TWENTY-FIVE
albums
that
should
NOT
have been recorded
by Mike McHone
Just to jump on a bandwagon, I felt the need to write a "list." You know the kindâ??you see 'em on half of the damn magazine covers nowadays, and, Jesus, if it weren't for "lists" VH1 might've gone off the air years ago. But what kind of list would I write? Best Guitarists of All Time? Best Albums of All Time? Best Jon Bon Jovi hair style?
And then it hit me. You see, I love to watch the high and mighty fall on their face. When I heard Roy of Seigfried and Roy got his throat torn open by a big kitty cat, I laughed my white ass off. There is simply nothing finer than to revel in the failure of those who have a seven figure salary. Always remember that, children.
But I love music, I love albums, I love bands. So I decided to combine the two and I turned this out. Think of it as a warning, a little sign post to turn you away from bullshit music.
Think Neil Young's a great songwriter? Well, he is. Sometimes. Think Lou Reed turns out flawless albums? He does . . . When they don't suck.
Now, before everybody starts storming my house with pitchforks and torches, let me explain something. First, these are my opinions. If you really don't think these albums suck, or that the following artists can do no wrong, please, by all means, drop some ducats from your paycheck and listen to 'em. But don't say I didn't warn you. Second, every artist or group who has been in the industry for a long time is going to put out something terrible eventually. It's just the law of the land. Happens to the best of them. If Hendrix didn't decide to gargle on his own puke one night, rest assured he might've wound up here.
And just for clairity, you're not going to find, Britney Spears or Menudo on here. This is a list reserved for the "gods" of music, not Top 40 pop-whores. We understand that Britney and Justin and Avril and who-the-fuck-ever else are going to put out mindless sugarcoated crap. That's what pop music is, after all. This list is for the masters, the designers, the influential forces of music, and some of the potholes they've left in their wake.
So, enough of my yappin' . . . On with the show.
25. Trans
Neil Young (1982)
This was Neil's excursion into techno and industrial music. Some people do consider this to be an innovative album, however it seems that not enough consider it good at all being the fact that it's not even available on CD in the United States. Seems like the Trans got stuck in neutral.
24. Dance Into the Light
Phil Collins (1996)
This yawn-inducing album was released after Phil Collins left Genesis. Now we can see who had the true talent.
23. Calling All Stations
Genesis (1997)
This yawn inducing album was released after Phil Collins left Genesis. Now we can see who had the true talent.
22. Psychoderelict
Pete Townsend (2001)
Bad childhood, screwed up in the head, no one loves me, yadda yadda yadda. The lead character on this concept album is an aging rock star who is sick and tired of putting out crap music, reflecting on how he's wasted his talent. Remember when you wrote "Hope I die before I get old," Pete?
21. Dirty Work
The Rolling Stones (1986)
Contrary to what some people believe, the true decline of the stones began after 1981. Even though tracks like "Miss You" and "Emotional Rescue" were not their, shall we say, strong points, they still proved they could put out some of the best rock-n-roll with 1981's "Tattoo You." Of course, after that album, they released the completely forgettable "Under Cover of the Night" in 1983. Then 1986 came around and they put out "Dirty Work." The only half-way tolerable tune on here is "One Hit to the Body". Although not one of their best songs, it looks like a freakin' masterpiece compared to the other crap on this disc. And what's even more amazing is that Jimmy Page and Tom Waits both appear on this album and couldn't even salvage it from the junk heap. But the scariest thing of all is on the album cover where we see Mick, Keith, Charlie, Ron, and Bill in 80's Day Glow suits! Yep, nothing spells "hard rock" more than Ron Wood in a fuchsia outfit.
20. Tin Machine
Tin Machine (1989)
This was David Bowie's side project. You know it's going to be a good album when Soupy Sales' kids are playing bass and drums in your band. (I'm not making that up.) The cover of John Lennon's "Working Class Hero" is somewhat okay, but when you take into consideration what's going on with the rest of the album, there's just no hope.
As a personal note, I really wanted to like this album. Seriously. David Bowie is one of my favorite artists, and I think Reeves Gabriel is a great guitarist. But no matter how I tried I just couldn't find anything likeable on this disc. It's sad, it really is. I guess Tin Machine was a good idea, but that's what it should've stayed as - an idea that never came to light.
19. Stormbringer
Deep Purple (1974)
And I quote: "Ride the rainbow/ Crack the sky/ Stormbringer coming/ Time to die." Yeah. Mmm-hmmm. Thanks for channeling Michael Moorcock. Now, shut up and play "Smoke on the Water."
