Author Topic: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45  (Read 34531 times)

walk,on,by

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #30 on: February 24, 2016, 03:33:26 pm »
no comment yet from walkonby?   ;D
I assumed, he was, too busy, masturbating, furiously.

mentally, I was.  great, great thread.  I assume this one is going places.  im not sure if I approve of the . . . oh never,mind.

Yada

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #31 on: February 24, 2016, 03:33:36 pm »
There are no "sides" when there are children involved.

I don't know the full story about their marriage, I don't care to know the full story about their marriage and my main interest is the children's best interest.

He may be a terrible husband (and in particular for that woman) but he's an excellent father. 

Is a quality of an excellent father cheating on your children's mother? Just wondering.

P.S. I feel like James Ford right now.

Relaxer

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #32 on: February 24, 2016, 03:40:55 pm »
On my end, this journey begins with the collapse of my marriage. Nothing specific triggered it. There was no infidelity, no huge emotional event, just a widening of a gap that emerged after a few years with her. We did couples therapy, we tried having sex every day, we scheduled frequent and consistent date nights. These would salve our issues for a time, but then we'd return to bickering and arguing and not talking. Finally she decided to move out, perhaps as a temporary fix, break or relief (this is my interpretation and I easily may be incorrect), but I took this opportunity to end the relationship once and for all.

Anyway, once singlehood found me, I began assessing my options. A friend of mine talked about finding hook-up partners on CraigsList, so I took a look at that. Holy shit, what a decadent fuck-swamp that is. Seriously, 99% of the personal ads there involve prostitutes, financial scams, sugar daddy solicitations, and open wounds. However, I hit the 1% lottery by meeting K, a 26 year old African American bodybuilder whose husband neglected her. We exchanged emails for a week and then met, purely platonically of course. She wasn't particularly interesting but her body was magnificent. On our first meeting, she talked about herself non-stop for two hours while I drank glass after glass of Irish whiskey. I think what she really wanted was someone to listen to her, which I had no choice but to do, so finally she stopped talking and within seconds had aggressively initiated action.

For the next few weeks, we met every couple of days (always when my kids were with their mom) and the same routine would apply. She'd talk and talk and never ask anything about me, and then we'd go to bed. It got boring because she'd tell the same stories again and again, but I always kept my eyes on the prize, and our bedroom sessions were astronomical. It's weird being with a woman who can bench more than I can, and I can bench quite a bit.

One night she was going to come over but my ex-wife was being really pushy about what I was doing that night and she said she was going to come over to pick up some things. So I knew hosting was not an option. I happened to have the keys to a neighbors house, who were out of town but returning the next morning. I don't know them well but I figured "Hey, empty house!" So she and I met there and as evil/disgusting as it is, we ended up on their bed with a white comforter. What I did not know was that K was at the end of her monthly beautiful time, and the subsequent mess made my heart pretty much stop. I mean, it was everywhere. And they were due home in 12 hours.

So we scoured their house for stain remover or hydrogen peroxide and finding none, I ran home to get ours. As I was coming out of the bathroom, my ex-wife walks in the door (K had stayed behind at the other house) and immediately says "What's the peroxide for?" I tell her I have an ear ache and that I was going to pour some in there, so I am forced to do that as she makes a show of looking for the "thing" she came to fetch. Finally she leaves, I clean out my ear, and race back. Ten minutes later, we're almost done cleaning the stains (and thanking Christ it wasn't a light blue or yellow comforter) when my phone rings and it's my ex again wanting to know where I went, because she'd returned to the house. I said I went for a walk to clear my head/ear and she was extremely dubious.  

Within a week, K and I were having yet again the conversation about how her husband is an asshole and I finally piped up and told her (nicely) that she should take action rather than just bitch to her secret lover. She took that to heart, unfortunately, and that was the last night we saw each other. I was ok with that, as it was the perfect introduction into becoming single again.
oword

Julian, Semi-Retired WUNDERKIND

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #33 on: February 24, 2016, 03:48:39 pm »
On my end, this journey begins with the collapse of my marriage. Nothing specific triggered it. There was no infidelity, no huge emotional event, just a widening of a gap that emerged after a few years with her. We did couples therapy, we tried having sex every day, we scheduled frequent and consistent date nights. These would salve our issues for a time, but then we'd return to bickering and arguing and not talking. Finally she decided to move out, perhaps as a temporary fix, break or relief (this is my interpretation and I easily may be incorrect), but I took this opportunity to end the relationship once and for all.

