While trying to find some inkling of set times for the fest I ran across this gem: What to wear? Where to pee? Some concert tips for adults
My, concertgoers sure have changed.
Last weekend I braved my first daylong music event of the summer, and I'm still amazed I escaped bruise-free. This year's HFStival, sponsored by a local radio station, marks the first time I've ever left a concert feeling really â?¦ well, old. And weak. And embarrassingly out of touch with America's youth.
The lineup should've been my first clue: It teemed with teen-friendly testoste-rockers, including Cypress Hill, Papa Roach, The Offspring and P.O.D. The evening's headliner (my main attraction), The Cure, apparently didn't deter thousands of aggressive, shirtless, angry young men from crashing the gates.
But hey, don't let Generation Y spoil your summer plans. If you're an over-21-year-old who plans to attend any major rock 'n' roll event in the coming months, you may want to peruse these tips before you go:
1. Take your vitamins. If you'll be attending an outdoor concert, prepare to face several suspicious meats, gelatinous cheeses and enough high-fructose corn syrup to fill the neighborhood pool. What passed for a "food tent" at the HFStival could've doubled as part of the Fear Factor set. Before you leave home, down a healthy meal and consider stashing some nutrition bars down your pants.
2. Watch what you wear. In a nutshell, don't put on anything you won't mind getting muddy, bloody, stolen, ripped or soaked with sweat and rain. Even the performers at the HFStival looked half-dead by sundown (and I'm not just talking about my pal Robert Smith, who appears this way regardless).
3. Arrive fashionably late. Although gates at the HFStival opened at 10 a.m., the first band I wanted to see wasn't scheduled until 3 p.m. Memorize the lineup so you're not forced to loiter in the heat any longer than you have to.
4. Your American Express card? Leave home without it. Most, if not all, vendors at the HFStival only accepted cash. Remember to visit the ATM machine before you get there; chances are, any ATMs at the venue will go dry within minutes.
5. Bring your own bathroom. Where there's only one portable toilet per 1,000 people, it's not long before Charmin becomes a hot commodity. Don't be afraid to smuggle a few squares from home, along with plenty of aspirin, bandages, earplugs, feminine products, hand sanitizer and the like. Another tip: If at all possible, stake out an indoor bathroom. At the HFStival, pretty much anyone could've snuck into the "media room" and used its better-than-average lavatories. Trust me, I know.
6. Know the laws of the lawn. While it may have been cool to tote your blanket and Igloo cooler to Steely Dan in '74, in 2004 it's a crime. Backpacks, blankets, cameras, food and umbrellas are almost always on the "must be confiscated" list. Unfortunately, bikini tops, Skoal canisters and shirts that say, "(Expletive) off, you (expletive)-ing (expletive)!" didn't seem to be a problem at the festival I attended.
7. Do some research. I felt like maiming the crazy kids who left before The Cure performed â?? of course, the young fellow who heard me ask, "Who on earth is The Living End?" may have felt pretty peeved, too. Just because you haven't heard of a band doesn't mean they suck. Before the show, read up and sample the unfamiliar acts. It'll make you feel like less of an idiot ... and sometimes give you something new to look forward to.
8. Hydrate! I can't tell you how many folks I saw being carried to the first-aid area because of heat exhaustion. At least we adults should have the sense not to drink beer all day. (Or at least keep a bottle of Aquafina in one hand, Miller Lite in the other.)
9. Please, on all that is holy, don't look for love. Events like this are not the greatest places to forge love connections, and that's not just because many attendees are underage. By about 7 p.m., I spotted several girls crying by the soft-pretzel line â?¦ possibly because their boyfriends had either abandoned them or cozied up to someone else.
10. Don't look for a fight, either. Last weekend I was cursed, groped and shoved out of the way â?? and that was just for walking too slowly to the frozen lemonade stand! Think twice before you argue with hot, hungry, mosh-happy concertgoers. There's a good chance they'll respond unkindly. Which leads me to my next tip â?¦
11. Avoid "the pit." What we used to call "slam dancing" or "moshing" is apparently now known as "removing your belt, whipping your undershirt over your head and beating the crap out of strangers." I've seen many pits in my time, but none as terrifying as what I witnessed last weekend. If you don't want to be a part of it, avoid the front of the crowd. Better yet, sit in the stands, if possible.
12. Save your voice. Try not to sing along with the band unless instructed. And don't waste your time screaming for the band's big hit â?? nine times out of 10, it's already on the set list. (In related news, I also noticed it's no longer customary to hoist a lighter during ballads, either. At a 90-degree stadium show, I guess it's a good idea not to give off any more heat than you have to.)
13. Consider staying home. The main reason I attended last weekend's festivities was to see The Cure, a group I figured may never come my way again. Two days after the HFStival, The Cure announced another local show, this time at a better venue with better bands.
While there's no shame in attending a concert where the average age is 17, there's no shame in selling your tickets on eBay, either. Whatever you choose, I hope you have a great time. And don't forget to wear plenty of sunscreen.
