Has anyone seen what is going on over at TLC these days? There was a time, not far back, when TLC (or The Learning Channel) was home to a bunch of twee, housewifey reality shows like Clean Sweep, While You Were Out, A Wedding Story, and What Not To Wear.
The shows were, for the most part, the type of fare you'd expect to see a fat woman in a housedress vacuuming in front of, for use only as background noise to fill the silence in their heads. They were Bon Bon and Fiddle Faddle shows. Shows to gain weight by.
Lately, TLC has changed their format a bit, and has begun to steer away from the making over of a thirtysomething single mom and pedal towards the voyeuristic. The new Learning Channel is a circus tent, under which freaks of all kinds dance about and coo for the silently sadistic in all of us.
First on the schedule is "The Smallest People in the World." A peek into the lives, the trials, and the tiny triumphs of primordial dwarfs.
Then, hold on to your tootsies, folks: IIIIIIIIt's "Half Man, Full Life." From the TLC website: "Jessie is missing the lower half of his body. But despite his disability, he walks on his hands and uses a wheelchair. But through the years, his arms have taken a heavy pounding."
At eight, enjoy "Little People, Big World," where a ragtag family of dwarves struggle to survive in the big people's world. Reach for the remote, 'cause these little folks can barely reach the sink!
And it goes on: "627 Pound Woman: Jackie's Story," "World's Tallest People," "101 More Things Removed from the Human Body."
Now, I'm all for a freak show - hell, who isn't? - but what I take offense to is taking a good ol' American circus show of human suffering and painting a glaze of family-friendly, inspirational shellac over the whole thing.
From the description for "Little People, Big World": "Parents Matt and Amy Roloff are both little people â?? 4 feet tall â?? but they are determined to succeed in a world that isnâ??t always accepting of differences."
Oh come on. Let's strip away the hugs-and-kisses horseshit and say what the whole thing really is: A glimpse into the lives of those worse of than you. Don't you feel better about yourselves?
So, I'm thinking we need to get together - band together, really - and come up with some show ideas to pitch to TLC for their upcoming season.
930 Productions Presents.
How about:
Pickled Fetus, Productive Life - The daily happenings of Slippy, America's favorite embryo-in-a-jar, as he struggles to pass the California bar exam.
Fused Together, Worlds Apart - The misadventures of Jamal and Jason, two sassy Siamese twins.
Tiny Penis, Ginormous Heart:
Sufferers of the medical condition microphallus gather together and share hugs, hopes, and elaborate accounts of soul-killing humiliation.
Not Clowning Around - The hopeful lives of professional birthday clowns.
Elephant People - Peek in on the play dates of the world's wildest group of multi-cultural neurofibromatosis sufferers.
