Lighten up everyone - here is some funny stuff.

[G.Love]

Hey everyone, No need to be  mad .
 
 It seems that this crowd could use a  smile.

Bilge-Tek, Inc.

[SPARX]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
 
 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
 
 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 
 A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer, please, and one for the road."
 
 Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
 
 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
 "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "
 "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
 "Is it common?"
 "It's not unusual."
 
 Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
 "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
 "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
 
 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
 
 Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
 
 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
 cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
 "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
 "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
 "No, because he's really heavy."
 
 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
 
 I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No bet. The steaks are too high."
 
 A man awoke in the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
 The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms."
 
 I went to a seafood disco rave last week...and pulled a mussel.
 
 A man walks into a doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
 "It's...um...well...I have five penises," replies the man.
 "Blimey!" says the doctor. "How do your trousers fit?"
 "Like a glove."
 
 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
 
 Did you hear about the Insomniac Dyslexic Agnostic? He lay awake all night wondering about dog.

[G.Love]

Thanks Sparx. Some of those were laugh out loud funny and now my co-workers are looking at me funny!

[SPARX]

Originally posted by G.Love:
  Thanks Sparx. Some of those were laugh out loud funny and now my co-workers are looking at me funny!

You're welcome.Here's another that just showed up in my inbox:                                                                                               A young woman was so depressed that she wanted to end her life by jumping off of a bridge and
 throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
 
 The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
 
 Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
 
 "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
 
 "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
 
 "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[SPARX]

Subject:Questions that Need Answers
 
 > >Can you cry under water?
 > >
 > >How important does a person have to be before being considered
 > >assassinated instead of just murdered?
 > >
 > >If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
 > >
 > >Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
 > >
 > >Why do you have to "put your two cents in". . .  but it's only a "penny"
 > >for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?
 > >
 > >Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
 > >buried in for eternity?
 > >
 > >Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
 > >
 > >What did cured ham actually have?
 > >
 > >How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
 > >it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
 > >
 > >Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
 > >babies wake up like every two hours?
 > >
 > >If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
 > >
 > >If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
 > >
 > >Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
 > >
 > >Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
 > >binoculars to look at things on the ground?
 > >
 > >How come we choose from just two people for President and
 > >fifty for Miss America?
 > >
 > >Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're
 > >going to see you naked anyway.
 > >
 > >If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
 > >
 > >and finally . . .
 
 > >Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Bilge-Tek, Inc.

[Jaguär]

Originally posted by SPARX:
  How important does a person have to be before being considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
 

I've often wondered about the real difference between these two.

[Jaguär]

GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN
 >
 > 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
 > bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
 >
 > 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
 > section in a swimming pool?
 >
 > 3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
 > Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
 > Tennessee Titans?
 >
 > 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
 > enjoys it?
 >
 > 5. There are three religious truths:
 > a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
 > b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
 > faith.
 > c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
 >
 > 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
 > called Holes?
 >
 > 7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
 >
 > 8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 >
 >
 > 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
 > to begin with?
 >
 > 10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
 > drives a racecar is not called a racist?
 >
 > 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
 >
 > 12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
 that
 > electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
 > deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
 >
 > 13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
 >
 > 14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
 >
 > 15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
 >
 > 16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
 more
 > as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their
 final
 > exam.
 >
 > 17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
 > and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
 >
 >
 > 18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
 we
 > supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
 the
 > postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
 mail?
 >
 > 19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
 the
 > others here for?
 >
 > 20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 >
 > 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
 >
 > 22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
 >
 > 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[CinSULaxChCk]

Thanks for all the laughs guys! Some of those jokes are just too funny   :p

[mankie]

Why do bath towels get dirty if you only ever use them when you're absolutely spotless clean?
 
 Why is there braile at drive-thru ATM's?
 
 What's the point in ordering a big Mac value meal, supersized...and a DIET coke?
 
 Mick and Paddy emmigrate to Canada, as they get off the ship they see a sign, "Tree Fellers Wanted"..."What a shame" says Mick, "There's only two of us, I told you we should've brought Seamus"

[mankie]

A man staying at a hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a nearby phonebox. Back at the hotel he rings the number and a lady with a silky soft voice asks is she can be of assistance. The guy says he wants a blow job + regular + doggie + some bondage, then asks her "what do you think?" The lady says, "That sounds really good but if you press 9 first you'll get an outside line."

[eltee]

Questions that need answers cont.:
 
 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
 
 
 Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm  gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
 
 Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
 
 Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?  
 
 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
 
 Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
 
 If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
 
 Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is?
 
 Why does your Obstetrician, Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
 
 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!
 
 What do you call male ballerinas?
 
 If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
 
 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 
 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?  
 
 If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
 
 Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
 
 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
 Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
 
 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets  mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
 
 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[Jaguär]

I would like to know that if a monk who has taken a vow of silence talks in his sleep, is it considered breaking his vow?

[SPARX]

Originally posted by Jaguär:
  I would like to know that if a monk who has taken a vow of silence talks in his sleep, is it considered breaking his vow?

Not sure,but if a tree falls in the woods and nobody's around to hear it,does it still make a sound?      :p