I wish I could say that I listen to music for a living, but like everybody else, I still have to pay the bills. I've had a number of occupations over the last ten years. For about a year I worked at as a pit boss assistant at a nearby casino, and there are plenty of tall tales to tell from that experience. That was one of the more memorable jobs in which overhead speakers blared out horrendous pop songs on heavy rotation, moving me to dash for the break room every chance I got, my ears bleeding profusely.
Now I work as a merchandiser for a local bread company. I am required to travel from one grocery store to the next, and although it's a labor-intensive job, it pays well. Lately, however, it's been harder and harder to be blissfully ignorant to the satellite radio that fills every aisle. Recently I had a bizarre encounter with a patron that has made me even more conscious of the store's musical selection. While Celine Dion's number one with a bullet to my head "song" from Titanic ricocheted through the store, a woman came up to me and whispered ever so quietly "Why on Earth do I need to hear this song for the millionth time? It certainly doesn't make me want to buy groceries." I replied by saying they should play Weird Al Yankovich's The Food Album if they want to advance sales, especially if they need to persuade somebody to buy some cans of Spam. Or better yet, why not play "Lost In The Supermarket" by The Clash?
I've become more and more aware of what's on the speakers -- not only at grocery stores, but at public places in general. In the suburbs, it can be downright brutal unless you venture out to the local watering hole and pray that the jukebox selections are acceptable. But think about those songs that really stick inside your skull -- if there's a common thread that unites the performers in question, it's that, besides being boring, their commercial success is due more to gimmickry, heavy promotion, crafty PR and trendiness than inherent quality (isn't that right, Hootie?). In fact these selections make elevator music sound like Beethoven by comparison. Besides that, they generally pander to the lowest common denominator, and stations that still play this stuff can't figure out why their remaining listeners are too half-witted to remember who they listen to when Arbitron calls...
The following selections are the musical equivalent to a rush hour traffic jam with no escape. Several times a week, while touring the grocery stores of Northwest Indiana, I am almost guaranteed to encounter one of these overplayed songs. For the past couple of weeks I've kept track of which ones I heard most frequently. Here are the ones that made the cut.
R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" Not only did Space Jam exploit the Looney Tunes characters for cross-market allure; it also spawned this hokey ballad. R. Kelly not only believes he can fly -- he still believes that he's above the law as far as having sex with underage girls is concerned. I'm sure he thinks about that "every night and day."
Abba's "Dancing Queen" I'm not an active Abba detractor -- their sunny harmonies are as contagious as the plague -- but this song is on every jukebox on the planet, and it's inevitably played by some joker who's had one too many. I also had no idea that I was doing my grocery shopping at Studio 54. I guess the manager wants us to be shakin' our booties while we throw avocados in our carts.
Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" Why can't her heart just stop already? This song should've gone down with Titanic but somehow it lives on, like that blister on the roof of your mouth that you got from drinking too-hot coffee. Go lick a bowl of milk, Celine (she looks more and more feline every day), and please never make another record again. I never want to have to endure this song again.
Matthew Wilder's "Ain't Nothing Gonna Break My Stride" This is actually my least favorite song ever. Why? Anyone with ears can answer that question. It's a three minute self-help message that brings to mind Richard Simmons at his most skull-crushingly jaunty. Perhaps Barney the dinosaur can get away with a song like this, but nobody else has any business recording such rubbish. "Stride" may have a home in the vast wasteland of '80s nostalgia, but that home should've been condemned a long time ago.
Double's "Captain of Her Heart" The soft-rock equivalent of steroids, containing the most monotonous use of a song title in the history of music. It's also number two on my list for the worst songs ever recorded. Yes, it's higher on the list than "Disco Duck", which I am happy to report I have only heard once.
Dexy's Midnight Runners' "Come On Eileen" I really wonder what Eileen thought when she first heard this song. Did she confuse it with The Cure? Did she wonder about the title's sexual subtext? Or perhaps she did the smart thing and used her copy of the record to kill zombies in the backyard, Shaun of the Dead-style.
Lone Star's "Amazed" I'm amazed that nobody has realized that this song is almost a chord-for-chord ripoff of Bryan Adams's "Please Forgive Me", spliced with lyrical bits of McCartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed". If you've gotten through a wedding reception without slow-dancing to this sucker, you're luckier than I am.
Shania Twain's "Man I Feel Like A Woman" Revlon-sponsored country pop at its most shameless. "Man I Feel Like A Woman" makes me feel suicidal, especially when Shania sings about combing her pubic hair and wearing men's underwear, or something along those lines. I feel no attraction to her, or to this turd of a song.
Paul Young's "Every Time You Go Away" Every time this song goes away I feel at peace with the world. However, I can't say that I've always hated this one. When I was six, it made me a bit melancholy when my first "love" moved two towns away. I gave her a Carlton Fisk Red Sox baseball card and then she kissed me. If only it were still that easy.
Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way" Was this ever used for a Burger King ad campaign? It serves no purpose, but sometimes makes me crave a Whopper, so I was wondering.
Sarah McLachlan's "Fallen" Here's another case of an artist trapped in purgatory, doomed to repeat herself over and over using the same tedious chord structures. This one does nothing to distinguish itself from McLachlan's other chart-climbing singles. I actually used to be a fan, especially after I heard Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, but now I just think of how my ex-girlfriend probably listened to this song and decided to dump me. Damn you, Sarah McLachlan! Damn you to hell!
Maroon 5's "This Love" The lead singer belts out lyrics like "I keep her coming every night." Yep, that's what I want to hear while I'm shopping for sour cream and yogurt!
Barenaked Ladies' "One Week" This one is chock full of dated references (LeAnn Rimes, X-Files) and happens to be the worst song they ever recorded. Again, why not play "If I Had A Million Dollars" over and over again?
Paula Cole's "I Don't Want To Wait" Even with the demise of Dawson and company, this still gets played to death, and I always count the seconds 'til it's over. On the bright side, "I Don't Want to Wait" may not be the least tolerable of Cole's songs, simply because it doesn't include the lyrics "I will do the dishes while you go have a beeeeeer", which could be one of the most annoying moments in music history.
Air Supply's "All Out Of Love" Thanks to Todd Solondz's brilliant film Happiness, this song makes me think of Philip Seymour Hoffman and Camryn Manheim slow-dancing in a bar. It also makes me imagine I'm watching an endless loop of long-distance phone service commercials while being anally raped by a pack of rabid squirrels.
-- James Laczkowski
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