house (actually, I snuck out because it was late), marched over to her house, stampeded inside ready to make my claim. And I couldn?t find her! I couldn?t call because her son was asleep so I looked and looked and then finally realized she was in the basement doing laundry.
So I went down there. She was surprised when she saw me, but accepted my embrace. Clothes were shucked and right then and there, I entered the miracle while she sat on a vibrating clothes dryer.
Afterward, she said she found it remarkable that A) my first time lasted as long as it did (5-7 minutes maybe?) and that B) I?d produced as much as I did. I remember telling her it was probably because I didn?t masturbate and she laughed so hard, for several minutes, that I actually got bored and annoyed.
And so commenced an affair with her that lasted more than a year. I turned 16 and began going out at nights with friends. At this point, I had a midnight curfew so I?d either be home or get dropped off at 11:30, and instead of walking into my house, I?d walk into L?s for some sexy sex. For the most part, we?d always meet at her house, though one bizarre evening when her husband and son were somewhere, we went to the drive-in and banged throughout Platoon.
You?d think I had just enough intellect and sensitivity to know how fragile this alliance with L was, and that I would emphasize discretion, but nooooooo. I was an insecure teenage dickbag who wasn?t particularly good at sports and so needed some other kind of hook to ensure popularity. Hey, I?m fucking a married woman! BOOM, instant cred. The entire high school knew. To this day, I?m amazed that it never got back to my parents, any of it. Furthering my popularity, I leveraged our relationship by having her buy me liquor. It got to where I?d cavalierly call her from a McDonalds payphone while out with buddies and say, ?Hey, would you mind getting me a case of Hamms? I?ll be there in an hour.? And she?d do it! Every time!
Eventually, like most guys, I got a girlfriend the same age as me. She was a really wonderful person, but not into the idea of sex (yet). So I was perfect for her! She couldn?t get over how unbelievably patient and understanding I was. And obviously that?s because twenty minutes after dropping her off, I?d be fucking L to the moon.
The perfect story and experience! Until it crashed. For the longest time, we were very careful about only hooking up when she was certain her husband was not due home for hours. But over time, we got sloppy, plus she developed a taste for lightning-strike trysts while he was home. She had a particular predilection for having sex in a time and place where she could see him working on his car or mowing the lawn. But you can only dance this way for so long before the music stops, and one day we were in the basement making out (fully clothed) when the door flew open and there he was.
If I didn?t mention, he?s a big guy, so I thought for sure I was about to be slain. There were several seconds-like-hours of total silence, and then he slammed the door and stomped off. L was very distraught about our having been caught, and when I asked her what I should do, she just said ?Go!? So I did.
And in one of those hard-to-believe stokes of luck, I literally left the next day to spend six weeks in Paris with my parents, thus enabling me to completely avoid any of the messy residue of what had happened. When I returned, just in time for my senior year of high school, her husband had moved out and she already had a new boyfriend, a real tough-guy Vietnam vet that seemed to hate me from the very beginning. L and I had a couple more trysts but there was a stink to our relationship now, and it faded pretty non-dramatically.
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We've all been ashamed around her at one point or another.
Even after an all night bender post Punk Rock Bowling at 4:30am at the buffet in the Riviera Hotel in Vegas with her bi-sexual roller derby friend, I wasn't ashamed to be with Miss P.
Never ashamed to be with Miss P. Ashamed by the verbal tongue-lashing she was giving that poor, poor bartender who forgot to put in her truffle fries order.
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So enough about my past, I'm here to talk about my future.
I learned a very important lesson the other day. When I download an app, like for example Tinder, not only does it show up on my phone, it shows up on the phones of the whole family, including the ex-wife, and the 7 year old, and the 11 year old. Even better, when they click on it, they have instant access to my account! And all my photos! And all my sexy conversations! And my plans and intentions! Oh terrific!
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You're making staying married seem more and more appealing. Not that I was ever considering the opposite.
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once again i don't know if relaxer's story is true or not, and i don't care. i'm in it for the entertainment.
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once again i don't know if relaxer's story is true or not, and i don't care. i'm in it for the entertainment.
If they're not true, he missed his true calling because he could be the Jean Shepherd of smut!
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I mean seriously, re-read any of his stories in the voice of the narrator of A Christmas Story. They're gold!
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One interesting dynamic of My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45 is that technology has changed so much. Back in my prime loverman days, the ways to get in the womb were pretty much limited to bars and Dewey Beach. And for the most part, you rolled the dice any time you approached a lady because what if she's not looking to meet someone? What if she doesn't like my look? What if she's nursing a heartbreak or a pulled groin?
Tinder does away with all of these concerns. First of all, if you're on there, you're looking. Second, the way it's set up is a photo of a woman comes up and you decide whether you want to Like her (swipe right!) or say Nope (swipe left!). And then? Nothing happens! Until. That same woman, doing her own grocery shopping of men, sees your photo and decides you look good and swipes right on you. And then BOOM a match is made and a text box opens up and it's time to lay down some sexy language.
This is a revelation, I have to say. That first obstacle has already been overcome. Sure, some women might just swipe right on lots of guys, even ones they don't really intend to chat with. But shit, that's their problem! For the most part, you are thrown into a sexual arena with a woman that is A) looking for a man, and B) likes the looks of you. The hard work has literally been done for you.
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So enough about my past, I'm here to talk about my future.
I learned a very important lesson the other day. When I download an app, like for example Tinder, not only does it show up on my phone, it shows up on the phones of the whole family, including the ex-wife, and the 7 year old, and the 11 year old. Even better, when they click on it, they have instant access to my account! And all my photos! And all my sexy conversations! And my plans and intentions! Oh terrific!
oh man that's embarrassing, how long had they been seeing the updates before you knew
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One interesting dynamic of My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45 is that technology has changed so much. Back in my prime loverman days, the ways to get in the womb were pretty much limited to bars and Dewey Beach. And for the most part, you rolled the dice any time you approached a lady because what if she's not looking to meet someone? What if she doesn't like my look? What if she's nursing a heartbreak or a pulled groin?
Tinder does away with all of these concerns. First of all, if you're on there, you're looking. Second, the way it's set up is a photo of a woman comes up and you decide whether you want to Like her (swipe right!) or say Nope (swipe left!). And then? Nothing happens! Until. That same woman, doing her own grocery shopping of men, sees your photo and decides you look good and swipes right on you. And then BOOM a match is made and a text box opens up and it's time to lay down some sexy language.
This is a revelation, I have to say. That first obstacle has already been overcome. Sure, some women might just swipe right on lots of guys, even ones they don't really intend to chat with. But shit, that's their problem! For the most part, you are thrown into a sexual arena with a woman that is A) looking for a man, and B) likes the looks of you. The hard work has literally been done for you.
Be careful dude.
http://money.cnn.com/2015/05/26/technology/rhode-island-tinder-stds/
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So enough about my past, I'm here to talk about my future.
I learned a very important lesson the other day. When I download an app, like for example Tinder, not only does it show up on my phone, it shows up on the phones of the whole family, including the ex-wife, and the 7 year old, and the 11 year old. Even better, when they click on it, they have instant access to my account! And all my photos! And all my sexy conversations! And my plans and intentions! Oh terrific!
oh man that's embarrassing, how long had they been seeing the updates before you knew
Fortunately, only a day or so. Unfortunately, my ex-wife came upon it when she was home alone and feeling sad and had hours to kill.
I joined it last Tuesday, made like 15 matches, chatted up 7 or 8 of them, and was starting to feel overwhelmed because I kept getting new matches. And then I got two pissy messages from women saying "Why are you even on here if you're not going to say anything" and then my ex read my profile, so I totally panicked Saturday morning, sent a canned message to my top prospects saying "I'm quitting Tinder, text me at ###-###-#### if you want to keep chatting" and then deleted my account.
Which is a bummer because I did have a BALL Tuesday night going through the bevy of beauties on offer. But ultimately, I've got a whole bunch of prospects to continue developing. Had a wonderful dinner and drinks with S last night, I have dinner and drinks with another S tonight, and tomorrow night, J the sexy mailwoman is visiting me at my home. Then Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I have the kids, so I'll go into domestic mode. But next week is already looking good.
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umm the app doesn't give you stds
hooking up with random people does...the app just makes it easier...to get stds
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and the 7 year old, and the 11 year old.
what does a 7 & 11 year old need a smart phone for?
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Um, you do know you could deactivate iCloud on your device and your problem goes away, right?
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Um, you do know you could deactivate icloud on your device and your problem goes away.
I know, but doing so also deactivates my ability to buy them apps and upgrades and stuff, doesn't it? I'm ridiculously dumb when it comes to consumer technology, but I can explain satellite broadcasting protocols all day!
And the 7 year old doesn't have an iPhone but does have a connected iPad.
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and the 7 year old, and the 11 year old.
what does a 7 & 11 year old need a smart phone for?
obviously you are kidless in 2016, I'm opposed to it, but it's the norm for most families now
Full disclosure, my 9 year old has an ipad that grandma got her for xmas that she can txt on
and it's creating a lot of tension in the household
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Um, you do know you could deactivate icloud on your device and your problem goes away.
I know, but doing so also deactivates my ability to buy them apps and upgrades and stuff, doesn't it? I'm ridiculously dumb when it comes to consumer technology, but I can explain satellite broadcasting protocols all day!
And the 7 year old doesn't have an iPhone but does have a connected iPad.
You do know you could probably get another phone for free/an-extremely-nominal-amount and attached to your family plan, yes? Then turn iCloud off on that. Then online sexy times resume.
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Um, you do know you could deactivate icloud on your device and your problem goes away.
I know, but doing so also deactivates my ability to buy them apps and upgrades and stuff, doesn't it? I'm ridiculously dumb when it comes to consumer technology, but I can explain satellite broadcasting protocols all day!
And the 7 year old doesn't have an iPhone but does have a connected iPad.
You do know you could probably get another phone for free/an-extremely-nominal-amount and attached to your family plan, yes? Then turn iCloud off on that. Then online sexy times resume.
