The Onion: DC edition

[bellenseb]

Area Readers Get the Joke
 
 By Frank Ahrens
 Washington Post Staff Writer
 Thursday, January 18, 2007; D07
 
 
 The Onion, the Gen-X satiric newspaper, is coming to Washington and will partner with The Washington Post, which will print the paper and sell local ads.
 
 The Onion, which also maintains a Web site, will be distributed free in news boxes and by hawkers in Washington beginning the first week in April. The Post will be paid for its business services.
 
 Founded by University of Wisconsin students in 1988, The Onion was launched in Madison and expanded online, gaining a following for its edgy parodies of the news.
 
 For example, The Onion's home page ( http://www.theonion.com) yesterday displayed the following headline and story: "Area Family's Trip to New Hampshire Sparks Rumors of Presidential Bid."
 
 Pop-culture conceits are not spared The Onion's jabs. A headline elsewhere on its home page read: "Garage Orchestra Hands Out Demo at Boston Philharmonic Show."
 
 In addition to its fictional satire, The Onion has an entertainment and listings section called the "A.V. Club" with national and local content.
 
 Washington will be The Onion's 10th city for paper distribution. The Onion, self-described as "America's Finest News Source," claims a national print circulation of 599,000. It says 67 percent of its Web site viewers are between 18 and 44 years old.
 
 "We believe that The Onion will be very well-received among young Washingtonians, and this is a very attractive opportunity for us to provide our advertisers with a new and unique way to reach that attractive young audience," said Christopher Ma, Post Co. vice president in charge of business development.
 
 Ma oversaw the 2003 launch of Express, the free Post Co. tabloid handed out in the Metro system, and said he sees a crossover readership between Express and The Onion.

[HoyaSaxa03]

yeah!!
 
 by the way, he could have picked much better headlines =)

[TheREALHunter]

Now when I'm riding the metro I can just read SmooveB pickup lines directly from the paper to random women instead of having to memorize them  :p

[sweetcell]

so awesome... i drive to work every day, but come april i'm going to have to stop at my local metro station to pick up a copy.
 
 for the past decade, my dream job has been writing for the onion.  finest damn news source indeed.

[SPARX]

Not in the Onion, but should be:
 
 Beat the Crowd to become Illegal
 
 
 Becoming Illegal (From a Maryland resident to his senator)
     The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
     Senate Office Building
     309 Hart
     Washington DC, 20510
 
     Dear Senator Sarbanes,
 
     As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
 
     My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
 
     Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes e very year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
 
     Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.
 
     Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
 
     If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
 
     Your Loyal Constituent,
 
     Pete McGlaughlin

[SPARX]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/meth_addicts_demand_government

[HoyaSaxa03]

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/the_college_i_attend_has_just