12 Possible Theme Songs for the Kerry Presidential Campaign Okay, so John Kerry has a lock on the Democratic nomination. Now the planning of his presidential campaign begins in earnest. Big questions loom for the Massachusetts senator: Who to choose for a running mate? What stance to take on hot issues like gay marriage? What song to pick for a campaign theme song?
While we at Splendid can't answer most of those questions, we do have a bit of advice on potential theme songs. So here you go, Senator Kerry -- just remember us when you're choosing a new Secretary of Rock.
Editor's Note: In the interest of providing equal time to both candidates, if any of you can come up with serious, music-oriented Bush campaign-related list (i.e. not "14 Reason why George W. Bush Sucks) that includes at least 12 entries, we'll consider running it.
Devo's "Smart Patrol/Mr. DNA" Here, we subtly remind Kerry's college-educated base that the opponent can barely get out a coherent sentence...and no one seems to care! Let's tap into that alienated brain-power with attack ads set to a herky-jerk chorus of "We're the smart patrol / nowhere to go / suburban robots that monitor reality / common stock / we work around the clock / we shove the poles in the holes."
Public Enemy's "Welcome to the Terrordome" Can't you just see Kerry scratching and bobbing at the turntable, mouthing that apocalyptic "Welcome to the Terrordome." No? Well, anyway, this worldshaking track from the Bush I days reinforces the idea that none of us are feeling any less paranoid since Dubya took over. There's still plenty of "Lies, scandalizin', basin' / Traits of hate who's celebratin' wit satan?" going on these days, too.
DMZ's "Go to School" Yeah, go ahead, 'cos if Kerry is elected Prez, it'll be free. No loans, no grants, no slinging rich kids' hash at the dining hall. At least that's what he's promising now. Things might change once he's had a shot at remedial math.
Slayer's "Hell Awaits" Just as old-time preachers used the fire and brimstone approach to entice believers to follow them, Kerry could use this blistering speed-metal anthem as a reminder of what four more years of Bush would be like. With lines like "Now I have you deep inside my everlasting grasp" blasting from the loudspeakers, people will be begging to vote for Kerry. Also, the Kerry King/John Kerry connection is nice.
Bob Dylan's "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35" With his droopy eyes and long face, Kerry looks like he begins each day on the campaign trail with half a dozen bong hits. So why not be open about it and do it right? Each rally should have big tables laden with munchies, really wicked lighting, and a big screen TV showing Dazed and Confused.
Beck's "Loser" The latest polls have Kerry ahead of Bush, but we all know that the fickle American voter can change his mind at any moment (like when he's distracted by something shiny). With this in mind, perhaps it's best to have this one in the wings. Al Gore's poll numbers went up when he poked fun at his stiffness, so maybe calling attention to your own bad numbers will actually win you the race.
Pearl Jam's "Better Man" Rather than Bush-bashing, Kerry could take the high road and simply portray himself as the better man in the battle. Alternatively, he could use the lyrics to play up to the cynical vote and portray himself as the lesser of two evils.
J. B. Lenoir's "Vietnam Blues" Legendary bluesman Lenoir sings a mesmerizing account of a young man who, like Kerry, "got his questionnaire" from Uncle Sam and went to Vietnam. The song helpfully points out that "you can hide but you cannot run...", but doesn't say anything about fudged national guard duty or running Alabama senate races from base camp. D'ya ever think we'd be calling the Republican candidate a draft-dodger? Sweet.
The Dils' "Hate the Rich" Actually, this one cuts both ways, what with Kerry being married to the ketchup lady and all, but if you're pissed off about Bush's mortgage-the-future-to-pay-off-my-buddies economic plan, you could do worse than shouting along to this 1980s Cali punk anthem.
A Certain Ratio's "Blown Away" A couple of minutes of cacophonous percussion will remind everyone what a hard-ass Kerry is getting to be, stating that "That status of war led me to find it impossible to suggest I wouldn't want to blow Osama bin Laden's brains out and treat him as an enemy." Earlier he'd offered, in a debate, to strangle the killer of a 5-year-old kid with his own hands...kind of a manly man for a Dem, wouldn't you say?
The Village People's "Macho Man" Yeah, just because Kerry's from a blue state and has blue blood and a nice little trust fund doesn't mean he can't kick ass. He's a shoo-in to carry NYC if he can find a way to work that shirtless construction worker look into his repertoire.
Bobby Conn's "We Come in Peace" If he's elected, Kerry has a lot of repair work to do on the international front, convincing our allies that we're not just WMD-imagining, Arab-hating imperialists. How better to win their trust than with this jaunty theme song which reassures everyone that: "We are your friends / we come in peace / we brought our girls to set you free / no need to run / no need to hide / we only kill our enemies..." They only hate us 'cos they're jealous of our success. Or maybe our "freedom".
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