The Armchair Guide To Enjoying Euro 2004
Friday May 21 2004
By Tim Lunn
Every other summer the English nation is swept up in a tide of football euphoria - of St George's flags, hangovers and singing songs with only one word (Inger-lund). This year it will be no different
For a few short weeks this June (we have to assume we won't make July), this country's obsession with the game will again take centre stage as all eyes descend on the shores of Portugal. The estimated 65,000 England fans that travel next month will hopefully create a friendly, party atmosphere for a tournament that continues to work tirelessly to avoid trouble.
Many supporters back here may well cast an envious glance at those heading to the Algarve, wishing for a couple of weeks of sun-soaked footy abroad themselves.
However, here at F365, we have put together a guide to this summerâ??s tournament for the armchair fans back home, in the hope that it may give your Euro 2004 experience that extra touch of class.
1) Choose your 'mates'.
This involves selecting a small group of friends who will be your tournament 'team'. These must be a handful of close, football-loving, booze-swilling mates who would happily garrotte their girlfriends if they thought it would help England win a penalty shoot-out.
This group is in place for the following reasons: -
Unity: Only these guys can offer the support, understanding and honesty required during the tournament. Family and girlfriends need not apply.
Protection: Be it pint, bar stool or honour, these brothers in arms will defend you to the hilt. Especially useful during half-time bar rushes.
Respect: A key ingredient. Vital during those heated late night 'debates' regarding whether Sol Campbell could ever be a true Gooner, or if Ian Holloway is, in fact, clinically insane.
It is perfectly acceptable for others to temporarily join the group in watching certain games at the pub or at home. However, at no time are they allowed to invoke membership of the group, or question any of its central beliefs i.e. the hopelessness of Heskey, the questionable masculinity of the Inzaghi brothers or the blind hatred for Oliver Kahn. This can seriously damage team morale.
One word of warning - avoid any potential members who have young children, don't laugh at the Scots or drink before midday - their commitment is in serious question.
2) Choose the venue
Arguably the most important decision of the tournament, any failures at this stage can have a disastrous effect on team morale (see above), self-belief and viewing pleasure. Much time, effort and planning is required.
i) Public House
Scope out your locals with this criteria...
a) Number of games shown
b) Number and size of TV screens
c) Range and quality of beer
d) Restricted view dangers
e) Number of St. George's flags
f) Policy on plastic pint glasses
ii) Private House
Your house or a mate's on this criteria...
a) Size of TV
b) Size of fridge (No. of beers that can fit in it)
c) % chance of match interruptions (NOTE: this is worked out by a simple formula involving the number of females in the house and amount of rubbish on the floor).
d) Distance to closest takeaway and/or BBQ facilities
e) Smoking policy (for defeated Marlboro/victorious cigar moments)
3) Make sure you're available
Having chosen your venue, it is crucially important to make sure you can watch as many games as possible. This involves adhering to one strict rule: Non-committal. Any social events, family gatherings, anniversaries or dying relatives must be met with a simple, yet courteous 'Iâ??d love to come, but Iâ??ve a prior engagement'.
Equally, you must double check that you didnâ??t already commit to something months ago. Unaware that young Jimmyâ??s choir recital actually fell on the day the Czechs played Latvia, explaining to a tearful youngster the significance of seeing Marian Pahars' international return may make you seem a touch uncaring. Go figure.
However, any unbreakable engagement may bring about serious questions regarding your commitment to the 'team'. Splits in the camp, especially during the early group stages, do not bode well for when the pressure increases during the quarter/semi-finals.
4a) Long-term availability: Holidays
One way in which to ensure long-term tournament availability is to take a break altogether. Forget those big-match hangovers at work - a life of mid-day fry-ups and chilling afternoons awaits the more discerning footy fan. The only dilemma is when to take your holiday, with the group stage offering a game a day and the knock-out stages arguably the best matches.
The joy of getting first seats down the local for every game cannot be dismissed - telling the missus you wonâ??t be taking her away this summer is another thing entirely.
4b) Long-term availability: Sick leave
Another form of paid holidays, the only problem being the moral dilemma involved...
If this is to be done with award-winning precision, there are a number of Do's and Do notâ??s which must be adhered to.
DO
- Calculate the amount of sick days you have left this year and compare against the Euro 2004 fixture list.
- Choose your top three games/days.
- Choose an illness: food poisoning/flu are the best short-term solutions.
- Discreetly mention feeling 'under the weather' the week before the tournament.
- Strategically place Gaviscon/Halls Soothers on your desk whenever the boss is around.
- When phoning in, speak slowly, take huge pauses and 'forget' what you were saying. This indicates delayed reactions and temporary delirium: great for throwing your boss off the scent of manufactured bullsh1te
DONâ??T
- Pretend to be ill for four weeks.
- Do it for every England group game.
- Fake anything that's broken, swelled up or terminal.
- Talk about the footy, very loudly, everyday, to everyone.
- Have â??The Great Escapeâ?? as the ringtone on your mobile.
- Call in sick after watching the Germans lose - joy isnâ??t easily hidden.
5) Get a Fantasy Team
No, this isnâ??t your favourite Page 3 girls in footy kits, but a Euro 2004 Dream Team league. Always good for a laugh and a cheeky bet with your mates - set a mini-league up with your 'team', give your side a suitable nickname (i.e. Monkeynuts United, Big Ronâ??s lazy ****** army) and off you go.
This adds extra spice to the less exciting group games and, once England are out, gives you at least some active interest in the semi-finals.
Never underestimate the competitive nature of your teammates, and, if victorious, remind them every day for the next two years.
6) Get your Supplies
So, youâ??re ready. Youâ??ve got the team, the place, the freedom and the extra incentive. The last and final part to this masterpiece is simply the supplies.
Four weeks' worth of snacks, pizza, animal carcasses, BBQ coals, crates of ales, beer hats and anything else that advocates obesity must be rolled out of your local Netto at the earliest convenience. 'If in doubt, buy three', has always worked as my pre-tournament-munchies-preparation motto.
The last thing you need is a dry house on cup final night, a lack of Flaming Hot Monster Munch after a two-day diet of Stella or a cellar bereft of Red Bull when another thrilling Italian defensive display goes into extra-time...
All these things, a bit of Owen magic, some trademark Beckham, and a dominant Gerrard might just make Euro 2004 something very special for the armchair England faithful.
If not, well, thereâ??s always the armchair World Cup...
