Friday fun, we haven't had one in a while....

[mankie]

....so my mate Paddy is driving home from the pub. Suddenly he sees a tree right in front of him so he swerves to the right....there's another right there so he swerves to the left to avoid that one, only to find another one which he avoids. The guards finally stop him and he says, "I don't know  how I managed to avoid all those trees". "Trees?" Says the guard, "That's yer feckin air freshener yer eejit"

[Bags]

So when do we get the friday funny?

[mankie]

Originally posted by Bags:
  So when do we get the friday funny?

Obviously you're it!  :p

[Dandy01]

actually, that cracked up, thanks.  ok, i'm over it.

[markie]

The worst I could find:
 
 Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
 The Father said, Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?
 She replied, Aye, that ye did, Father.
 The Father asked, And be there any wee ones yet?
 She replied, No, not yet, Father.
 The Father said, Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband.
 She replied, Oh, thank ye, Father
 They parted ways.
 
 
 Some years later Father Flaherty ran into Mrs. Donovan as she was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin again.
 The Father asked, Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?
 She replied, Oh, very well, Father!
 The Father asked, And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?
 She replied, Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!
 The Father said, That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?
 She replied, E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle.

[brennser]

An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her
 husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
 
 "Not a chance", says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a
 headache."
 
 "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee -- he won't even
 taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how it worked
 out".
 
 A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things
 went. "Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible, just terrible,
 doctor".
 
 "What happened?" asks the doctor.
 
 "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was
 immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants
 bulging fiercely!!! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time
 ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love
 to me on the tabletop! It was terrible!"
 
 "What was terrible?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
 
 "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be
 able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[mankie]

Mrs. O'Sullivan takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son, Seamus comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that young Seamus is in there already.
 Seamus says, "Dark in here."
 The man says, "Yes, it is."
 Boy - "I have a hurling sliotar (ball)."
 Man - "That's nice."
 Boy - "Want to buy it?"
 Man - "No, thanks."
 Boy - "My dad's outside."
 Man - "OK, how much?"
 Boy - "250 quid"
 In the next few weeks, it happens again that the Seamus and the lover are in the closet together.
 Seamus - "Dark in here."
 Man - "Yes, it is."
 Boy - "I have a hurley (bat)."
 The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
 How much?"
 Boy - "750"
 Man - "Fine."
 A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your hurley,
 let's go outside and practice."
 The boy says, "I can't, I sold my sliotar and my hurley."
 The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
 Boy -"1,000 quid"
 The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
  that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
 They go to the church and the father makes Seamus sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
 The boy says, "Dark in here."
 The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

[markie]

Ummmmmm a triumverate of Irish sex jokes. What were the chances of that happening?
 
 Just to make the quadrilogy:
 
 Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex with a girl." "Who was it, Tommy?" "I cannot tell you father" "Was it Margaret Sullivan? Was it Catherine McKenzie?" "No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay, Tommy, go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers." So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend and co-conspirator Timmy was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Timmy. "Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 2 good leads."

[Bags]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
 
 One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
 
 Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
 
 Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
 
 Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?�?�

[kosmo vinyl]

from the Passion of the Christ  blooper reel
 
 Christ, shackled to a stone, is being scourged by Roman soldiers. Blood runs down his gory back. His pain is palpable.
 
 Jesus: [writhes in pain, hands shaking]
 
 [Cell phone rings.]
 
 Jesus: [hands shake furiously]
 
 [Cell phone rings. Caviezel looks up, sheepish.]
 
 Roman soldier: Jim? That you?
 
 Jesus: Yeah.
 
 [Cell phone rings.]
 
 Soldier: Want me to get it?
 
 Jesus: Yeah.
 
 [Roman soldier gingerly reaches into Caviezel�??s blood-soaked loincloth, pulls out phone and opens it, then holds the phone to Caviezel�??s ear.]
 
 Off Camera: [laughter]
 
 Jesus: Hey, Mom.

[Jaguär]

Mankie, hate to tell you this but your Friday Funnies are late. I got that joke sent to me on Wednesday, St. Patrick's Day.

[mankie]

Originally posted by Jaguär:
  Mankie, hate to tell you this but your Friday Funnies are late. I got that joke sent to me on Wednesday, St. Patrick's Day.

I know ya wallie...you sent it to me!