Originally posted by the sonick:
"You were a Cub!" Murray said.
speaking of the cubs. . .
Baseball's Worst Managers
It pains me to compile this list without the walking, talking humor generator that was former Pirates skipper Lloyd McClendon. He held the top slot for four years, even as the Pirates flailed their way from one 69-win season to the next and Lloyd himself did things like challenge the constitutionality of the balk rule. I miss him like a dog misses its bone, like a sailor misses his underage Laotian wench. I ache. I yearn.
In that spirit, I warmly dedicate this year??s Worst Managers List to Lloyd McClendon. Wherever you go, whatever you do??I??ll be right here waiting for you.
YOU-SUCK THURSDAY: BASEBALL??S WORST MANAGERS 2006
1. DUSTY BAKER, CHICAGO CUBS (last year: 2)
Demerits: Somehow has been able to convince two venerable franchises to buy into his big-papa-bear act and gasp with awe as he steers 94-win talent to 86 victories?Won??t play anyone under the age of 26?Consistently leaves his starters in the game 20 pitches too long?Apparently believes OBP stands for ??organized batting practice??Guys like Tony La Russa approach the late innings like a chess match; Dustbag approaches them like a game of Connect Four.
Mitigating factors: His players apparently consider him a warm, toothpick-chomping cross between their fathers and Samuel L. Jackson?For all his fathead maneuvers, he??s still over 100 games above .500 as a manager, though having Barry Bonds in his totally chemically unenhanced prime might have a bit to do with this. Wait??did I just accidentally de-mitigate the mitigation?
Life expectancy: If the team still finds itself mired in 84-win no man??s land once Wood and Prior get healthy??ETA on that is anywhere between May 15 and March 2014??Baker will finally and beyond-justifiably take the fall. ??And ye children of Chicago shall weep, as ye deliverance is visited upon ye? (1 Corinthians 2:24, or something).
2. RON GARDENHIRE, MINNESOTA TWINS (last year: unranked)
Demerits: Either too thick-witted or too stubborn to inscribe the names of his best hitters at the top of his batting order?Forces his best young arms (Johan Santana, Francisco Liriano) to serve a six-month middle-relief apprenticeship before he allows them to replace clearly inferior starters (Kyle Lohse, Joe Mays) in the rotation?Exits the dugout to parry with the umps about 13 times per week and rarely loses it in an entertaining manner (e.g., by hurling first base into the outfield, by ritualistically committing seppuku in the batter??s box, etc.).
Mitigating factors: Has to make do with the players foisted upon him by the game??s most overrated front office, which ably develops prospects yet seems incapable of finding big-league bats?He??s been asked to subsist on a middle-of-the-order diet of Tony Batista and Rondell White, which is like asking a triathlete to subsist on Sprite and Tootsie Pops.
Life expectancy: When was the last time a Twinkie manager got fired? 1978? Gardenhire??s three division titles buys him some slack, even if he won those titles basically by default in the kitten-weak AL Central.
3. MIKE HARGROVE, SEATTLE MARINERS (last year: 4)
Demerits: Never got enough out of his A-list talent during stints in Cleveland and Baltimore. Here, he can??t even motivate Adrian Beltre to button up his pants before he takes the field, much less run out ground balls?His interpersonal skills might be better suited to a career as an oral hygienist.
Mitigating factors: Had one of the all-time great baseball nicknames, ??the Human Rain Delay,? during his playing days?Arrived in Seattle at a time when the team??s rebuilding-on-the-fly approach took a tragic turn towards duck-and-run territory.
Life expectancy: He??ll be disappeared at exactly 11:45 a.m. PST on Monday, October 2, which will totally ruin his Yom Kippur.
4. BUDDY BELL, KANSAS CITY ROYALS (last year: unranked)
Demerits: Quit his job as Detroit??s skipper a few years back because he ??couldn??t stand the losing,? which calls into question his emotional readiness for this mother of all rebuilding projects?Abuses young starters to the extent that Missouri has called in child-welfare authorities to investigate?Nickname ??Buddy? belies a savage temper that once prompted him to bite off an umpire??s finger during a dispute over a called third strike?Fine, that never happened. But what if it did, man? What if it did?
Mitigating factors: Um, he had a four-game winning streak last year after he took over?Nobody expects the guy to do anything with his players except protect them from catastrophic injury. This would seem to rule out a post-day-game field trip to the water park, much to the chagrin of splash-happy lefty Jeremy Affeldt.
Life expectancy: Either he loses 110 games with this collection of has-beens and never-will bes, or somebody else does. Rumor has it that cheapwad owner David Glass is lobbying for lax immigration laws, just so he can replace Buddy with a non-unionized Mexican doppelganger.
5. BOB MELVIN, ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS (last year: unranked)
Demerits: Like Joe Torre, he??s fiercely loyal to his veteran players. Unlike Joe Torre, his veteran players are ??character guys? like Luis Gonzalez and Craig Counsell?You??d have thought he would have to wait a few years for another chance after cratering in Seattle (93 wins in 2003, 63 in 2004)?The pumas of the Serengeti handle stray gazelles more gently than he handles his middle relievers.
Mitigating factors: Shares a last name, if not common parentage, intellectual bandwidth, or player-evaluation moxie, with Brewers GM Doug Melvin, one of baseball??s top five execs?The organization is still healing from the Baldwin-stupid deal that sent away 17 players for Richie Sexson, who promptly shred his shoulder and fled to Seattle.
Life expectancy: The start of the 2006 season seems to have gone unnoticed in the Valley of the Sun. I??m curious to see what he might do with double-super-prospects like Stephen Drew and Justin Upton, much in the same way that I??m curious to see what Jenny McCarthy might do with a Chekhov monologue.
it still amazes me that tony larussa and joe torre get free passes. . .i mean, of course buddy bell is gonna be listed, he manages the royals. that being said. . dusty baker is indeed the worst manager in baseball.