That is likely going to be the plan. I'll just get myself a new phone for "personal sexy use" and then can Tinder all damn day. Thing is, right now I don't need to be back on it. I've got incredible prospects right now and I want to focus on that instead. I don't even know what I'm looking for necessarily (and I'm very upfront about that with everyone I'm chatting with) but I know that I don't need more candidates for my affections right now.
At the moment, I'm looking at:
- Beautiful 41 yr old Spanish woman who lives 6 blocks away from my house and is obsessed with running and crossfit, and really wants us to do these things together (which I want too!)
- Supercute weirdo anime 26 yr old Asian who lives a block from my office and loves booze and weed and sends my dozens of pictures of My Pretty Pony every day, oftentimes pornographic;
- Heart-stoppingly gorgeous 40 yr old Indian attorney who probably won't end being a winner because I think she's looking for something more conventional, but she has complimented my physique frequently and might want a fling with a hard body. I wasn't going to pursue her because she's way above my station, but I had to give it a shot and it might actually be panning out;
- Another very attractive Asian single mom who lives out in bumfuck Reston or something but works in DC and seems so nice and eager for companionship. I'm treading carefully with this one because she seems very much to want a long-term relationship;
- My 42 yr old sexy mailwoman with whom I've had outrageous text sessions and who has mapped out just exactly what we're going to do tomorrow night;
- Another very lovely woman who I've only had sporadic discussions with since we moved to text, so she might be off the radar but could come roaring back at any time.
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- Supercute weirdo anime 26 yr old Asian who lives a block from my office and loves booze and weed and sends my dozens of pictures of My Pretty Pony every day, oftentimes pornographic;
well I think if you want to go full mid-life crisis here this is the winner
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- Another very lovely woman who I've only had sporadic discussions with since we moved to text, so she might be off the radar but could come roaring back at any time.
well I think if you want to appear on an episode of MTV's Catfish this is the winner
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and the 7 year old, and the 11 year old.
what does a 7 & 11 year old need a smart phone for?
obviously you are kidless in 2016, I'm opposed to it, but it's the norm for most families now
Full disclosure, my 9 year old has an ipad that grandma got her for xmas that she can txt on
and it's creating a lot of tension in the household
I want Space's opinion on this... No way his child has a smart phone and I hope to god mine doesn't at age 7.
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- Supercute weirdo anime 26 yr old Asian who lives a block from my office and loves booze and weed and sends my dozens of pictures of My Pretty Pony every day, oftentimes pornographic;
well I think if you want to go full mid-life crisis here this is the winner
We had a text conversation the other night and when she mentioned she was a KPOP fan, I started dropping serious KPOP knowledge on her and she said it was making her so wet.
I knew my fucked up obsession with yowling Asian teenagers would pay off somehow.
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I knew my fucked up obsession with yowling Asian teenagers would pay off somehow.
well I think if you want to be cellmates with Jared from Subway who is apparently fat again this is the winner
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and the 7 year old, and the 11 year old.
what does a 7 & 11 year old need a smart phone for?
obviously you are kidless in 2016, I'm opposed to it, but it's the norm for most families now
Full disclosure, my 9 year old has an ipad that grandma got her for xmas that she can txt on
and it's creating a lot of tension in the household
I want Space's opinion on this... No way his child has a smart phone and I hope to god mine doesn't at age 7.
She has her own IPAD, does that count? I must say, it's been the best kid purchase ever. She's constantly doing something creative on that thing. Filmmaking is her latest interest. When she's not in the ipad, she's on her mom's extra laptop banging out scripts or song lyrics.
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I knew my fucked up obsession with yowling Asian teenagers would pay off somehow.
this is totally what I'm picturing right now
(http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lj7b5mR9Bi1qig1rho1_500.gif)
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and the 7 year old, and the 11 year old.
what does a 7 & 11 year old need a smart phone for?
obviously you are kidless in 2016, I'm opposed to it, but it's the norm for most families now
Full disclosure, my 9 year old has an ipad that grandma got her for xmas that she can txt on
and it's creating a lot of tension in the household
I want Space's opinion on this... No way his child has a smart phone and I hope to god mine doesn't at age 7.
She has her own IPAD, does that count? I must say, it's been the best kid purchase ever. She's constantly doing something creative on that thing. Filmmaking is her latest interest. When she's not in the ipad, she's on her mom's extra laptop banging out scripts or song lyrics.
Not really, because that doesn't mean she has it attached to her hip all day long. My assumption is a parent such as yourself has limits on the amount of time she can stare at the iPad.
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and the 7 year old, and the 11 year old.
what does a 7 & 11 year old need a smart phone for?
obviously you are kidless in 2016, I'm opposed to it, but it's the norm for most families now
Full disclosure, my 9 year old has an ipad that grandma got her for xmas that she can txt on
and it's creating a lot of tension in the household
I want Space's opinion on this... No way his child has a smart phone and I hope to god mine doesn't at age 7.
She has her own IPAD, does that count? I must say, it's been the best kid purchase ever. She's constantly doing something creative on that thing. Filmmaking is her latest interest. When she's not in the ipad, she's on her mom's extra laptop banging out scripts or song lyrics.
Not really, because that doesn't mean she has it attached to her hip all day long. My assumption is a parent such as yourself has limits on the amount of time she can stare at the iPad.
It really depends on what she's doing on the ipad or laptop. We don't really have any hard limits. Sorry to disappoint.
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This thread is about kissing and telling about people who aren't members of this board.
wait just a god damn minute
if I'm to read between the lines...did you kiss Julian
and you are not in his cellar sending these posts?
Bahaha. I know I'm a bit late replying to this, but rest assure, no I'm not or wasn't or anything like that.
So is this place now like the player haters club from Chapelle's show or like the Goon Squad in David Bowie's "Fashion"?
definitely a bunch of playah haters.
That's what I figured! Now the real question is, how's Buck Nasty on here?
I think I met sweetcell briefly in 2006
well hello again!
2006 seems like so long ago... remind me: was i hating fat people back then?
I don't think so. I think it was you who I met. I just remember briefly meeting board folks at AFI back in November 2006 and maybe the first gig Lily Allen did in February 2007. My memory obviously stinks at the moment.
One interesting dynamic of My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45 is that technology has changed so much. Back in my prime loverman days, the ways to get in the womb were pretty much limited to bars and Dewey Beach. And for the most part, you rolled the dice any time you approached a lady because what if she's not looking to meet someone? What if she doesn't like my look? What if she's nursing a heartbreak or a pulled groin?
Tinder does away with all of these concerns. First of all, if you're on there, you're looking. Second, the way it's set up is a photo of a woman comes up and you decide whether you want to Like her (swipe right!) or say Nope (swipe left!). And then? Nothing happens! Until. That same woman, doing her own grocery shopping of men, sees your photo and decides you look good and swipes right on you. And then BOOM a match is made and a text box opens up and it's time to lay down some sexy language.
This is a revelation, I have to say. That first obstacle has already been overcome. Sure, some women might just swipe right on lots of guys, even ones they don't really intend to chat with. But shit, that's their problem! For the most part, you are thrown into a sexual arena with a woman that is A) looking for a man, and B) likes the looks of you. The hard work has literally been done for you.
First of all Relaxer, the second part of your teenage story was amazing. True or not. Secondly, thank you for explaining tinder. I've been quite anxious and on the line about the app. I would be really choosy, but I don't like that it's based on just looks. It would be great to know what the person likes and then you can decide. I mean maybe it's because I'm 30 and a music nerd, but I can't ever date someone who doesn't like at least some of the stuff that I like. Maybe once I get a good haircut, I'll join Tinder just to see if I can get a date lol.
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This thread is about kissing and telling about people who aren't members of this board.
wait just a god damn minute
if I'm to read between the lines...did you kiss Julian
and you are not in his cellar sending these posts?
Bahaha. I know I'm a bit late replying to this, but rest assure, no I'm not or wasn't or anything like that.
whew...we all may have had youthful indiscretions, but that'd be a hard cross to bear
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this thread, has wows, all over it.
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First of all Relaxer, the second part of your teenage story was amazing. True or not. Secondly, thank you for explaining tinder. I've been quite anxious and on the line about the app. I would be really choosy, but I don't like that it's based on just looks. It would be great to know what the person likes and then you can decide. I mean maybe it's because I'm 30 and a music nerd, but I can't ever date someone who doesn't like at least some of the stuff that I like. Maybe once I get a good haircut, I'll join Tinder just to see if I can get a date lol.
Tinder success is based a lot on looks. However, each profile has, in theory, a 500 word description in which to list likes and dislikes and to deliver an inkling of personality. Mine, for example, marries knowing hilarity with subtle intellect plus a few such-a-good-dad anecdotes. Not everyone leverages this opportunity but I've never swiped right on a description-less profile because Jesus Christ make an effort here people.
Also, on Tinder there are hundreds and hundreds of men -- in your area! -- so the numbers are in your favor that you will match with a good guy who is interested in you. Put right at the top of your profile that you are a music geek, and I guarantee you will generate interest. And if you do match, spend a few minutes (or hours) messaging with them before even thinking about meeting in person. If the dude is some thumbdick mongoloid, you should be able to glean this fairly quickly.
Finally, don't be put off thinking that it's an app just for beautiful people. For sure there are some impossibly attractive people like myself on there, but I see all walks of life on there looking for love, and God bless us all and our sexy endeavors.
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some thumbdick mongoloid
Truth be told, not all the tumbdick mongoloids are so bad
it is a judgmental world in person and in digital
I have got to imagine it's a whole new ball game ...dating today
I can see the positives totally outweighing the negatives
I think that women are more liberated by it. In that they might want to have a casual hook up, but don't want to just have it with any Tom, Dick or Harry (or Tom with the hairy dick)
Guys on the other hand (in a very high percentage of the time) will sleep a really wide range of women they find acceptable.
the ladies now get to be a little choosy, with out having to say NO in the face of the first 15 guys who see her at the bar
again the positives outweigh
win/win
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First of all Relaxer, the second part of your teenage story was amazing. True or not. Secondly, thank you for explaining tinder. I've been quite anxious and on the line about the app. I would be really choosy, but I don't like that it's based on just looks. It would be great to know what the person likes and then you can decide. I mean maybe it's because I'm 30 and a music nerd, but I can't ever date someone who doesn't like at least some of the stuff that I like. Maybe once I get a good haircut, I'll join Tinder just to see if I can get a date lol.