Anyway, once singlehood found me, I began assessing my options. A friend of mine talked about finding hook-up partners on CraigsList, so I took a look at that. Holy shit, what a decadent fuck-swamp that is. Seriously, 99% of the personal ads there involve prostitutes, financial scams, sugar daddy solicitations, and open wounds. However, I hit the 1% lottery by meeting K, a 26 year old African American bodybuilder whose husband neglected her. We exchanged emails for a week and then met, purely platonically of course. She wasn't particularly interesting but her body was magnificent. On our first meeting, she talked about herself non-stop for two hours while I drank glass after glass of Irish whiskey. I think what she really wanted was someone to listen to her, which I had no choice but to do, so finally she stopped talking and within seconds had aggressively initiated action.

For the next few weeks, we met every couple of days (always when my kids were with their mom) and the same routine would apply. She'd talk and talk and never ask anything about me, and then we'd go to bed. It got boring because she'd tell the same stories again and again, but I always kept my eyes on the prize, and our bedroom sessions were astronomical. It's weird being with a woman who can bench more than I can, and I can bench quite a bit.

One night she was going to come over but my ex-wife was being really pushy about what I was doing that night and she said she was going to come over to pick up some things. So I knew hosting was not an option. I happened to have the keys to a neighbors house, who were out of town but returning the next morning. I don't know them well but I figured "Hey, empty house!" So she and I met there and as evil/disgusting as it is, we ended up on their bed with a white comforter. What I did not know was that K was at the end of her monthly beautiful time, and the subsequent mess made my heart pretty much stop. I mean, it was everywhere. And they were due home in 12 hours.

So we scoured their house for stain remover or hydrogen peroxide and finding none, I ran home to get ours. As I was coming out of the bathroom, my ex-wife walks in the door (K had stayed behind at the other house) and immediately says "What's the peroxide for?" I tell her I have an ear ache and that I was going to pour some in there, so I am forced to do that as she makes a show of looking for the "thing" she came to fetch. Finally she leaves, I clean out my ear, and race back. Ten minutes later, we're almost done cleaning the stains (and thanking Christ it wasn't a light blue or yellow comforter) when my phone rings and it's my ex again wanting to know where I went, because she'd returned to the house. I said I went for a walk to clear my head/ear and she was extremely dubious.  

Within a week, K and I were having yet again the conversation about how her husband is an asshole and I finally piped up and told her (nicely) that she should take action rather than just bitch to her secret lover. She took that to heart, unfortunately, and that was the last night we saw each other. I was ok with that, as it was the perfect introduction into becoming single again.
Instant Hall Of Fame. No doubt.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2016, 03:56:00 pm by Julian, Authenticated LUXUROPHILE »
LVMH

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #34 on: February 24, 2016, 03:49:44 pm »
man this is getting good...welcome back relaxer

"I clean out my ear"
way to think on your feet.

Personally I don't lie at all to my wife, because without exception, I get caught
so better to take the lumps up front in my case
LAMF

Yada

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #35 on: February 24, 2016, 03:56:59 pm »
EpiQ post, would read again. A+++

saintangelsin

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #36 on: February 24, 2016, 03:59:20 pm »
Relaxer - Holy shit! Not a judgement reaction. Just a reaction. Think I need a cigarette and I don't even smoke.

Sorry to hear about your marriage going to crap. At least you and your ex aren't dragging it out making your kids nuts and miserable. I'm sure the choice you made wasn't an easy one.

As for Craigslist, bad idea. I tried hooking up with this married guy from Craigslist. Well I did once and it was just a bad idea. Ugh. It's still one of those things I think to myself "What the fuck was I thinking?" I should mention, I'm single and 30. He was 30 and married, and with issues. Learned a good lesson in not being desperate when bored. And to realize when a hookup is being horrifically one sided. (He was a greedy asshole) and now I realized I just said some really personal crap on here ha.