This album came out the same year that Gary Gygax started getting our nation's youth to worship Satan. Coincidence? I think not.
18. 18
Moby (2002)
"Dude, Moby's, like, such a genius, dude! He's, like, a modern day, like, composer or something. He's, like, all deep, and stuff."
Sorry, dude, he ain't. Moby broke through in 1999 with the album "Play," and proved three things:
1.) He's very good at covering other people's material.
2.) He's very good at sampling other people's material.
3.) He's very good at taking credit for other people's material.
For all who thought that Moby was electronic music's messiah, this album proved otherwise. Even though there is no doubt that Moby has some talent, even some die hard techno fans would agree that this guy is just a touch over-rated.
But that's what die hard techno fans would say. I say that this Lex Luthor-looking, vegetable-munching, tree-hugging hack needs to be run over with a Buick about five hundred times and thrown off a cliff. But that's just my point of view.
17. Vitalogy
Pearl Jam (1994)
Oddly, this album came out the same year as Paula Abdul's "Vibeology". Scholars are still arguing over which one is better. One thing is clear on this album, and that is Eddie Vedder is depressed, he hates the attention he gets, and he wants to be left alone. And he'll say it over and over again until people listen to him.
16. Trilogy
Frank Sinatra (1980)
This is a three part operatic concept piece. The first part isn't that terrible, but when parts two and three hit . . . Good Lord! This album is the equivalent of eating Taco Bell. Not bad at first, but a few minutes later you find yourself searching for a goddamn toilet. When Ole Blue Eye's starts singing about space and time and life on Mars and how "Uranus is Heaven" (say it out loud), one can't help be reminded of William Shatner doing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."
15. Done With Mirrors
Aerosmith (1984)
Not only is this album bad, but it's a double disappointment, considering the fact that this was supposed to be the "comeback" album for Aerosmith. After vats of alcohol, tons of pot, gallons of pills, mountains of coke, and huge amounts of hatred, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry put aside their differences and reformed the band. After a short exile, rhythm guitarist Brad Whitford rejoined also. This was it! This was the album Aerosmith fans waited for! This was going to be big! This was . . . a piece of shit. Thank Christ Run DMC decided to do a remake of "Walk This Way" otherwise we could've kissed Aerosmith bye-bye. Not that that would've been such a bad thing. The only "mirrors" this was done with were the ones they SNORTED ALL THE COKE OFF OF!!!
14. Shaman
Santana (2002)
Remember when Santana was cool? Yeah . . . Me neither.
13. Van Halen 3
Van Halen (1998)
This album should've been called "Why, Oh Why, Dear God, Didn't We Let Dave Back in the Band?! Why! Why! Why!" One has to feel sorry for Gary Cherone, the third lead singer and innocent bystander in the Dave v.s. Eddie v.s. Sammy crossfire.
Actually, no. Nevermind. Fuck Gary Cherone. He used to sing for Extreme. The bastard got what he deserved.
(An open letter to Eddie Van Halen)
Dear Eddie,
You don't know me, but I was one of your biggest fans. (Stress on the word "was.") Face it, poncho, you were the shit. Other than Hendrix, what other person was so identifiable with the rock guitar other than you? Your opening riff to "Mean Streets" still boggles my mind!!!
But why are you such a control-freak asshole? We know that Dave's a jerk-off and you probably won't work with him again. But come on, dude, Sammy's a nice guy. Bury the hatchet already!!! Just make peace with him, put some beer in your belly and get up on stage and shred!
I just don't like the guy you've become, my little Eddie. Coming from a fan, you really need to pull yourself together. Stop being an ass, m'kay?
Your friend,
Mike McHone
P.S. Although you're a great guitarist, I still say the best thing you ever fingered was Valerie Bertinelli.
12. Invincible
Michael Jackson (2001)
Yet another turd from the Gloved One. What makes this sad album even more sad is that Jackson himself blames the lack in record sales on the record company for not promoting it enough. Sure, Michael, blame everybody but yourself. But then again, what else would we expect from an insane, anorexic, NAMBLA membership card-carrying white chick?
11. Be Here Now
Oasis (1997)
"If the Beatles were around in the 90's they'd be Oasis," once said Noel Gallagher. WHA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! HAAAAA-HAHA HAHAHA! HA AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHA -HAHA HAHA HAHAHA HAHA AHAHAH!!!!! Oh, God, Noel! Stop! Stop! You're killing me! My sides! My sides!