Tinder success is based a lot on looks. However, each profile has, in theory, a 500 word description in which to list likes and dislikes and to deliver an inkling of personality. Mine, for example, marries knowing hilarity with subtle intellect plus a few such-a-good-dad anecdotes. Not everyone leverages this opportunity but I've never swiped right on a description-less profile because Jesus Christ make an effort here people.
Also, on Tinder there are hundreds and hundreds of men -- in your area! -- so the numbers are in your favor that you will match with a good guy who is interested in you. Put right at the top of your profile that you are a music geek, and I guarantee you will generate interest. And if you do match, spend a few minutes (or hours) messaging with them before even thinking about meeting in person. If the dude is some thumbdick mongoloid, you should be able to glean this fairly quickly.
Finally, don't be put off thinking that it's an app just for beautiful people. For sure there are some impossibly attractive people like myself on there, but I see all walks of life on there looking for love, and God bless us all and our sexy endeavors.
Woah! Almost missed this solid comment! I appreciate the ideas, and the strange boost of confidence. Not sure if I'll jump at it, but maybe I will after I get my haircut and new glasses. I probably wouldn't try meeting someone in person until I have a really good game plan. Safety matters! And I sincerely hope you're right about being able to tell if some dude is a thumbdick mongoloid (great word by the way!). Okay I know I can separate out the creepers, but not sure about the bad mistakes. Oh wait, I'm 30. I'm suppose to have a ton of those, right??? And I agree on the blessing you said there ha.
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So Walkonby is being so rude about my thread dying, plus Space asked if any of my efforts have panned out, so here's an update.
As reported previously, Tinder was a mini-disaster when my entire family was signed up along with me, so I cancelled that account. However, I took with it several matches I'd made. J is a mailwoman from Annapolis with fake boobs and lives with her parents, and normally I would've been turned off by everything except the mailwoman part but we had great witty text banter, and she was very aggressive/forward about us meeting, so what the hell. And we had a nice couple weeks of dating, but whereas it was lots of fun to be going back and forth with insults and put-downs via text, it got tiresome when our conversation consisted only of that. Plus, Annapolis. So that one faded.
This was followed by S, a Japanese anime cartoon person who defies all normal semblances to Actual Human Beings. She is like the weirdest JPOP song come to life. She dresses like Pippi Longstocking, is usually carrying one or more stuffed animals, has an amazing apartment (a block away from my office, rrrowwrrr) filled with the fucking weirdest toys you can imagine, and says things like "I will spend Sunday with a bag of apples!!!!!" and when I follow up later, she will report that it's exactly what she did. She is fucking WEIRD but I kind of love her. I can only hang out with her about once a week, and all of our liaisons have come very suddenly. Perfect example. I had a shitty date last night and right as I got home at 11:30, S texted me to come over and look at her new tuba. I get there and no shit, she has somehow acquired a tuba, though has no plans or intentions to learn how to play it. She said she just liked it. We chatted for 20 minutes about My Pretty Pony and then hit the sack.
The salacious one is something I have to be careful about because it's very sensitive. But I'm also having a clandestine affair with the married mother of one of my son's friends. This is straight up fucked up because she sneaks through the back alley and comes in the back door at midnight, even when my kids are asleep upstairs. We hook up and then she sneaks back home. I'm not entirely comfortable with this but I am a garbage person and it is just *so* convenient that I'm still figuring out how best to take an ethical stand. I'm pretty sure I will end this terrible affair very very soon, like perhaps December.
My kids and their mom are away this week on Spring Break, so it's been an unusually active couple of days. Tonight I'm meeting a 50 year old woman who looks incredible for her age. She's also been very forward and insisted on meeting at a place close to my house, so we'll see about that. And tomorrow night is a woman I've never met but is a friend of my sister's and has apparently seen photos and such, so she emailed out of the blue on Monday and we set up cocktail hour for after work tomorrow.
Finally, there's S, a woman in my neighborhood that I've been out with four times and I really like her a lot. However, I don't think she's as into it as I am, and has been kind of distant. She always readily accepts my invites to meet for dinner, but we have dinner, I walk her home, we hug, and that's it. I get zero vibe that she's particularly interested in moving things forward. I'm also apprehensive about her because if she WAS into getting hot and heavy, I'm sure I'd fall in love with her immediately and then have a major problem on my hands because I can't be in a heavy relationship right now, it's just too soon. So I've stopped texting with S because I don't want to encourage a relationship that I'm not prepared to have and because playing hard to get might make her want me more. I know, I'm an emotional crime scene.
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Either this is complete bullshit, or you are my new hero (or both)
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Annapolis is great. What is your problem with Annapolis?
Also, anime chick sounds awesome...
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Because Annapolis is FAR. I'm very clear in my introductions that I want someone in the city, and then I get these damn messages from chicks in Pennsylvania and West Virginia. It's like last night. When S texts me at 11:30 pm to come over, it's no problem because I'm on my bike in 5 minutes and at her place in 10 minutes. Annapolis? JESUS!
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:D
My bad! I thought it was because you hated the city. I love Annapolis. I did not have the introductory post memorized...
(also you might wanna edit your last post, you used a name instead of an initial...)
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I get it. Why travel 20 miles when you have 15-20 women, married, single, amputees, furries, etc., within a 1 mile radius randomly calling you to bang? ::)
:D
My bad! I thought it was because you hated the city. I love Annapolis. I did not have the introductory post memorized...
(also you might wanna edit your last post, you used a name instead of an initial...)
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It's more than 30 miles away
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I wouldn't go to Annapolis for bangs cause its such a beatch to get there from Northern Virginia... you have to pretty much cut across DC- take NY Ave through the crackhoe district-to 50...
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It's more than 30 miles away
She lives with her parents. That seems to be the bottom line in determining that she needed to get her ass to DC if she wanted a piece of you.
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they should rename this to, the armchair doctor loveline thread
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So I mete L last night, a 50 year old divorcee who was unusually proactive about us meeting, and how, and where. As in, when we met, she had a place picked out that was a block away from my house, she'd made the reservations, she'd researched the drinks, and during dinner she reminded me that my dog needed a walk and that she'd like to join me on this walk.
When we met, she was coming from work, so she was totally decked out in Executive Garb, with the power suit, pearls, corporate hair, etc. I on the other hand had only seen her casual, dressed-down pics so I showed up in a short-sleeve button-down and black jeans. Whoops! I even apologized but she said that's exactly how she pictured me, and it never proved to be an issue, though we probably looked like a mismatched couple. Which we totally are, but who cares. I also felt bad when she walked into the house because shit is a MESS, but she insisted it just looked "lived in" which I interpreted as "Let's do our filthy business and then I'm outta here." Ehh, no complaints here.
I'm genuinely not sure if I'll see her again. I kinda feel like I was consumed and she moved on.
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I love it Relaxer!
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I'm a little worried about tonight's meeting with (yet another!) L. She's been texting me a lot this week, and there's this cutesy wholesome quality to her, which isn't necessarily a negative, but last night she mentioned that she hopes it's ok if she only has ice tea at happy hour because she doesn't drink alcohol. Cue: record scratch, say whaaaaaa? I mean, she's a friend of my sister's, who is a raging but functional alcoholic, as am I to be honest. Plus I've noticed that all of her jokes are peachy-keeny wholesome jokes and she usually replies with some iteration of "Don't Go There!" or "TMI!" when I start referencing cockrings or reverse cowgirls. After last night's gymnastics, I don't know how excited I am with spending two hours talking about Little House on the Prairie. I suppose I could salvage it if anime girl or married mom is available later.
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Final note -- I got messaged on OKCupid last night by a woman who apparently is a killer pool player, so I'm genuinely excited about this one. I'm enjoying going out and meeting women to eat and drink and chat, but there's a samey element to it. Next week, I'll be meeting B at her favorite pool place, and that's going to be cool because it's doing an activity that I really enjoy. Plus, I had a girlfriend many years ago that was extremely good at pool and we had SO much fun going out and just destroying other couples at the tables.
The only drawback is when we're playing next week, I'm going to be dying for a dip, as I always chew when I play pool, but I'll feel compelled to hold off due to the ick factor. Though if I've had a few drinks, I may just not give a fukkk. "Bae, this here is a package deal [spit]"
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I find it baffling that a guy your age would even want sex seemingly every night of the week. Is that due to you having been deprived of any pussy at the end of your marriage and now you're trying to make up for lost time?
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I find it baffling that a guy your age would even want sex seemingly every night of the week. Is that due to you having been deprived of any pussy at the end of your marriage and now you're trying to make up for lost time?
^downer...
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I find it baffling that a guy your age would even want sex seemingly every night of the week. Is that due to you having been deprived of any pussy at the end of your marriage and now you're trying to make up for lost time?
Maybe? Mostly though because it's fun and who cares
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I find it baffling that a guy your age would even want sex seemingly every night of the week. Is that due to you having been deprived of any pussy at the end of your marriage and now you're trying to make up for lost time?
^downer...
It's not about the quantity (well it's not as long as you're getting enough), it's about the quality.
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I wonder if Magic Johnson, Wilt Chamberlain, or Gene Simmons ever fretted that there was a sameyness to their shenanigans?
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I find it baffling that a guy your age would even want sex seemingly every night of the week. Is that due to you having been deprived of any pussy at the end of your marriage and now you're trying to make up for lost time?
^downer...
It's not about the quantity (well it's not as long as you're getting enough), it's about the quality.
pftt
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free relaxer.. let the man regale us with tales of sexual thrills and pecadillos.. that is what this thread is for..
james ford take your puritanism to some other thread.. maybe the parenting one or something!
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free relaxer.. let the man regale us with tales of sexual thrills and pecadillos.. that is what this thread is for..
james ford take your puritanism to some other thread.. maybe the parenting one or something!
Sorry, I'm not puritanical when it comes to sex.
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Hell yeah, bring the bone zone to Pound Town, Spacey. Get all up in those guts and flow some rounds, yo.