I think it's awesome you told this lady to quit bitching and do something about her own shit. But you get serious kudos from me, I'm 30 and can't stand most 25 year olds. Can't imagine being in my early 40's and dealing with a needy 25 year old. (Which now makes me wonder if this is how my one co-worker views me. We don't talk much, but he's 41 and I so had a crush on him last year.)

I want to get married and have a family someday but I guess while I'm doing the whole dating thing for that, I have this sort of stuff to look forward to in 12 - 15 years.

hutch

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #37 on: February 24, 2016, 04:02:27 pm »
There are no "sides" when there are children involved.

I don't know the full story about their marriage, I don't care to know the full story about their marriage and my main interest is the children's best interest.

He may be a terrible husband (and in particular for that woman) but he's an excellent father. 

Is a quality of an excellent father cheating on your children's mother? Just wondering.

P.S. I feel like James Ford right now.

ha! when i read this I was convinced it was James Ford!

Julian, Semi-Retired WUNDERKIND

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #38 on: February 24, 2016, 04:03:28 pm »
I'm single and 30.
Well, hello there. . . Do you come here often? I'm Julian, by the way.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2016, 05:01:44 pm by Julian, Authenticated LUXUROPHILE »
LVMH

hutch

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #39 on: February 24, 2016, 04:06:57 pm »
On my end, this journey begins with the collapse of my marriage. Nothing specific triggered it. There was no infidelity, no huge emotional event, just a widening of a gap that emerged after a few years with her. We did couples therapy, we tried having sex every day, we scheduled frequent and consistent date nights. These would salve our issues for a time, but then we'd return to bickering and arguing and not talking. Finally she decided to move out, perhaps as a temporary fix, break or relief (this is my interpretation and I easily may be incorrect), but I took this opportunity to end the relationship once and for all.

Anyway, once singlehood found me, I began assessing my options. A friend of mine talked about finding hook-up partners on CraigsList, so I took a look at that. Holy shit, what a decadent fuck-swamp that is. Seriously, 99% of the personal ads there involve prostitutes, financial scams, sugar daddy solicitations, and open wounds. However, I hit the 1% lottery by meeting K, a 26 year old African American bodybuilder whose husband neglected her. We exchanged emails for a week and then met, purely platonically of course. She wasn't particularly interesting but her body was magnificent. On our first meeting, she talked about herself non-stop for two hours while I drank glass after glass of Irish whiskey. I think what she really wanted was someone to listen to her, which I had no choice but to do, so finally she stopped talking and within seconds had aggressively initiated action.

For the next few weeks, we met every couple of days (always when my kids were with their mom) and the same routine would apply. She'd talk and talk and never ask anything about me, and then we'd go to bed. It got boring because she'd tell the same stories again and again, but I always kept my eyes on the prize, and our bedroom sessions were astronomical. It's weird being with a woman who can bench more than I can, and I can bench quite a bit.

One night she was going to come over but my ex-wife was being really pushy about what I was doing that night and she said she was going to come over to pick up some things. So I knew hosting was not an option. I happened to have the keys to a neighbors house, who were out of town but returning the next morning. I don't know them well but I figured "Hey, empty house!" So she and I met there and as evil/disgusting as it is, we ended up on their bed with a white comforter. What I did not know was that K was at the end of her monthly beautiful time, and the subsequent mess made my heart pretty much stop. I mean, it was everywhere. And they were due home in 12 hours.

So we scoured their house for stain remover or hydrogen peroxide and finding none, I ran home to get ours. As I was coming out of the bathroom, my ex-wife walks in the door (K had stayed behind at the other house) and immediately says "What's the peroxide for?" I tell her I have an ear ache and that I was going to pour some in there, so I am forced to do that as she makes a show of looking for the "thing" she came to fetch. Finally she leaves, I clean out my ear, and race back. Ten minutes later, we're almost done cleaning the stains (and thanking Christ it wasn't a light blue or yellow comforter) when my phone rings and it's my ex again wanting to know where I went, because she'd returned to the house. I said I went for a walk to clear my head/ear and she was extremely dubious.  

Within a week, K and I were having yet again the conversation about how her husband is an asshole and I finally piped up and told her (nicely) that she should take action rather than just bitch to her secret lover. She took that to heart, unfortunately, and that was the last night we saw each other. I was ok with that, as it was the perfect introduction into becoming single again.
Instant Hall Of Fame. No doubt.

