Thirteen Musical Melees We'd Like to See Sure, the battle of the bands has been a staple of suburban life for the better part of a quarter-century -- but what about bands engaging in actual fisticuffs over who sounds more like the Buzzcocks and who sounds more like The Captain and Tennille? The longstanding Oasis vs. Blur feud and 50 Cent/Ja Rule beef notwithstanding, there's a real lack of physical confrontation in the musical realm. In the spirit of American Gladiators, Survivor and, erm...Medieval Times, we are proud to present thirteen face-offs we'd like to witness, Kaiju Big Battel style, live on PayPerView.
Radiohead vs. Coldplay An obvious bout in which the kings of British cred take on the kings of British crud. In a battle such as this, instruments are viable weapons, and in that regard the 'Head have a clear advantage: in Jonny Greenwood alone they've got a veritable arsenal (wonky old patch-bay synthesizers, ancient AM radios, an army of guitars), not to mention Thom Yorke's odd monkey dance that easily doubles as retardo kung-fu. Chris Martin and the chaps are clearly outgunned, but they've got that undeniable scrapper spirit that could make this an interesting battle. Gwynnie could be a wildcard here, folks.
Liz Phair vs. Avil Lavigne On paper this might seem like a mismatched affair, but you can't underestimate Avril's mall-friendly chip-on-the-shoulder (the product of countless focus groups). Phair has a clear size advantage (she's got the reach), but something tells us that once Liz tells Lavigne that the Matrix called her a "sk8erbitch", the faux-fur's gonna start flying and Liz might find herself limpin' back to Guyville with a pair of black eyes and a busted up beak.
The Clientele vs. The Ladybug Transistor Labelmates duke it out over which act is the spiffest bunch of folkies to ever grace the hallowed Merge roster. One trots out Simon & Garfunkel, the other the Left Banke. The storm clouds are forming when that bloke out of Clientele produces a copious amount of ganja and the whole crew gets spliffed outta their minds and discusses why Nick Drake's Pink Moon was, in truth, a more complete work than Five Leaves Left.
Matmos vs. Kid 606 The Bay Area would be all aflutter over this skirmish between glitchtronic titans. To even the score, Matmos would allow DJ/Rupture to fight alongside Kid 606, which should prove to be their ultimate undoing. No standard weapons here -- just a pair of PowerBooks each; the first one to properly emulate/process the mating call of the Praying Mantis and incapacitate the other team wins. Rupture's an old hand at this, and his Mac noodlings will have the 'Mos pissing themselves before they can say "Vespertine". Oh, and the losers have to produce the next Björk album, too.
Andrew W.K. vs. Steve Albini In which the king of indie cred takes on the king of party-til-you-puke and gets his scrawny ass whupped so badly that it takes all his royalty money from Bush's Razorblade Suitcase and Page & Plant's No Quarter to pay the staggering hospital bills.
Tom Waits vs. Nick Cave An epic clash that pits Mr. Dark and Mysterious (Cave) against Mr. Drunken and Dour (Waits) for a pack of Lucky Strikes and Anti- Records bragging rights. Old Tom might seem the clear favorite here, but lest we forget, Cave's a wiry sprig, and he'd likely be able to maneuver his lithe frame around Waits's staggering haymaker throws. They'd joust back and forth for the better part of an hour, slightly bruised, white oxfords bloodied, before deciding to sod it and head to the bar for shots of cheap rye and a basket of hot wings.
The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster vs. ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead A fight over who has the longest and, perhaps more importantly, most inane name in indiedom. EMBD are British, so they've got stamina on their side, but Trail of Dead are from Austin, so they've got insanity on their side. The skirmish would last into the wee hours, neither group backing down, each band going round for round; whiskey, tequila, vodka and Jagermeister -- their livers would look like Swiss cheese. Finally, Conrad from Trail of Dead would stab Guy from EMBD with a shard of broken glass while they were pissing, thus ending the contest and clinching a victory (albeit on a technicality) for the Austinian firebrands.
The Darkness vs. Axl Rose The new kings of pantomime metal take on the erstwhile G'N'R frontman in a scrap to determine who gets the coveted opening slot on the Velvet Revolver tour. Darkness's leader uses more Aqua Net than the whole of Twisted Sister, and he'll use it to blind Rose as he pulls his fuchsia spandex over his head. But just as Hawkins believes victory to be in hand, Axl wraps his natty cornrows around his neck like a hydra, squeezing the rock 'n' roll life right out of him. Rose will then remind us that we'll see Chinese Democracy "in stores soon".
Badly Drawn Boy vs. The Sleepy Jackson's Luke Steele Laconic singer/songwriters take their beef into the streets when Steele calls Gough's signature wooly hat "gay". But once outside, they regain their boho cool and decide to collaborate on a concept album about Willow trees and "fluffy stuff".
Aesop Rock vs. Atmosphere The two biggest names in indie hip-hop square off in an old school verbal battle, only to find that they can't really perform under the pressure. They then look at each other and realize that, ironically, this is the very reason that they're the two biggest names in indie hip-hop.
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club vs. The Raveonettes A short and somewhat pointless battle starts when Raveonettes bassist Sharin Foo proclaims herself to be Jesus and Mary Chain's #1 fan. This obviously sends BRMC's Robert Turner into a blind rage, and soon he's revving up his amps in a frenzy of feedback. Not to be outdone, Raveonettes leader Sune Rose Wagner fires up his twin Hiwatts and before you know it the whole lot of them are deaf, and thus have no reason to argue over whose new record sounds most like Psychocandy.
The Rogers Sisters vs. The B52s Get ready for a spastic dance clash as Laura and Jennifer Rogers go one on one with Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson. In a screeching, sprawling catfight that extends from Kate's own private Idaho to Laura's zero point, the girls seem evenly matched. It takes Miyuki Furtado to tip the balance, his slithering bass knocking Kate's beehive askew and taking Fred Schneider "down...down...down."
The Seconds vs. Ex Models It's a Fight Club moment as Zach Lehroff clocks himself repeatedly in an attempt to settle which band does frenetic no-wave punk better. Ex Models win on points, and The Seconds exit the arena screaming "Mommy Mommy Mommy" in fractured, Devo-esque frustration.
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