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This was an intriguing solicitation. I felt biologically obligated to reply. Probably a small chance of success, because if for no other reason they're probably being inundated in a tidal wave of replies. But I have good photos so I suspect I'll get a reply. Then all I'll have to do is do some research on how to be a "dom".
(http://images.craigslist.org/01212_l9SZAVRJSb7_600x450.jpg)
Double Trouble (two littles looking for a dom)
body : curvy status : single
age: 22
Two gorgeous and intelligent young ladies in search of a Daddy Dom who is experienced in having two littles or a Daddy Dom who is willing to take on that challenge. (Maximum Age 47)
We are two women who have the same taste in what we want out of life. We are very critical of the people that we bring into our lives, and we haven't made this decision lightly or on a whim. We are very dedicated littles and we would love to find our dedicated Dom. If you're looking for an easy lay; we are not the two for you.
Since there is two of us replying to any suitors, we will reply by our names: Stani or Dani. Sometimes we will reply at the same time so you can meet us! If you are interested please send us a message containing a little about yourself and put your favorite candy in the tittle (If you don't like candy then say so in the tittle ^ w ^).
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i'm rooting for anime girl, but that could be TWO anime girls
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i'm rooting for anime girl, but that could be TWO anime girls
or two fat ("curvy") girls. Not that there's anything wrong with that, unless you're Julian.
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two ladies looking for a dom do not need to advertise far and wide. this sounds fishy to me. reads like a form letter that these "two" are blasting out.
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That's a good point Sweets, but I'm just delusionally arrogant enough to think that maybe I can make a bad girl(s) good, at least for 45 minutes or so.
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Link, in case anyone else wants to try for these shenanigans.
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/w4m/5516132512.html
8)
This one also should work for many of our live music/pot loving boardmates:
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/w4m/5516725090.html
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Link, in case anyone else wants to try for these shenanigans.
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/w4m/5516132512.html
8)
sketchy (more so than the average CL "i wanna f*ck" ad). as tantalizing an offer as that is, i wouldn't expect anything of it. and i'd be really apprehensive if i did get a response.
This one also should work for many of our live music/pot loving boardmates:
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/w4m/5516725090.html
post has been removed... what was it for/offering/asking/etc.?
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Link, in case anyone else wants to try for these shenanigans.
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/w4m/5516132512.html
8)
sketchy (more so than the average CL "i wanna f*ck" ad). as tantalizing an offer as that is, i wouldn't expect anything of it. and i'd be really apprehensive if i did get a response.
This one also should work for many of our live music/pot loving boardmates:
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/w4m/5516725090.html
post has been removed... what was it for/offering/asking/etc.?
Shit, it was W4M seeking someone who loves going to see live music, and must be a pot smoker....
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Good god! That sounds exactly like my soul mate/spirit animal! Stupid flaggers. I hate them so much!
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i'm rooting for anime girl, but that could be TWO anime girls
or two fat ("curvy") girls. Not that there's anything wrong with that, unless you're Julian.
acceptable risk for me to take on behalf of Relaxer
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Good god! That sounds exactly like my soul mate/spirit animal! Stupid flaggers. I hate them so much!
why would it be flagged for removal? listening to music, and smoking pot, aren't enforceable offenses on CL as far as i remember...
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Good god! That sounds exactly like my soul mate/spirit animal! Stupid flaggers. I hate them so much!
why would it be flagged for removal? listening to music, and smoking pot, aren't enforceable offenses on CL as far as i remember...
What I've heard is that there are some dudes who will reply to an ad and then if they don't get a reply within 30 seconds that says "Come make love to me now" they get all butthurt and flag the ad.
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if they like to get butthurt over online offers of anonymous sex, i have a few buddies who can help them out... badum-tss!
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Got a reply from the twins heh heh, I'll post it later
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(https://media.giphy.com/media/ToMjGpz81S7usvTIM8w/giphy.gif)
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So last night's date with L was very nice. Super sweet woman, interesting and interested, and we had a nice time. But as I suspected, there's this whole princess element to her that I'm just can't relate to. Lives with her parents, taking various classes with no real goal, and of course, doesn't drink. So it was a pleasant evening but in my head I knew there wouldn't be another one, and I think she did too because she sent me another blizzard of texts afterward and this morning kind of trying to re-sell herself.
But what was interesting was when I hit the men's room, I checked my phone to see if anything had come in, and I'd received a response from the two Asian women:
"Hello and first thank you for replying to our ad.
We both live in/near the d.c. area so distance will certainly not be a problem. Well the first thing I would like to make clear is that we will both be reading the messages and we encourage you to be completely open and honest about everything.
I (Stani ) am the more out going and the most friendly of the two of us. I tend to get overly excited so I hope that's okay with you, while Dani is more level headed and down to Earth. You could say that we are complete opposites but we truly do complete each other. What we are looking for is someone who will compliment us."
So we'll see about that! I appreciate the sentiments, expressed in this thread and via PM, that this might be a scam but I'm pretty good at protecting my interests so I'm going full-barrel into it. I've never really been interested in the idea of dating two women together, but y'know, why not? So I got really drunk and high last night and wrote what I thought was a masterful reply, so I expect they'll be getting back to me. I'm deliberately not going back and re-read what I wrote though because why bring up old stuff?
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so are we not going to get an Instagram account here
I'm not talking faces or compromising positions...but just funny shit related to the dates
like her shoes
definitely the Tuba
maybe a screen shot of some of your txt banter
the masses want more
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I'll consider it.
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"What we are looking for is someone who will compliment us."
How good are you at handing out compliments?
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maybe I missed this part, there is so much in this thread to pound through . . . but do the women involved in these personal parlays of yours, know you are posting about them in on an online forum fuck thread? I still think the name should be changed to that, even though you would have to blur out the fuck in fuck thread, and who wants that.
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No, of course I haven't mentioned this, which is why I'm trying to keep it somewhat anonymous and also why I'm not going to post any photos. Am I being unethical here? It doesn't seem like it to me, but I'm open to hearing viewpoints on this.
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things are going mighty fine on this thread.. no need to make any changes.. just keep keepin' on...
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I think it is quasi unethical with out really hurting anyone or giving personal details. I don't think the other people involved would be pleased if they knew, but that is a normal human reaction to such things. I believe it a mental call on your part to decide if what you are doing is right or wrong . . . which is such juicy formulation for a brain to make. choose wisely, like one of those old timey choose your own adventure books.
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we barely know who you are (relaxer) and if you don't give any deets on who they are....not sure how this could be an ethical issues
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I think it is quasi unethical with out really hurting anyone or giving personal details. I don't think the other people involved would be pleased if they knew, but that is a normal human reaction to such things. I believe it a mental call on your part to decide if what you are doing is right or wrong . . . which is such juicy formulation for a brain to make. choose wisely, like one of those old timey choose your own adventure books.
yeah, because people lookin' for anonymous sex online have feelings too. ;D
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gurl
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we barely know who you are (relaxer) and if you don't give any deets on who they are....not sure how this could be an ethical issues
Hemingway
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we barely know who you are (relaxer) and if you don't give any deets on who they are....not sure how this could be an ethical issues
Hemingway
I was thinking more Henry Miller, but wahduino
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Damn, Relaxer, you've been super busy lately lol. Here I thought the thread went cold and then tonight, I found all this amusing stuff to read. The anime girl sounds kickass. You have to be pretty awesome to just randomly buy a tuba. She sounds like some fantastic character out of an episode of Portlandia ha.
The mother of your son's friend thing sounds like some crazy ish. I'd jump ship before getting caught. Nothing more awkward than explaining to your son why Johnny's mom was over and left her panties in a hurry. (Real talk - sure kids sleep soundly but they're also expert ninjas when it comes to sneaking around at night. I only know this because 20 years ago, I was a kid and I snuck out of bed and caught my older half sister with a guy. Thank God it was nothing graphic! She was 20 at the time and was babysitting me and our younger sister overnight.)
As for the twins, not sure whether to laugh, give you a high five, or find it a bit creepy. Wanting a Dom is one thing, but wanting a daddy Dom is just a bit ewe in my opinion. You'll have to let us know if the girls are real or if it's a scam! Either way, the story will be a popcorn kind of read.
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No word back from the twins yet, that ship may have sailed (or never existed in the first place).
Ok, I need some brainstorming help. Tonight I'm seeing a woman who was born in Thailand and has been in the US for about 10 years, I think. We'd originally planned dinner and drinks, but now she's saying she wants "to do something fun." Something fun? Something fun? What is that? I don't know what's fun. What do people do for fun? Meaning, people that are not like us music nerds.
I need ideas and I need them fast. I can dance so that's a possibility, but where does someone go to dance on a Monday night? I suppose I could propose a bar with games like pool or board games, but which bar is that exactly?
Anyone got any bright ideas?
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She sounds high maintenance....
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Possibly but maybe she's just as tired with the dinner-and-drinks-and-chat circuit that I am and wants to do something more active. Let's go with that theory as you all come up with brilliant ideas.
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No word back from the twins yet, that ship may have sailed (or never existed in the first place).
Ok, I need some brainstorming help. Tonight I'm seeing a woman who was born in Thailand and has been in the US for about 10 years, I think. We'd originally planned dinner and drinks, but now she's saying she wants "to do something fun." Something fun? Something fun? What is that? I don't know what's fun. What do people do for fun? Meaning, people that are not like us music nerds.
I need ideas and I need them fast. I can dance so that's a possibility, but where does someone go to dance on a Monday night? I suppose I could propose a bar with games like pool or board games, but which bar is that exactly?
Anyone got any bright ideas?
Long ago, when I was single in the 90's, I did the personals. So I was always having to fulfill the "fun" request, as if just being with me in and of itself was anything less than a thrill a minute.
How about bowling? Or miniature golf? An art gallery? Comet PING PONG? Asians like ping pong, right?
The first woman I ever met via a personal ad suggested we meet at a laundromat. And we did. Perhaps she wanted to check out my underwear. No sparks but at least I got my laundry done. She said her favorite thing to do in the whole world was driving around the Baltimore Beltway late at night. Perhaps I lack imagination, and I'm pretty sure she wasn't suggesting it as a first date activity, but that didn't appeal to me.