+1

vansmack

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #40 on: February 24, 2016, 04:51:57 pm »
Is a quality of an excellent father cheating on your children's mother? Just wondering.

P.S. I feel like James Ford right now.

That's because it's a very narrow view, breaking down the discussion to the bare minimum a la Rhett.

Obviously, we would all hope for the parental unit to stay together, and in the absence of that, the parents try to work things out between them before something like this happens.  I don't know if that did or did not happen, but I do know the one thing -  he was good in the relationship at taking care of the kids, much better than she was,  hence the second child was probably an attempt at repairing other problems.  And foolish.

As I've gotten older I've met many people who are great spouses but horrible parents or great parents but horrible spouses.  The important thing is you're an adult and can screw your own life up anyway you want, but not the kids lives.  You brought them into this world and it's your responsibility to raise them.  Don't skirt that.

Do I wish he would have reached out to me sooner?  Of course.

Do I wish he would have ended it before moving on? Of course.

But do I want the kids raised in an environment where mommy and daddy are fighting all the time for the next 18 years, married or divorced?  Never, and that's why I'm helping.   
27>34

vansmack

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #41 on: February 24, 2016, 04:53:35 pm »
On my end, this journey begins with the collapse of my marriage.

Wait.  You got divorced/separated and decided to spend that new freedom sleeping with one person who would never shut up over and over again?

Maybe you do need me as a wingman.
27>34

Yada

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #42 on: February 24, 2016, 05:00:07 pm »
Relaxer - Holy shit! Not a judgement reaction. Just a reaction. Think I need a cigarette and I don't even smoke.

Sorry to hear about your marriage going to crap. At least you and your ex aren't dragging it out making your kids nuts and miserable. I'm sure the choice you made wasn't an easy one.

As for Craigslist, bad idea. I tried hooking up with this married guy from Craigslist. Well I did once and it was just a bad idea. Ugh. It's still one of those things I think to myself "What the fuck was I thinking?" I should mention, I'm single and 30. He was 30 and married, and with issues. Learned a good lesson in not being desperate when bored. And to realize when a hookup is being horrifically one sided. (He was a greedy asshole) and now I realized I just said some really personal crap on here ha.

I think it's awesome you told this lady to quit bitching and do something about her own shit. But you get serious kudos from me, I'm 30 and can't stand most 25 year olds. Can't imagine being in my early 40's and dealing with a needy 25 year old. (Which now makes me wonder if this is how my one co-worker views me. We don't talk much, but he's 41 and I so had a crush on him last year.)

I want to get married and have a family someday but I guess while I'm doing the whole dating thing for that, I have this sort of stuff to look forward to in 12 - 15 years.

I smell a board romance... and it ain't the stinky sheets next door to Relaxer's house.

Relaxer

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #43 on: February 24, 2016, 05:26:28 pm »
Thanks everyone.

So my second foray Out There was a return to CraigsList (for some reason, I was still hesitant to enter the Tinder pool). My thinking on what I was looking for was a precarious balance between wanting a substantial, loving relationship, since I felt like I hadn't been in one for years, and just wanting to hook up for sexy times. "I'll let Craig and his List decide for me!" I declared to no one.

My usual CL routine is to start with Strictly Platonic. This might seem counter-intuitive to my goals since it fulfills neither, but I've discovered through research that many women find the Platonic section a more safe place to express themselves and their wants. I have yet to find success with a Platonic ad, but I've come pretty sexily close.

Next I got to 'Women Seeking Men' to see what's in this salad bar of babes. A good percentage of these posts are earnest, though many seem to be either in the 50s and 60s range or in the 25 and younger zone, neither of which I'm interested in. There are occasional solicitations for casual grappling, but they're few and far in between. After getting my fill here, I'll make a quick check into "Misc Romance" but there's usually nothing there at all. As in, no posts whatsoever. I strategically skip over 'Casual Encounters' to check 'Missed Connections' just in the event an old ex or eye-fuck victim placed an ad to catch my eye. Hasn't happened yet, but time is a long line forward!