Personally, I would like Noel Gallagher to be more like John Lennon. And by that I mean, I would like a crazed fan to come up to him one night and bust a cap in his hide.
10. The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking
Roger Waters (1984)
It's hard to believe that the same guy that wrote "The Wall" and "Dark Side of the Moon" also turned out this lump of crap. Eric Clapton appears on the album . . . Not that you'd notice it.
The one positive aspect of this album: There's a hot naked chick with an extremly fine ass on the album cover.
9. No World Order
Todd Rundgren (1993)
A post-modern excursion from the same guy that helped produce Meatloaf's "Bat Out Of Hell?" Dude, I'm there!
This album packs as much punch as an 80 year-old woman suffering from Parkinson's Disease. There are actually a few copies of this album for sale on the internet for 75 cents, in case you want to hear it.
8. Having Fun On Stage
Elvis Presely (1974)
Might've been fun on stage but in front of the stereo it was down right horrible! This album features one of the best singers of all time. . . not singing a note!
This album, although marketed as a live album actually has NO MUSIC ON IT WHAT-SO-EVER! It's nothing more than a collection of out-takes from live shows he did in the seventies. Yeah, nothing like hearing the King asking for a glass of water to get you and your loved one in the mood. And, in it's infinite wisdom, the record company thought it best to release not one, but FIVE VOLUMES of this! FIVE FUCKING VOLUMES!!! What's even more depressing (as if it couldn't get any worse) is when you hear Elvis bumble around on stage, you're just reminded of how horrid his last few years were. Really, save yourself the pain, and just enjoy his Sun Records years and remember the man the way he should be remembered.
7. Cut the Crap
The Clash (1985)
Would cutting the crap also include this album? Lyric to the song "Fingerpoppin'": "This here finger ain't got no ring, so it gets to point at anything!" Yeah, whatever. I gotta finger for ya, jackass.
This album is not a Clash album. This is a Joe Strummer solo album with a few members from the Clash to help him out. Mick Jones isn't on here, some dumbass producer had to go fuck up potentially good songs with a cheesy 80's drum machine, and the lyrics are boooooooooooooooooring. But the word "Crap" in the title does suggest what you might be getting in for, so you gotta give props to the band for that at least. And when all else fails, this album could come in quite handy when you run out of toilet paper. Sticking its broken shards in y our rectum is less painful than listening to it.
6. The Funky Headhunter
Hammer (1994)
Understandably, MC Hammer is nothing compared to some of the other artists on here, but we do have to take into account that Hammer, regardless of what you or I might think of him, was one of the key forces in getting rap music into the mainstream. That alone certifies that he's worth something. But when gangsta rap took over, Hammer revamped his image and put out this junk. Watching Hammer swap his shiny, over-sized pants for some gold chains and pretending to be a bad ass was hilarious! It was kind of like watching Mr. Rodgers in a boxing match.
5. The Life of Chris Gaines
Garth Brooks (1999)
A country star decides to take a Andy Kaufman-like personality trip and pretends to be someone else for an entire album. This was supposed to be the album that certified Garth Brooks as the greatest single entertainer since Elvis. (Okay, you can stop laughing.) Gee, Garth . . . Nice wig, partner. I hope your friends in low places won't beat your pretty face too horribly after this.
4. Music From the Elder
KISS (1981)
You either love KISS, or you hate 'em. And even though they have many people who adore them, most KISS fans agree that the band has made some absolute feco-fests. And this one was the worst. Period.
The concept is flimsy, the music is dreadful . . . However, we do have to give credit where credit is due. KISS admits that this was a road that they should not have attempted to go down. It was also stated somewhere that when Ace Frehley heard a copy of the album, he smashed it!
This also, sadly enough, is drummer Eric Carr's first album recorded with KISS. Can you imagine how the poor bastard felt when he finally became a member of one of his favorite bands, and ended up turning this out!?
3. Tarkus
Emerson, Lake and Palmer (1971)
Let's see. . . A concept album about a shape shifting toy that looks like a cross between an armadillo and a tank that battles a half scorpion/half lion toy for the fate of planet Earth. . . The music is like Bach played with jazz chord progressions, in odd time signatures, through a Moog synthesizer. . . Some of the titles of the songs are "Aquatarkus" and "Manticore" . . . Hmmm. . . Come to think of it, I see nothing wrong with this album. Never mind!
2. Metal Machine Music
Lou Reed (1975)
Wow . . . Uh . . . Yeah . . . Nice record, Lou. Now, uh, could you tell us just what in the hell you were thinking?!