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This is tough to resist.....Madams Organ:
Monday, April 4
One Nite Stand
Reggae
Funk
R&B
Heating up the place with the wicked licks of his saxophone, is D.C.'s own Walter Tates, Jr, the banging bass of B.T. Richardson, the hot strings of lead guitarist Tony Harrod, the irresistible beat of "Biscuit", on the drums. Audiences are inspired to move to the tantalizing groove of One Nite Stand, with their Caribbean Dance . A guaranteed good time is awaiting you each and every Monday night.
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Actually I am not recommending Madams Organ as its a bit divey...so far I got nothing
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You could always just buy a tuba and see where that takes you...
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the problem is my idea of fun tonight would probably be getting plowed eating buffalo wings watching NCAA final...
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the problem is my idea of fun tonight would probably be getting plowed eating buffalo wings watching NCAA final...
Well I like the "getting plowed" part.
Thanks guys, these are all solid gold ideas.
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maybe you shoudl try that songbyrd place.. i like the idea of cutting a record.. don't know if the machine works..take the tuba
http://www.washingtonian.com/2015/04/21/5-things-to-look-for-at-songbyrd-record-cafe/
http://www.yelp.com/biz/songbyrd-record-cafe-washington
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http://wamu.org/news/14/07/08/51_things_everyone_should_experience_at_least_once_in_dc
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http://www.kennedy-center.org/video/upcoming
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So what I really want to know is
Have updated your tinder pic with your arms stretched wide (http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/03/30/472250698/to-catch-someone-on-tinder-stretch-your-arms-wide)
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the problem is my idea of fun tonight would probably be getting plowed eating buffalo wings watching NCAA final...
Well I like the "getting plowed" part.
Thanks guys, these are all solid gold ideas.
Somewhere, I am smiling, and thinking about that.
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Jesus I gotta stop dating these women who don't have to be at work until 2:00 pm
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Jesus I gotta stop dating these women who don't have to be at work until 2:00 pm
Well sounds like you had an interesting night!!! Please do tell. I could use the amusement because I'm sick, waiting for this nurse practitioner to see me. Basically, I sound like I either have consumption or bronchitis. (Oh the looks I've gotten for this painful, hideous cough!) I'm sick enough that I've already cancelled my plans to go see Duran Duran & Chic on Friday.
the problem is my idea of fun tonight would probably be getting plowed eating buffalo wings watching NCAA final...
I'm a 30 year old straight female and that sounds like fun! Then again, my dad raised me on college hoops. I was hoping to watch the game last night, but felt too bad to stay up.
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I wanted to say something . . . then I decided to not say, it.
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It was a good but challenging night. I picked her up at 8:00 at her house out in Rosslyn. I was thinking Hutch's Madams Organ idea from the previous page was a solid go-to but instead she directed me to this Thai restaurant in Arlington, where we had dinner and a couple cocktails. Thing is, I was STARVING and she immediately started speaking in Thai to the waitress and ordered all this food, almost none of it I liked because it had slimy, possibly still-living animals in it. So I didn't eat much, but I did drink a lot!
Then, as we were contemplating our next step, hey look, Carpool is right across the street! I kept calling it Carbarn though because that's the name of a condo development on the Hill. She thought that was cute at first but later she told me to stop saying Carbarn, to which I immediately coughed CARBARN. Pretty sure I repeated this a few more times. So we played some pool and she said that playing pool is really sexy. We were in a room off of the main area of Carbarn so it was just us and then two guys and a girl at the table next to ours. At some point, T got it in her head that the girl at the other table had the hots for me, and she got... not belligerent but snarky-competitive. Not to the girl directly, but in a voice that got exceedingly louder and louder. For my part, I couldn't tell if this was made up or not.
Anyway, soon the subject of "whose house are we going to?" came up. She said she'd recently moved into her place, so she was sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I stupidly bragged that I slept on a $4,000 bed, so instead of driving 5 minutes back to her place, we drove 35 minutes back to my place. Lovin' commenced and all was seemingly fine as I was preparing to fall asleep at around midnight.
Except that this didn't happen because she started babbling about the spirit of my son pervading the room. I mean, she just went on and on and on and on and on about it. She said I needed to burn sage in the room, I needed to get a healer to come into the house to cleanse it, and that there was unrest in the house. Basically she turned into
(http://grownasslady.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Poltergeist-movie-08.jpg)
This went on for more than an hour. And then, when it seemed like she was winding down, she burst into tears and said she was unbalanced because she'd had a massive concussion a few weeks earlier. Wait, what? You're just mentioning this now? She sobbed for a solid hour, with me trying to comfort her but starting to feel nauseous from fatigue. She said the pain was even more acute because of my son's negative energy swirling about the room, and she asked if we could go sleep in a different room. Well, the only other rooms in the house are my sons' and I'm not ready to go there, so we tried to just make the best of it in the bedroom.
Then she wanted to go another round but I was just not feeling it and I told her unfortunately I was going to be a one hit wonder tonight, so she said she wanted to go back to her place. Seeing an opportunity, I agreed and at 3:30 am, we got dressed and drove back to her house. While we were en route, she was talking about what we'd do when we got there, and I made the executive decision to declare "I've made an executive decision. I'm dropping you off and I'm going back to my house because I have to get some rest before going to work tomorrow." She complained a little but I nicely but firmly told her that she didn't have to get up in 3 hours to go to work and I did, and she was nice about it. So I dropped her off, I went home, I discovered that she'd left all sorts of her stuff lying around the house, and I went to bed at around 4:15.
So, not a hugely dramatic story but I'm dragging ASS today. And tonight I'm meeting B, a very nice lady who apparently is extremely good at pool. Meeting at a pool place obviously. Let's see if this "playing pool looks sexy" mojo works twice. Kinda worried that I'm going to pass out at my lunchtime gym crossfit class. Plus I'm doing a spin class after work right before I have to bike across town to meet B, so there's a strong possibility I will pass out on a pool table tonight.
(http://f.tqn.com/y/options/1/W/n/1/-/-/obligations.png)
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Your story sort of reminds me of the time I met a deaf Asian tranny via a personal ad. Though she never actually told me about the tranny part.
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jesus . . . this thread has just hit, the magical moment of incredibleness. its, like having our own Jackie Collins telling all her juicy fuck stories. go on, guuurl.
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I really shouldn't have tried to read this trying to eat my sad desk salad and water...nearly had goatcheese and broccoli shooting out of my nose at least twice
I think I would have hailed an Uber and gotten her home that way.
this was one of my favorite lines
because it had slimy, possibly still-living animals in it
also tell me more about this $4k bed
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I wanted to say something . . . then I decided to not say, it.
Thank you! I appreciate it. Wasn't hitting on anyone. Looking back now, I realize how that sounded like I was. Ugh. Just giving a female perspective.
So in case anyone cares, nurse practitioner told me that I have a pretty bad case of bronchitis. She's afraid it might be severe. Basically, I'm to call her if I don't get any better by Thursday. Having asthma, I'm well aware of the risks; but bloody hell, it's been ages since I've been this sick.
Okay now onto what Relaxer shared... Holy shit! I'm not sure which was weirder - the concussion crying thing or her complaining about your son's supposed negative energy. Did you have a moment in which you thought "Why did I think it would be fun to tap that?" I hope it was worth being sleep deprived. Not to mention, you'll have to see her again considering you have to give her the stuff back that she left at your place. Anyhow, Tonight's date sounds far more interesting and cooler, but who knows if you'll be able to stay awake. Best of luck! Also, I'm with SideBernt. $4,000 bed?! Do tell!!!
Your story sort of reminds me of the time I met a deaf Asian tranny via a personal ad. Though she never actually told me about the tranny part.
Holy shit! A+
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Your story sort of reminds me of the time I met a deaf Asian tranny via a personal ad. Though she never actually told me about the tranny part.
Holy shit! A+
I agree...
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good matresses cost $2000 easy these days.... just sayin'
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I wanted to say something . . . then I decided to not say, it.
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My wonderful bed is a top of the line Tempurpedic, with a very sexy frame and exciting sheets and pillows, which themselves cost $200 a pop. It was a luxury that my exwife and I decided to indulge in a few years ago because why skimp on something you spend hours on every day?
Interestingly ironic, for all my crowing about how great it is to ride this bed to Pound Town, it's actually a little hard to get funky on it because the participant on the bottom tends to sink into the mattress, limiting her or his movements, while the participant on the top can find him/herself struggling to maintain a solid base of operations.
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good matresses cost $2000 easy these days.... just sayin'
Dat casper mattress doh... best purchase I've made in a long time.
King was around $900ish for the mattress and came delivered in a small box.
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My wonderful bed is a top of the line Tempurpedic, with a very sexy frame and exciting sheets and pillows, which themselves cost $200 a pop. It was a luxury that my exwife and I decided to indulge in a few years ago because why skimp on something you spend hours on every day?
Interestingly ironic, for all my crowing about how great it is to ride this bed to Pound Town, it's actually a little hard to get funky on it because the participant on the bottom tends to sink into the mattress, limiting her or his movements, while the participant on the top can find him/herself struggling to maintain a solid base of operations.
I'm just wondering how you and not your wife gets to live in the house and sleep in the bed that you presumably bought together.
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My wonderful bed is a top of the line Tempurpedic, with a very sexy frame and exciting sheets and pillows, which themselves cost $200 a pop. It was a luxury that my exwife and I decided to indulge in a few years ago because why skimp on something you spend hours on every day?
Interestingly ironic, for all my crowing about how great it is to ride this bed to Pound Town, it's actually a little hard to get funky on it because the participant on the bottom tends to sink into the mattress, limiting her or his movements, while the participant on the top can find him/herself struggling to maintain a solid base of operations.
I'm just wondering how you and not your wife gets to live in the house and sleep in the bed that you presumably bought together.
Because I bought the house many years before I met her and because it was 90% my money that paid for the bed.
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My wonderful bed is a top of the line Tempurpedic, with a very sexy frame and exciting sheets and pillows, which themselves cost $200 a pop. It was a luxury that my exwife and I decided to indulge in a few years ago because why skimp on something you spend hours on every day?