And then, usually with a weary sigh, I click on 'Casual Encounters.' If you want to see some of the worst of humanity, the most debased of our culture, here is a good place to begin. And I'm just talking about the W4M section! You should see the M4W section or, even more sordid, M4M. No judgement from this guy, who loves and celebrates his gay brothers, but they really get down to business quick there. Ambiguity does not exist in M4M Casual Encounters.

Anyway, Casual Encounters is almost entirely bogus ads. You can spot these quite easily by the mangling of the English language, the 4 pictures in a row that are all identical, the weird spacing where the first paragraph is followed by 8 inches of blank space, the complete disconnect between the age or situation stated in the title and that given in the body of the ad. I mean, these ads must be written by blind typists. They will completely contradict themselves, often within the same sentence. And then there's the ads expressing words and thoughts that have never been publicly uttered by any woman ever. These ads include words and phrases such as pound, gaping, squirter, anonymous anal, glory hole, pegging, unload, and car-date.

However, continue to look and occasionally you'll see one that A) is coherent and expresses an actual human thought, B) lists a part of the DC Metro area that is actually in the DC Metro area, and C) doesn't command you to come over right now, unzip, unload, and then leave. There will also not be a photo. Real women looking for love and/or sex on the Internet do not put their photo on the internet, particularly photos that show their peeled-open insides.

SO! On this fateful day, Craig determined that I meet R, yet another married woman not finding fulfillment at home. R is a lovely, buxom Latina woman who was very shy and demure in our initial internet exchanges. She actually scolded me for suggesting we discuss the logistics of meeting, even though we'd exchanged dozens of emails at this point. So I dropped the subject and was even about to end our discourse when one day, she started sending me pictures. Sexy pictures. Like, an invisible thump from my desk echoes throughout my office as I fail to breathe for 90 seconds. "I must say t'would appear to be on," I remember thinking. And surely it was!

Confident that her interests were as prurient as mine had become, I respectfully but pointedly said I wanted to meet her. She finally agreed. As a mother of five young children, and living in like Germantown or some shit, this was difficult for her but she managed to make it happen. On my end, I was reluctant to use my own house, the memory of the hydrogen peroxide still dribbling out of my ear. So I did what any 45 year old man would do -- I told her to meet me at my parents' house, who were away for the weekend. Of course I did not tell her this was my parent's house because that would be weird. I said it was a friend's house.

So the fateful night arrives. As she comes into the house, she is visibly very nervous. I've had a few drinks to loosen myself up, so I go into 'mellow cool cat' vibe to make her feel at ease, which is successful. I lead her to the living room couch, where she sits right up against the far end. I pour her some wine, and we begin to chat. It's 70% her complaining about her husband, but she's interested in my situation and asks questions. She loosens up. I'm taking a self-deprecating-humor tack with her, and she's eating it up, laughing loudly and often. Then her hand starts landing on my knee as she makes a pertinent point. In my mind, I'm cocking my eyebrow and smirking into a mirror. And then, like a bomb exploding in the house, she just scooches over and lays on a big sloppy smooch. I'm taken aback by the furious haste with which she makes her move, but I'm not in a position to complain.

Within 60 seconds it seems, we're right into action - no foreplay, no murmured smooth-talk, just all up in there. And then this horny little bird begins to sing. And when I say sing, I mean she begins to holler, to screamingly narrate every sensation she is feeling. It is a virtual cacophony of human sexual expression. At first, it's stimulating. "Who's still got it?!?!?" I champion to myself. But it is SO LOUD. And this neighborhood is comprised of attached row houses. Just when I start to realize she sounds like a murder victim, there is an aggressive knocking on the front door. We both freeze, as we're situated about 10 feet from the door. The beating comes again. I'm realizing I have no choice but to at least see who it is. I peek out the side window, and it's their gruff neighbor Dan. He looks disturbed and keeps looking over at the area where I know my parents keep their hide-a-key. If I don't do something right now, Dan is coming in. Having no time for niceties, I answer the door with an afghan covering my shame.

Dan is quite taken aback. Dan knows who I am, which in his mind is the married family man whose parents live in this house. His look of surprise slowly shifts to a sly yeah-buddy smirk. Not knowing what approach to take, for some reason I do the Anthony Weiner Remorseful Mouth and say, with my eyes, "Whattyagonnado." Dan turns and chuckles all the way down my parent's front walk.

