Figure skating must be the only sport where one competitor can hire a couple goons to break another competitor's leg, and you have more sympathy for the cunt who hired the goons. . .
I guess figure skating is probably the Olympic Sport that comes closest to matching the limited appeal of NASCAR. . .just as one slumbers through the droning *vroom vroom* of stock car racing in the hope there will be a fiery crash and a new hillbilly driver is sainted in the Church of NASCAR, the only appeal of figure skating is when one of the showgirls crashes to the ice and starts crying like a baby. . .and Michelle Kwan is the all-time Olympic champion of ass-landing. . .they should give her a special Lifetime Achievement Award. . .a Gold Medal. . .a Gold Medal shaped like a piece of cracked ice.
Kwan's performance (Kwan means "stumble" in Chinese) this time around was especially memorable. . .she didn't even make it to the actual competition. . .she landed on her butt two or three times in practice, started crying, then spent the whole night imagining yet another humiliation in the finals. . .no doubt she once more heard the laughter of the entire world ringing in her ears, so she bagged it. . .what a spoil sport, depriving the world of another crybaby Olympic Moment.
Her excuse this time around was really creative: She said the long plane ride to Italy, and then the *strenuous* march in the Opening Ceremony left her with a severe groin injury. . .ha ha ha. . .sitting and walking proved too much for this well-conditioned *athlete.*
Kwan was one of those special breed of athletes who never accomplish anything except hanging around forever, always losing. . .but they get the curious notion that just because they have lost so many times, they now deserve to win.
Kwan will now probably sign on with the Ice Capades or whatever that shit is called, and their private jet will crash on an ice-covered runway. . .