Interestingly ironic, for all my crowing about how great it is to ride this bed to Pound Town, it's actually a little hard to get funky on it because the participant on the bottom tends to sink into the mattress, limiting her or his movements, while the participant on the top can find him/herself struggling to maintain a solid base of operations.
I'm just wondering how you and not your wife gets to live in the house and sleep in the bed that you presumably bought together.
Because I bought the house many years before I met her and because it was 90% my money that paid for the bed.
next thing James Ford will want to know why you didn't give her 10% of your matress, frame, sheets and pillows...
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(https://yahooeysblog.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/john-cage-poetry.jpg)
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My wonderful bed is a top of the line Tempurpedic
seriously folks: you know you've grown up and made it when you get yourself a TEMPUR-Pedic® mattress. pure luxury. their eye-mask is amazing too.
and maybe i'm not as, ah, acrobatic as relaxer but i've never had any issues with gettin' down on a tempurpedic (or maybe i'm just doing it right OH SNAP).
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we have one of those.. the $2000 I was talking about..
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and maybe i'm not as, ah, acrobatic as relaxer but i've never had any issues with gettin' down on a tempurpedic (or maybe i'm just doing it right OH SNAP).
That deserves a high five or at least a round of applause.
My wonderful bed is a top of the line Tempurpedic, with a very sexy frame and exciting sheets and pillows, which themselves cost $200 a pop.
Damn. That alone should be in your dating profile. Then again, you'd probably have a lot of late twentysomethings and early thirtysomethings wanting to sleep in your bed. (Real talk - when you're paying student loans, you're most likely sleeping on something not as awesome.)
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Interestingly ironic, for all my crowing about how great it is to ride this bed to Pound Town, it's actually a little hard to get funky on it because the participant on the bottom tends to sink into the mattress, limiting her or his movements, while the participant on the top can find him/herself struggling to maintain a solid base of operations.
Pillow under the small of her back in missionary regardless of the bed will provide great rewards for both parties....
And never take them back to your place if you can at all avoid it.
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Kinda starting to fuck up here. My issue is that I am biologically incapable of not replying to a message sent to me on these dating sites/apps. My plate is completely full. I had to basically stop seeing this gorgeous, very cool woman who was into me because I just couldn't ever find time to see her (point against her: she lived outside the Beltway). Even now, I'd kind of settled into a groove with a few, where they all seemed relatively cool with getting together once a week as long as I shot them a few texts each night. But
I know this seems like a lot of humble-brag complaining, and I suppose it is, but this thread is detailing my journey into becoming single again at age 45, and this is the dynamic I'm struggling with.
There's C, who is the head bartender at a very popular, very boisterous bar in Alexandria. She is a really remarkable woman who is EXCELLENT at what she does. Plus she goes out of her way to be loving and affectionate to me while she's running the bar. Everyone who comes in the door -- and there must be a hundred+ each night -- seems to know and love her. It's amazing to watch her work. I'm not sure there's a long fruitful future for us, but I really do like her a lot.
There's T, who is gorgeous but also pretty crazy, and not in the fun sexy way. She's got like 4 lawsuits pending against various places, she gets fired from one job after another, she can't drive because of a DWI last year, and when she drinks, she gets really shout-y. Still, every time we go out, I end up driving home at 3:30 am shaking my head at the insanity of the night we just had. It's strangely intoxicating.
The Japanese anime fungirl is still knocking around as well. I've been intending to move out of this one, but she's so free and easy that it's like, why would I do that? We haven't gotten together in about a week and a half, and it's going to be at least a week before we're able to again, but she seems completely fine with it. She continues to send me the oddest fucking messages. One was an entire screen filled with alternating chicken and cat emojis. I texted back to say, wtf? And she replied "COCKS AND PUSSIES GO TOGETHER" so that motivated me to try and schedule something with her soon.
And then the evil side of me is still seeing a woman that I absolutely should not be seeing, but I do because she'll come over at the drop of a text and be on her way home 30 minutes later. Going to hell for this one.
Then *just today* an incredibly cute and interesting woman who lives in my neighborhood messaged me and I simply have no choice but to work her into the mix.
What I need to do is figure out what I want, because what I don't want is to be an asshole. I've been honest with everyone when they ask if I'm seeing other people; the thing is, the only one that's asked is Anime Girl and when I said that I was dating around, she smiled, raised her shoulders cutely and said "That ok with me!" God bless her.
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What I need to do is figure out what I want, because what I don't want is to be an asshole. I've been honest with everyone when they ask if I'm seeing other people; the thing is, the only one that's asked is Anime Girl and when I said that I was dating around, she smiled, raised her shoulders cutely and said "That ok with me!" God bless her.
No you don't. This isn't the 80's, 90's or even the beginning of the naughts.
This is dating in the 20-teens and that's how it is now. Keep enjoying yourself until you find someone you want to be serious with, then act quickly and clear out the pen.
Are you asking them if they are seeing others? No. Do you know why? Because you don't give a shit either.
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^yeah I was going to post the same thing..
don't listen to the puritan in you...or on the board either for that matter
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Good perspective guys, thanks.
stangelsin, what do you think? Am I being a stereotypical douchebag male? Be honest and blunt, I wanna hear a woman's perspective.
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Have you hooked up with Michelle Obama yet?
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I still have a few months. I would turn her inside out, respectfully.
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I don't think you're being an asshole by dating around. That's what being single means to most men and women, until you find someone special.
Though arguably, you are being an asshole by sleeping with married women. Unless they are in an open marriage, or are being denied sex by their spouse.
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The married thing is a dick move for sure. I know that the husband works 18 hours a day and that their relationship has gone into limbo, but it certainly doesn't help that his wife has a loverman she sneaks out of the house to visit at midnight.
I just have this compulsive need to always be on the hunt. I mean, yesterday I came in here bitching about how I was juggling too many people and then last night after the kids went to bed, I got messaged by this sexy veterinarian and we ended up chatting for two hours and before I went to bed she'd texted me pictures of her boobs and butt. I mean, fuckin technolgy is unreal. And now I have another prospect in the mix. I hate to say it but this may be the death knell for crazy Japanese anime girl.
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I hate to say it but this may be the death knell for crazy Japanese anime girl.
noooo....she's my favorite
My opinion with here is, she's not looking for much from you
So unless that changes, I'd just keep her in the wings
I wouldn't marry a girl who just went and bought a Tuba because she like's the idea of owning it, but I'm sure she's never a dull moment...we all need more of that in our lives
So looking like the Instagram thing isn't happening
com'on...
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I mean, fuckin technolgy is unreal.
http://www.getkeepsafe.com/
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I mean, fuckin technolgy is unreal.
http://www.getkeepsafe.com/
never sure if it's a good idea clicking on a VS link at work....
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never sure if it's a good idea clicking on a VS link at work....
It's an app that hides photos. And it's brilliant.
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Cal Ripken is now 55 and single.
Where can I go to read his blog on hunting pussy?
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people are not meant to be married to the same person for life...
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people are not meant to be married to the same person for life...
That sounds like a confession.
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people are not meant to be married to the same person for life...
That sounds like a confession.
I call the belief two people should be together for life one of the great myths of life/organizing principles.... kind of like the belief in the existence of God.... people have to believe it to make their life bearable..doesn't make it true..
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This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother?s crazy. He thinks he?s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don?t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that?s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they?re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.
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This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother?s crazy. He thinks he?s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don?t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that?s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they?re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.
"keep going through it" is the key to this wonderful Woody Allen quote...at least the way I hear it..
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while looking up that one...had to post this one that made me chuckle again
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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Well now I'm fucked. I'm basically in love with one woman (who feels the same) and wanting to break off all my other goings-on, but I'm just dreading it. There's two other women I've been seeing, and I'm feeling compelled to break it off with them so that I don't fuck it up with my new match.
So here's a question for the chorus: what is the most acceptable and least hassle option of actually delivering a break-up to someone who has admitted, repeatedly, having very strong feelings. Also, sex has been involved with both.
I can't do this via text, can I? Phone call? Face-to-face meeting? Smoke signals? Just go completely ghost? I know face-to-face is optimal, but that involves scheduling and childcare and burning an entire no-kid evening, plus do I deliver the news at the outset and then we just go our separate ways? Do I deliver at the end of the night?
I intend to be completely honest about this, but I also want to break it off with the least amount of drama and hassle for me. Any advice? Fortunately, one of them is married with kids, so she won't have much standing to get all "HOW DARE YOU???" on me. The other lady, the aforementioned bartender, is going to be very tough because we've become very close, but I knew it was never going to really stick.
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this thread, went from porn . . . to oprah, real quick.
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You're 45, hopefully by now you know the best ways to deal with social situations, even if they're not the easiest route. You made your own mess, now stop being such a pussy and go do the right thing.
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wait I lost track and am confused..relaxer you are in love with the married woman whose husband hangs in the car? or is this somebody else?
do not "do the right thing" necessarily cause its usually "the wrong thing".....
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By "do the right thing", I mean simply break up with them in person as opposed to text, email, skywriting or snail mail.. If you're sticking your dick in their pussy and telling them you have feelings for them, an in-person breakup would be the courteous, gentlemanly thing to do.
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By "do the right thing", I mean simply break up with them in person as opposed to text, email, skywriting or snail mail.. If you're sticking your dick in their pussy and telling them you have feelings for them, an in-person breakup would be the courteous, gentlemanly thing to do.
not necessarily.... sometimes being really harsh.. being very mean and UN-gentlemanly puts the other person in an easier position to move on....
The "ghosting" approach could be best...
I mean what if Relaxer meets with her to break up and starts bawling cause its so hard for him? You think that would help???
What is the worst thing that can happen if he "ghosts" it? She'll hate his guts but that might be easier than just plain feeling sad that she lost the "awesome Relaxer who is a gentleman"...
I have found that often times people "do the right thing" just to be able to live with themselves and rationalize that it is the best thing "ethically"....but not necessarily so...
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I can only comment on how I would prefer to be dumped, I can't pretend to know what others prefer. I'm guessing most of my friends would prefer the same; if i were on Facebook I'd ax them.