R and I return to the couch, and she is immediately Right Back Where She Was. Unfortunately, the condom is not accommodating a deflate-and-then-inflate dynamic, and it's the only one I brought. Sensing defeat, I assume we're done, but she will not be denied and forces the continuation. As soon as the sinful act is finished, and I have removed myself from her, she sees the lonely, unused condom on the floor and FUCKING LOSES HER SHIT. Imagine Sofía Vergara on Modern Family with the rapid fire spanish cursing and you'll get an image.

In the middle of her diatribe, she notices a photo on the wall. It is a photo of me, my ex-wife, and our children, along with my parents. There is a moment, probably lasting 5 seconds, when she is staring at this picture as if watching her family be put to death. She turns to me, she turns back to the photo, I can see a flock of birds flying scatteredly in her brain as she tries, in vain, to put the pieces together. Then she slowly begins to move, each act slow and deliberate, toward her clothes. She dresses with such measured fury that I can only watch in horrific fascination, completely unconcerned about my own vulnerable nudity. Finally she looks at me and speaks.

"You brought me to your own house and came in my pussy. You are a liar and you are evil. I may call the police."

She storms out, and that's the last time I speak to R.

Epilogue: I realize, four days after my parents have returned from their trip, that I neglected to pick up the condom off of the floor. We've never spoken about it.
oword

Yada

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Re: My Journey into Becoming Single Again at Age 45
« Reply #44 on: February 24, 2016, 05:33:58 pm »
Thanks everyone.

So my second foray Out There was a return to CraigsList (for some reason, I was still hesitant to enter the Tinder pool). My thinking on what I was looking for was a precarious balance between wanting a substantial, loving relationship, since I felt like I hadn't been in one for years, and just wanting to hook up for sexy times. "I'll let Craig and his List decide for me!" I declared to no one.

My usual CL routine is to start with Strictly Platonic. This might seem counter-intuitive to my goals since it fulfills neither, but I've discovered through research that many women find the Platonic section a more safe place to express themselves and their wants. I have yet to find success with a Platonic ad, but I've come pretty sexily close.

Next I got to 'Women Seeking Men' to see what's in this salad bar of babes. A good percentage of these posts are earnest, though many seem to be either in the 50s and 60s range or in the 25 and younger zone, neither of which I'm interested in. There are occasional solicitations for casual grappling, but they're few and far in between. After getting my fill here, I'll make a quick check into "Misc Romance" but there's usually nothing there at all. As in, no posts whatsoever. I strategically skip over 'Casual Encounters' to check 'Missed Connections' just in the event an old ex or eye-fuck victim placed an ad to catch my eye. Hasn't happened yet, but time is a long line forward!

And then, usually with a weary sigh, I click on 'Casual Encounters.' If you want to see some of the worst of humanity, the most debased of our culture, here is a good place to begin. And I'm just talking about the W4M section! You should see the M4W section or, even more sordid, M4M. No judgement from this guy, who loves and celebrates his gay brothers, but they really get down to business quick there. Ambiguity does not exist in M4M Casual Encounters.

Anyway, Casual Encounters is almost entirely bogus ads. You can spot these quite easily by the mangling of the English language, the 4 pictures in a row that are all identical, the weird spacing where the first paragraph is followed by 8 inches of blank space, the complete disconnect between the age or situation stated in the title and that given in the body of the ad. I mean, these ads must be written by blind typists. They will completely contradict themselves, often within the same sentence. And then there's the ads expressing words and thoughts that have never been publicly uttered by any woman ever. These ads include words and phrases such as pound, gaping, squirter, anonymous anal, glory hole, pegging, unload, and car-date.

However, continue to look and occasionally you'll see one that A) is coherent and expresses an actual human thought, B) lists a part of the DC Metro area that is actually in the DC Metro area, and C) doesn't command you to come over right now, unzip, unload, and then leave. There will also not be a photo. Real women looking for love and/or sex on the Internet do not put their photo on the internet, particularly photos that show their peeled-open insides.

