Running diary: MTV After Hours
So, I played hookie today and it rained. Great. So I was stuck inside watching the tele and TiVo taped MTV??s 3-6 AM show called "After Hours." 3 whole hours of videos ?? who knew MTV still played videos?! This has to be good.
So the show opens with a commercial about how MTV doesn??t play videos anymore. Gee thanks for playing videos, even if it is from 3-6 AM when all of us are up watching videos!
So apparently only black people are up at 3 AM because the first 4 videos have been hip hop and R&B artists. BTW, for those that aren??t hip to the general format of hip-hop and R&B artists these days, you have to be a one name female singer or a rapper with another rapper backing you up for any sort of legitimacy.
Monica, Mya, Pharell Williams with Jay-Z, 50 Cent with a posse of 20 people (not one of which is eminem ?? hmmm.) ?? all the chicks are in brightly lit areas and wearing little clothing. All the rappers are in throwback sports clothes and surround by their posse and scantily clad chicks dancing around them. ZZZzzzzzz - no artistic value whatsoever.
Hey, a white persons video ?? Metallica's "St. Anger." Apparently Metallica have stopped fighting their fans and put out a new video. Because all of their fans now hate them, they shot the video in San Quinten Federal prison where I??m sure nobody has heard about their fight with their fans. Of course, if one has, this could get ugly. The video opens with a guard explaining to Metallica that the prison has a no hostage policy ?? if they are taken hostage by the prisoners, the State (this being CA) will not negotiate the release of a prisoner for their release. We can only hope they??re taken hostage.
Apparently getting a tattoo and looking like thatguy is the only way to get into prison these days because that??s what every prisoner looks like. Not too many tall skinny clean cut guys in prison. What did they do with the Enron and WorldCom folks? They must be in serious lockup and not allowed to watch the video shoot.
Hey another new bass player for Metallica. Must be as tough as being the drummer for Pearl Jam.
The video ends with a surreal shot of a prisoner holding up his detached fake leg and hopping on his one real leg. That??s about the only redeeming quality of the video. Oh wait, they??ve topped it now:
??To all the souls impacted by San Quentin, your spirit will forever be a part of Metallica.? ?? James, Lars, Kirk and Robert
Must make that mother of the kid who was killed by a return inmate feel wonderful knowing that she is a part of Metallica. I move on.
Hey, more rapper (featuring posse) videos, oh and the Ruben Studdard area code thing is hip too.
There are a ton of commercials too. Thank god for TiVo and the FF button. Oh wait, Jewel ?? a retrospective commercial leading up to the slutty new Jewel. Someone needs to tell her that the TRL slutty girl window closes when you reach 20. This will be then end of Jewel. She will be at the birchmere before you know it reading poetry.
I??m really starting to think that only black people watch TV from 3-6. I??m looking for some opinions on this one.
Wait, a one named R&B act with a rapper sidekick ?? is this allowed? Beyonce?? (who clearly got the memo about dropping the last name) featuring Jay-Z. I think I??ve already seen this video ?? it was called Jenny from the Block.
Good Charlotte "Girls and Boys." No wonder they get booed on stage. These guys are terrible, but for video merit, the old people doing young people tricks is pretty funny. It??s much better on Mute though. What??s with bands wearing other current bands t-shirts in videos? It always been ways to promote new, lesser known bands, but slipknot probably doesn??t need GC??s help. And can slipknot say that a faggoty band cannot wear their t-shirts? Someone needs to do some research on this. I know this board protects Good Charlotte like you don??t let people find out about your alcoholic uncle, so I??ll just leave the mute button on and move on.
Ashanti??s up next. I thought she was dead. Moving on...
MTV NEWS: You heard it first, ??WhiteStarr? is LA??s new thing. Yawn. They??re from the emerging ??Malibu Music Scene? that cracked me up. Seriously, these guys have all the connections in the world through their fathers, do they really need MTV??s help. And only black people are watching right now, so why bother doing a report on the new "classic rock" act?
Just for the Rhett Market ?? Michelle Branch. I really can??t tell the difference between Norah Jones, Michelle Branch and the other one who??s name I can??t remember. I hope they go away soon.
This first hour has been painful. Lot??s of retro sports clothing ?? note to self ?? must go spend a fortune on retro sports jerseys that you threw away or donated to the good will years ago.
FINALLY. Maybe the white people wake up at 4 because it??s the new White Stripes Video. Not only does the new album sound amazing, this video is fucking cool too ?? fantastic artistry. It??s nice to see a band take both their music and their videos seriously. Although the video depicts Jack playing guitar through the bass line and we all know that??s not true. Maybe I should reconsider seeing them at the bigger venue. It??s super trippy in realtime, fast forward and fast reverese. Oops. I??m getting dizzy ?? must move on.
SWEET. Pink and the Charlie??s Angels. Can??t get too much T&A. Confession: I saw the making of this video and dug it (and I know all of the effects. Well they??re just special.) Smackette and I need to see this movie ?? I love McG. Anybody that puts ??smack my bitch up? in the background of a chick fight scene is a guy I need to have a drink with. Anyhow, Pink is the 4th Charlies Angel trying to stop the bad guys. Oh well, she??s not as hot but I??ll take it. Oh, and Bernie Mac is no Bosley. Who let that happen?
Back to the R&B videos. Wait a minute, it??s repeating. I just saw this ??Monica? video an hour ago. Jesus Christ ?? you only spend 3 hours a day playing videos and you run the same ones? This channel needs to be cancelled (except for surf girls, of course).
Jay-z gets around huh? This guys either in every rap video or in his own video by himself (breaking the featuring posse rule).
Why are you still reading this? Why am I still writing this?
Wow, they really do repeat. J-Lo, I mean Beyonce, again. This is pure crap. All the rap acts look and sound alike so maybe they??re not repeating, but it??s really tough to tell.
MTV NEWS: Apparently nothing else in the music biz except ??WhiteStarr? ?? hmmm.
Second hour. 5 videos and 37 million commercials. This is utterly disappointing.
Rut roh rorge. A Radiohead video. I??m just in awe at the rotation on MTV now. Anyhow, ??There There? from the $2 bill show. Do you think Clay Aiken is scared that he sees what he will look like in 20 years in Yorke? And if your ears are that bad already, does it help to use those earpieces on stage? Probably not. Anyhow, I??ve seen this $2 bill show and quite enjoyed it. I??m looking forward to seeing Radiohead (and I??m seeing them away from DC so the band will actually perform).
The last hour featured only repeat videos from before except the token white people??s music video from Linkin Park directed by, of all people, Mark Romaneck, who I generally enjoy. Linkin Park are shit though so I??m losing respect for Mark. Every Linkin Park song sounds exactly the same. The silhouette of the lead singer looked like Bono circa the Pop tour so you know how bad that must have been.
Madonnna looks like a strung out whore in her new video. That was great when she was 25, but now at 45, it's really kind of freaking me out. She must have made this video for the European audience because they wuold like this kind of trash.
I??m giving up on this ?? it??s all commercials and the same damn videos. There you have it - I have sacrificed an hour or two of my life to confirm that MTV is still shite. The same 8-10 videos with a couple rock videos thrown in for good measure. Will Britney please come out of retirement to save this?
You may all go back your regularly scheduled banter and screen name changing now.