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Face to face just isn't possible because that's 3 meetings (forgot that Japanese girl warranted the speech) of unknown duration so instead I wrote a long, detailed, emotional text to one of them and then cut/pasted new versions with specific references for the other two. Yeah it's cynical and shitty but if I was in their shoes, that's the way I'd want it.
Hutch, married woman was one of the three. The woman I'm into is a new one that I just hooked up with a week or two ago. I know, this shit moves quickly
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The compassionate thing to do is spin these women off to various boardies of your own choosing.
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New thread title...
My Journey into Becoming Coupled Again at Age 45
I already know I prefer single Relaxer tales.
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New thread title...
My Journey into Becoming Coupled Again at Age 45
I already know I prefer single Relaxer tales.
+1
And this is an observation and not a judgment...but I've always wondered why some people want to get into a relationship so quickly after leaving a marriage. I guess some people just don't like being single/alone.
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Believe me, the last thing I want is a damn relationship. My goals and strategies were aimed toward one thing -- going out and meeting as many beautiful women as possible. I treasure the memories of having four women spend the night over four nights. I even told F (the woman I'm committing to for the moment) that I'm an emotional crime scene, I'm not at all ready for a relationship, I will never introduce you to my kids, I'm only good for once a week at best, and I'm a terrible boyfriend. But we just kept talking and I just getting more and more fond of her, and now we're at the point where it's not ethical to continue with her while banging three or four other women.
Is this permanent? Highly doubtful. I've known F for just a few weeks. She's a rare combination of all the things I want though, so I have to give it a shot. That said, I've told all the women I broke it off with that I'm "suspending" our thing. To a man, all have said I'm strongly encouraged to contact them when/if this blows over. And I intend to. And if none of them are available, then that's fine too. I'll just re-up my OKC profile and start over.
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New thread title...
My Journey into Becoming Coupled Again at Age 45
I already know I prefer single Relaxer tales.
+1
And this is an observation and not a judgment...but I've always wondered why some people want to get into a relationship so quickly after leaving a marriage. I guess some people just don't like being single/alone.
a lot of men need a woman to take care of them and tell them what to do....they get out of a divorce cause she leaves , the first person they date they marry.. she leaves again..another divorce...they get into a long term relationship.... I do not understand it...and if they are alone they are miserable! i know an elderly man with alzheimers.. moved into a retirement community.. was miserable until he found another woman to hang out with .. never mind she has no memory at all (he has some)... its actually the same man btw
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I just ran the numbers and I've dated (in some form or another) eleven women since January. The fact that I had experiences/connections with 10 women before F is a good thing. This is not a case of buying the first house you visit. And while I think we're at the start of a very nice relationship, I would not put money on it lasting beyond this year only because I figure I'll fuck it up somehow. Hell, even yesterday I found myself sassy-chatting with a hot single mom at my son's baseball game and she texted me her number last night.
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I just ran the numbers and I've dated (in some form or another) eleven women since January. The fact that I had experiences/connections with 10 women before F is a good thing. This is not a case of buying the first house you visit. And while I think we're at the start of a very nice relationship, I would not put money on it lasting beyond this year only because I figure I'll fuck it up somehow. Hell, even yesterday I found myself sassy-chatting with a hot single mom at my son's baseball game and she texted me her number last night.
well just to be clear I'm not talking about you specifically.. more about men in general
Men tend to need women more than vice versa.. .women tend to age fairly well, live noticeably longer.. men crap out
look at Bill Clinton and Hillary for example... Bill looks terrible... can hardly deliver a speech without fucking up.. meanwhile Hillary is the energizer bunny..
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.. because I figure I'll fuck it up somehow. Hell, even yesterday I found myself sassy-chatting with a hot single mom at my son's baseball game and she texted me her number last night.
This was a great coda to the lamest chapter in this book
We look forward to your annihilation
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sassy . . . chatting?
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Yeah, I'm totally boring now, still fully on the F train with no salacious stories to tell and no sordid experiences to cackle about. I even told that hot single mom who texted me that I was off the market. Which is a damn shame because she was ready to go.
On the bright side, once this relationship with F inevitably shits the bed, I'll be jumping back into the sexpool with both feet, so stay tuned.
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please do trumpsingles!
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please do trumpsingles!
i can't support this strongly enough. please please please sign up.
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please do trumpsingles!
i can't support this strongly enough. please please please sign up.
So it was the Gwarbq for Jules last year
this summr it's TrumpSingles for Relaxer...we'll all chip in for the preimum account
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why would he do this? He just dumped a busload of chicks....
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It's true, after a spring of utter debauchery, I girlfed out for THREE MONTHS with F. We had a great, loving relationship that moved like a whirlwind. It was almost disconcerting how quickly we became a couple with future plans and locked-down commitment. Now, I will say that there's some fuzziness between the time when we both declared each other committed and the time when I stopped hooking up with other women. Some might even whisper that a certain married mother of 2 never completely went away entirely. But the fact is, F and I had a great summer romance that was a lot of fun.
However, little niggling issues have the potential to compound into enormous roadblocks, and that was the case here. I don't want to go too much in-depth on this for privacy reasons, but it boiled down to the fact that she'd been single for 5-6 years and I'd been single for 5-6 months, and we were just in different places.
And it wasn't even the cliche of, oh she wants a relationship and I, the lone wolf, am resisting commitment. I thought we were in it for the long haul and we were talking about all sorts of future plans. We just had different ideas about how we were going to get there, so we had a very frank and honest conversation and determined that we could either stay together and intertwine our lives even more, leading to a complicated and messy break up down the road, or we could just end it right away. And so, that's what we did, it's been 2 and a half weeks and we've had zero contact since.
Which led to last Saturday night when I got black-out drunk and invited over a woman who'd messaged me earlier that day on OKC. I have very little memory of it, and it turns out I did some damage to her back door (which she reported with delight). I had no idea we'd taken a ride in the butt boat, though I knew something wild and rambunctious had occurred because my neighbors on both sides of my house contacted me the next morning to say that my partner's screaming had been way over the top. "Sorry!" I said, sheepishly. Took a half hour shower after that and then realized my credit card was missing (probably unrelated; I canceled it and there were no bogus charges on it).
In a few days, I'm scheduled to meet a married woman and her husband at a bar and then take the wife home or out to the car or something. I'd seen her a couple times before I disappeared from the market. Her husband apparently gets off on being emasculated.
And I'm in negotiations with a woman who said she wants a friend-with-benefits arrangement, and it turns out she lives like two blocks from me. That's both good and bad, but I'll have to see wassup with her before I can tell which one.
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he's back!
;D
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I had no idea we'd taken a ride in the butt boat, though I knew something wild and rambunctious had occurred because my neighbors on both sides of my house contacted me the next morning to say that my partner's screaming had been way over the top. "Sorry!" I said, sheepishly. Took a half hour shower after that and then realized my credit card was missing (probably unrelated; I canceled it and there were no bogus charges on it).
I cede any claim I might have ever held to Best Writer on the Forum.
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(http://img.pandawhale.com/96617-taxi-driver-clapping-gif-Rober-MD3l.gif)
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F and I had our 'talk' on a Saturday night, so come Sunday morning I was eager to get into 'bounce back' mode. I re-engaged my OKC profile and I also dropped texts to all of the women I'd suspended back in May.
Married woman replied within like two minutes with a blizzard of texts, and she's the one I'm supposed to steal away from her husband this weekend.
Bartender that is 2-3 inches taller than me replied quickly as well and we went out that night and had a great long night like we'd never even taken a break. She's been unusually cool about giving me space too; I haven't seen her since that night, which is good because she is a horrific scratcher. The next day while getting undressed at the gym, I forgot about my back and when I took off my shirt, several of the guys were very taken aback. I looked in the mirror and it was like Rambo's Vietnam scars in First Blood. There was at least one impressed whistle echoing throughout the locker room that day.
Texted the single mom I met at our kids' baseball game right before embarking on the F train and all she did was reply with "lol". Which I gotta say, I really kinda admired. I replied "ball" but got nothing back.
Two other women I'd hooked up with earlier in the year replied to my text with great anger. One was pretty straight-forward about it. "I thought we were building something, we were sleeping together, and then all of a sudden you just broke it off out of the blue. I don't do that and I don't do guys that do that so bye." I respected that. The other, however, replied with such venom and rage and all caps HOWLING PAIN over the course of about 15 text paragraphs that I could only reply with "I am sorry, I was honest and straight-forward with you, and I'm sorry it hurt you like this" and then blocked her.
Interestingly, I didn't immediately message weirdo Anime girl but then the night that Everything Everything played USMH, I had an extra ticket because my buddy bailed. I texted her out of the blue asking if she wanted to see a cool show and she replied saying she was half a block away. I said "come on over!" and she said she'd be there in 30 minutes, which was good timing since the opener had just finished. However, when she texted to say "Almost there!" I went up and then saw her get out of an Uber, which is puzzling if she's half a block away, but then again, who cares and am I really gonna ask questions when A) I don't actually care, and B) it could make things boner-killingly awkward.
So the show was great and we went home together that night and it was a fantastic as always. However, I also remembered that as amazing as she sounds on paper, in real life her manic magic Asian routine gets very tiresome very quickly. Everything is SOOOOOOOO this and SOOOOOOOOOO that, and when she asks a question or if I'm telling a story, she's super distracted because I know she's just trying to think of what else she should say. I even told her that night that I saw us as a once-a-month thing and she replied with something about pumpkins or some random shit like always.
Anyway, I was kinda sad about F for a couple days, but now I'm reveling in the fact that every morning when I wake up, there's a pretty damn good chance I've got some rando messaging me on OKC or some other woman is asking what I'm doing that night. Hell, I woke up last Saturday morning thinking I had no plans and would just stay home and watch 'Blood Father', which I'd just downloaded. Instead I ended up violating some woman to the point where my neighbors thought for sure a homicide was going down.
Single life has its charm.
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Maybe I'm the weird one, who isn't using this thread as jerk off material . . . But I find all of this to be, disturbing.
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Ehhh whattyagonnado
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I am waiting for the thread to turn into a cautionary tale...
Blood Father sounds fun, did you ever get to it?