SO! On this fateful day, Craig determined that I meet R, yet another married woman not finding fulfillment at home. R is a lovely, buxom Latina woman who was very shy and demure in our initial internet exchanges. She actually scolded me for suggesting we discuss the logistics of meeting, even though we'd exchanged dozens of emails at this point. So I dropped the subject and was even about to end our discourse when one day, she started sending me pictures. Sexy pictures. Like, an invisible thump from my desk echoes throughout my office as I fail to breathe for 90 seconds. "I must say t'would appear to be on," I remember thinking. And surely it was!

Confident that her interests were as prurient as mine had become, I respectfully but pointedly said I wanted to meet her. She finally agreed. As a mother of five young children, and living in like Germantown or some shit, this was difficult for her but she managed to make it happen. On my end, I was reluctant to use my own house, the memory of the hydrogen peroxide still dribbling out of my ear. So I did what any 45 year old man would do -- I told her to meet me at my parents' house, who were away for the weekend. Of course I did not tell her this was my parent's house because that would be weird. I said it was a friend's house.

So the fateful night arrives. As she comes into the house, she is visibly very nervous. I've had a few drinks to loosen myself up, so I go into 'mellow cool cat' vibe to make her feel at ease, which is successful. I lead her to the living room couch, where she sits right up against the far end. I pour her some wine, and we begin to chat. It's 70% her complaining about her husband, but she's interested in my situation and asks questions. She loosens up. I'm taking a self-deprecating-humor tack with her, and she's eating it up, laughing loudly and often. Then her hand starts landing on my knee as she makes a pertinent point. In my mind, I'm cocking my eyebrow and smirking into a mirror. And then, like a bomb exploding in the house, she just scooches over and lays on a big sloppy smooch. I'm taken aback by the furious haste with which she makes her move, but I'm not in a position to complain.

Within 60 seconds it seems, we're right into action - no foreplay, no murmured smooth-talk, just all up in there. And then this horny little bird begins to sing. And when I say sing, I mean she begins to holler, to screamingly narrate every sensation she is feeling. It is a virtual cacophony of human sexual expression. At first, it's stimulating. "Who's still got it?!?!?" I champion to myself. But it is SO LOUD. And this neighborhood is comprised of attached row houses. Just when I start to realize she sounds like a murder victim, there is an aggressive knocking on the front door. We both freeze, as we're situated about 10 feet from the door. The beating comes again. I'm realizing I have no choice but to at least see who it is. I peek out the side window, and it's their gruff neighbor Dan. He looks disturbed and keeps looking over at the area where I know my parents keep their hide-a-key. If I don't do something right now, Dan is coming in. Having no time for niceties, I answer the door with an afghan covering my shame.

Dan is quite taken aback. Dan knows who I am, which in his mind is the married family man whose parents live in this house. His look of surprise slowly shifts to a sly yeah-buddy smirk. Not knowing what approach to take, for some reason I do the Anthony Weiner Remorseful Mouth and say, with my eyes, "Whattyagonnado." Dan turns and chuckles all the way down my parent's front walk.

R and I return to the couch, and she is immediately Right Back Where She Was. Unfortunately, the condom is not accommodating a deflate-and-then-inflate dynamic, and it's the only one I brought. Sensing defeat, I assume we're done, but she will not be denied and forces the continuation. As soon as the sinful act is finished, and I have removed myself from her, she sees the lonely, unused condom on the floor and FUCKING LOSES HER SHIT. Imagine Sofía Vergara on Modern Family with the rapid fire spanish cursing and you'll get an image.

In the middle of her diatribe, she notices a photo on the wall. It is a photo of me, my ex-wife, and our children, along with my parents. There is a moment, probably lasting 5 seconds, when she is staring at this picture as if watching her family be put to death. She turns to me, she turns back to the photo, I can see a flock of birds flying scatteredly in her brain as she tries, in vain, to put the pieces together. Then she slowly begins to move, each act slow and deliberate, toward her clothes. She dresses with such measured fury that I can only watch in horrific fascination, completely unconcerned about my own vulnerable nudity. Finally she looks at me and speaks.

"You brought me to your own house and came in my pussy. You are a liar and you are evil. I may call the police."

She storms out, and that's the last time I speak to R.

Epilogue: I realize, four days after my parents have returned from their trip, that I neglected to pick up the condom off of the floor. We've never spoken about it.


I got a boner...I laughed... I cried... amazing!