This album, believe it or not, was so terrible that the record company actually sent apology notices out to all of the record stores that carried it. (I'm not making that up.) The "music" (and I use that term lightly) is nothing but guitar feedbac . . . and stuff breaking. . . and guitar feedback. . . and, uh, stuff breaking. A few years after Reed's monstrous Transformer album, the record company hounded him for another. Supposedly, in an act of protest (or perhaps from staying up all night smoking crank with Jim Thirlwell), Reed gave them this. Standing up for his artistic right is what kept this out of the number one spot. Reed is, was, and always will be the type of performer that will inspire you one second and piss you off the next. And no one knows that better than Lou himself. But there's a fine line between genius and stupidity, and all too often, as you can tell by this list, even the best of the best tend to forget which side of the line they're supposed to be on.
Even people who worship Lou Reed hate this album. And even people who claim to like this album have only heard once!
Imagine yourself sitting in a dentist's chair and having a drill in your mouth, without novacaine, with rusty nails being driven into your fingers, with an insane circus clown honking a horn in your ear while throwing pies in your face for hours and hours and hours . . . That feeling, is this album.
Some people consider this to be a great avant-garde masterpiece. But, then again, some people are fucking stupid.
And the winner is. . .
1. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band
Soundtrack (1978)
(Note: This is NOT the Beatles album. This is the 'soundtrack' to the film based on the album. The Beatles, in no way, shape, or form appear on this album. So, relax, okay!)
Jesus . . . H . . . Christ. Where does one begin? Could it be Barry Gibb's testicle crunching voice? Could it be the fact that Peter Frampton was asked to play a lead role? Could it be that Steve Martin sang a version of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer"? Could it be that George Burns moaned and groaned his way through a version of "Fixing a Hole?"
It could be any one of those! And more!!!
Whoever thought it would be a good idea to have the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton sing Beatles songs should've been shot in the head, set on fire, cornholed with mallet, and decapitated. Good God, how can you get past this stinking piece of shit?! Not even contributions from Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, Jeff Beck and Billy Preston made this "thing" worth listening to. Yes, there's the cover of "Come Together" by Aerosmith, but, let's face it, even though it's not bad, it doesn't compare to the original, and when it's buried in with all of this other dreck it's not tolerable at all!
Before its release, RCA Records shipped over 500,000 copies of it, certifying it a gold record. But after so many complaints, and after so many people returned it to the stores, the recording industry actually asked RCA to give the certification back!
Even though this album is horrid, I believe that it is the fallout from it that just cap it all off nicely. This album probably helped destroy more musician's careers in music history. Think about it: The Bee Gees lost alomst all credibility after this, Peter Frampton had to pack up his talking guitar, Earth, Wind, and Fire fell off the charts as did Billy Preston, Jeff Beck only had one really good album since then, and Alice Cooper went without a hit song or album for nearly eleven years!
It was this album, and the film from which it was taken, that helped drive a stake through the heart of the film musical for a long, long time. Add that to the fact that they tarnished what is considered to be the first concept album of all time, one of the best albums ever made, and the name of the best rock band in history. And that, my friends, is why it's ranked numero uno as the Worst Album from the Best Artists.
(Dis)honorable Mention: St. Anger
Metallica (2003)
I didn't use any clip art of the new album because I'm in fear of being sued by the band. In fact, I'm crapping myself for even mentioning their name. But this album is so friggin' terrible that it has to be said.
You see, kids, back in a mythical land known as the 80's, Metallica was actually a "band" before they became the "Corporate Lawyer Bitches." And to think back to how cool they were, to how goddamn magnificent their albums were. . . That's why this album makes me hang my head. This album sounds like "new" Metallica trying to sound like "old" Metallica. Don't let Entertainment Weekly or any of the dipshits at Rolling Stone fool ya, my babies. This is NOT a good album. What this is, is a document, an audio recording of a bunch of ex-alcoholics staring down the barrel of their mid-forties wondering where in the hell their coolness went. Ever since 1995, the 'Tallica boys have stated over and over again that they never forgot their headbanging roots, but with this offering, they claimed to have "returned" to their headbanging roots.
Sorry, fellas. Can't return to something you claimed not to get away from in the first place. From my point of view, this album should be handed to every band who has just received their record contract as evidence of what not to turn into in your later years. Sorry to say it, folks, but it looks like Cliff Burton turned out to be the luckiest one of the bunch.