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I did watch Blood Father. Look, I know the whole thing of the reformed or retired assassin/warrior/sniper has been done to death, most recently and excellently via John Wick. So Blood Father, I think, tried to innovate by making Mel a very reluctant hero who is constantly complaining about being on parole and his sobriety being threatened. Also, there is a LOT of talking about "I'm sorry for my mistakes" and "you weren't there!" and blah blah brokenfamilycakes. But ultimately, it was entertaining and very tense and even if the daughter is kind of a dingbat, I ended up liking it. I think I gave it a 6/10, which means it was "good".
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were you jerking off with a hand full of blood, as you watched it?
remember, what thread you are in.
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I finally have a Korean girlfriend and not only does she have ZERO knowledge of KPOP, what I've played for her, she hates. It's unreal! It's like dating a porn star that refuses to put out. She doesn't even like 4Minute. Everybody likes 4Minute! How does that happen?
It's been a good month since breaking up with F, I have to say.
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It's unreal! It's like dating a porn star that refuses to put out.
It's like dating a masseuse who refuses to give you a massage!
(http://eclectikrelaxation.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Masseuse.jpg)
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thought of relaxer when I saw this
(http://i952.photobucket.com/albums/ae3/Scroller_bucket/DSCN3061.jpg)
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As much as I fucking hate the Nuge, I gotta admit dude is an inspiration when it comes to ladyfolk.
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I gotta dress up like a lady . . . and just see how well, you really do fuck.
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Ho ho ho! I'm not falling for that whole "I'm on my period, you need to use the backdoor" trick again!
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When walkie and Relaxer get gay married, we'll look back on this comment as the start of it all . . .
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laugh out, loud
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Relaxer, have I found your Reddit account (https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/5f783u/tifu_by_going_on_a_date_with_married_woman_and/)?
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Oh LOL, that is really funny, but no, it's not my account or story, and in fact I haven't been shit on since Clinton's first term.
I realize I haven't updated the thread in awhile, mostly because there haven't been a lot of over the top stories. Since breaking up with F in August (the woman with whom I had a substantive relationship over the summer), I've been serial dating again.
Just about to conclude a relationship with a woman that I met a couple weeks ago. The first week, we went out a couple times and things were great! The second week, we went out twice and it was a little more stilted. We had plans for Sat night but in talking Sat afternoon, we were just bickering and not coming to any agreement on what to do, so we decided to punt on a nighttime activity and instead spend the day Sunday hiking. Turns out she expected me to say "So can I come over and spend the night and then we'll leave in the morning" but instead I made other plans. So yesterday's get-together was a disaster -- we barely spoke to each other and she then said she had to be home early for a work call, and then as I was driving her home, she said "Oh why don't you just drop me off at the gym?" so I did and that was that. It's not my practice to 'ghost' on someone, so at some point I'm going to reach out to say that I don't think we make for a good couple. It was nice to get to know her though and I really did enjoy our first couple dates. I think, however, that our personalities don't sync well.
As for the married women thing, I'll stop sleeping with them if they'll stop sleeping with me. Deal!
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Relaxer, have I found your Reddit account (https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/5f783u/tifu_by_going_on_a_date_with_married_woman_and/)?
holy...shit.
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Relaxer...you are so going to this to give us a scene report
Swipe Right
TINDER LIVE! with LANE MOORE
If you?re a single (or not) millennial, chances are you?ve downloaded (then deleted and re-downloaded) Tinder. A universal staple in today?s dating landscape, most everyone has a story involving the app, be it wild, harrowing, adverse, mediocre, or positive. Here to help navigate the relatively new realm is comedian Lane Moore (The Onion, Girls, Cosmopolitan), whose Tinder Live! extravaganza is filled with ?tips, tricks, and real-time swiping and messaging.? We super like the fact that Moore?s bringing the gut-busting, interactive comedy show to Lincoln Theatre on February 14 (how apropos!), and know you will, too. Make it a V-Day date by buying tickets this Friday at 10am.
TINDER LIVE! with LANE MOORE
@ Lincoln Theatre ? Washington, D.C.
February 14
6:30pm Doors
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If you?re a single (or not) millennial,
The 45-year-old Millennial
(or 46?)
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I'll wear a wig.
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let's see if Relaxer has any game... can you bang her?
https://www.langangen.com/ariane10/dateariane/
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I tried a few times and the best I got was a kiss at the front door because she felt ill from eating hot dogs and then riding a ferris wheel ???
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I got her almost to the bedroom, but she thought my hands were too, handsy.
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felt ill from eating [vegan] hot dogs and then riding a ferris wheel
Story of my life, bro.
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Goddammit I keep playing this stupid thing. Lost track of time and I missed my lunchtime gym appointment. I really need that sexy .gif
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when you go to the gym, how long are you there? I do 2 hours minimum, and no, the majority of that is not spent staring at fucking hot men trying to hardest to come off as the most ripped guy there with their barely anything on gym outfits.
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During the work week, I do a 30 minute crossfit-style class and then 45 minutes of weights or running stairs at the company gym. On weekends, I do a long bike ride, ~40-50 miles, with the last 30 miles of it racing dudes down at Hains Point.
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Goddammit I keep playing this stupid thing. Lost track of time and I missed my lunchtime gym appointment. I really need that sexy .gif
she's a kinky little minx once you get her loosened up a bit.
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Yeah but if you let her drink too much, she passes out and you lose
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God, just like life, ya know?
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Anything new going on in this here thread?
If not, here is this.
http://www.npr.org/sections/parallels/2017/06/26/526004049/video-k-pop-dance-routines-are-a-workout-for-body-and-brain
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I'm still out there, mostly pursuing hook-ups but always open to something more substantive with the right person. I have a few friends-with-benefits, two of which call me Papi. Not sure how I fell into that world, but here we are. Interestingly enough, of the 6-7 women I've dated since the start of the year, not one of them was born in the US. This wasn't intentional or by design, but I'm enjoying it quite a bit.
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I'm still out there, mostly pursuing hook-ups but always open to something more substantive with the right person. I have a few friends-with-benefits, two of which call me Papi. Not sure how I fell into that world, but here we are. Interestingly enough, of the 6-7 women I've dated since the start of the year, not one of them was born in the US. This wasn't intentional or by design, but I'm enjoying it quite a bit.
enjoy it while you can...trump is deporting those leeches
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So you're saying that you can't score any American chicks?
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I'm still out there, mostly pursuing hook-ups but always open to something more substantive with the right person. I have a few friends-with-benefits, two of which call me Papi. Not sure how I fell into that world, but here we are. Interestingly enough, of the 6-7 women I've dated since the start of the year, not one of them was born in the US. This wasn't intentional or by design, but I'm enjoying it quite a bit.
enjoy it while you can...trump is deporting those leeches
Huh? I thought he married two of them?!
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So you're saying that you can't score any American chicks?
Strong take.
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(https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u-TZkH2Tprs/V6JRJ-eyoxI/AAAAAAAAAoE/f3FlwLROM_gyyDAy7lRPqkGAwDwXElxywCLcB/s1600/77-elg.png)
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There's a new playa in town (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/08/10/the-definitive-timeline-of-one-d-c-dudes-attempt-at-a-6-date-night-as-told-by-the-women/?utm_term=.31e3470644bf)
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There's a new playa in town (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/08/10/the-definitive-timeline-of-one-d-c-dudes-attempt-at-a-6-date-night-as-told-by-the-women/?utm_term=.31e3470644bf)
One thing is for sure, that dude's willing to lay it down to anything with a pulse; blacks, muslims, greasy blonde congressional staff... way to go guy!
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There's a new playa in town (https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/08/10/the-definitive-timeline-of-one-d-c-dudes-attempt-at-a-6-date-night-as-told-by-the-women/?utm_term=.31e3470644bf)
One thing is for sure, that dude's willing to lay it down to anything with a pulse; blacks, muslims, greasy blonde congressional staff... way to go guy!
He's probably a 45 year old bald guy.
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greasy blonde congressional staff...
Let's be careful the language we use to describe Julian's Americans, ok?
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He's probably a 45 year old bald guy.
again, let's be careful the language we use to describe Julian's Americans, ok?
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He's probably a 45 year old bald guy.
again, let's be careful the language we use to describe Julian's Americans, ok?
hey...we are members of a protected class you fucking hairy headed bastards
means you are high in estrogen you girly men
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He's probably a 45 year old bald guy.
again, let's be careful the language we use to describe Julian's Americans, ok?
Ok, well played.
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Well I have that guy beat. I'm a 47 year old bald guy. Who's crying sadly now?!?
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what, is your favorite position?
what, is your favorite sex act?
what, is your favorite fetish, that you will admit to openly?
What, is your favorite place to have sex?
Do, you like to make love, or to fuck?
What, is your safe word?
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are you interviewing relaxer for a job?
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More like, a residency.
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what, is your favorite position?
Director of Communications
what, is your favorite sex act?
The woman at that Cambodian bar that poured dish lotion in her toilet area and then blew bubbles at us like a sexy machine gun.
what, is your favorite fetish, that you will admit to openly?
(https://www.virtualdatingassistants.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Weird-Dating-Sites-DiaperMates.jpg)
What, is your favorite place to have sex?
In a vagina.
Do, you like to make love, or to fuck?
I prefer to exchange underwear and then shout obscenities at each other from across the room.
What, is your safe word?
The entirety of Kubla Khan by Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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the diaper thing, may well be, the creepiest fetish, next to double fisting, out there.
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...I don't get Macrophilia
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On behalf of 90% of dudes here:
My girlfriend
WHY ARE YOU SETTLING? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT WILL BECOME OF THIS THREAD?!?!?
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Because she's a 34 year old gorgeous nymphomaniac who has fixed more than a dozen things in my house and often says, hey babe if you need your 'executive time' to go chew and type on the internet, I'll go play Skyrim for awhile, oh and I brought a picnic basket of weed gummies for you. See ya soon!"
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I even gave up my two fuck buddies, although one of them I had to give up because she tried to kill herself and then was in a coma and I haven't heard from her in 4 months.
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I even gave up my two fuck buddies, although one of them I had to give up because she tried to kill herself and then was in a coma and I haven't heard from her in 4 months.
STOP. BURYING. THE. LEDE.