Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This of course, to limit his strength & mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris punched his way out of his mothers womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck norris flew back in time using a secret technique tought to him by bruce lee. There he roundhouse kicked leonardo da vinci and stole his plans to a machine leonardo has been working on his whole life. That machine was the total gym.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't $%&# with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living poo out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the poo out of little kids.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris ate a rubiks cube and pooped it out solved.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
In WWII Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
The roundhouse kick has been proven to be more deady than kryptonite. The Death of Superman? Yeah, that was from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.
Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Bar.
Chuck Norris went on a jungle trek and spit into a hole. His saliva created the Fountain of Youth.
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.
Chuck Norris is so gifted in baseball that everytime he hits a homerun everyone watching becomes pregnant. Hence the reason he doesn't play in the major leagues.
Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.
Ghandi used to be a Nazi before Chuck Norris Round House Kicked him in the face. Showing him that violence is not the answer.
Chuck Norris once challenged Oprah to a grudge match after she gave his biography bad reviews. She declined so he round house kicked her face.
One time Chuck Norris took a hot steaming dump inside a four-dollar hooker with webbed feet. 9 months later, Steve Ballmer was born. He roundhouse kicked Steve Ballmer, and at that moment, the "360" era was born.
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When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
Vin Diesel was scheduled to be Stalone's stunt double in Rambo, but he was replaced after refusing to wearing a parachute when jumping from the plane.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.
If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
During the dark ages, Vin Diesel narrowly avoided being burned at the stake by building a bridge out of five witches.
Sheep count Vin Diesels when they can't sleep.
Vin Diesel consumed 16oz. of Chinese mustard, breathed fire, then proceeded to climb the Empire State Building after watching the 1930's version of King Kong.
Curiousity killed the cat. If by "curiosity" you mean "Vin Diesel" and by "killed" you mean "killed".
Contrary to popular belief, Vin Diesel, not the Emancipation Proclamation, set the slaves free years before the Civil War. The Civil War was actually just a clan battle between L1nc0ln and xx_J3ff3rs0n_xx, which Vin Diesel won anyway.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him
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Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.
Why does Mr. T wear still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities the fool who don't!
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.
Who let the dogs out? Mr. T did, that's who. What the heck are you going to do about it?
Mr. T survived a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. He was the first and only one to do so.
Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.
23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Mr. T doesn't obey the second law of thermodynamics. It obeys him.
Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.
Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
When the end of the world comes, it won't be referred to as "Judgment Day". Rather, it shall be called "T-Day", when Mr. T ends the world by simultaneously pitying all six billion fools on this planet to death.
Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
When Mr. T cuts onions, it's the onions doing the crying.
Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.
The Manhattan Project really did not create the atom bomb, but instead put Mr. T?s pity in a bottle and then dropped it on Japan.
During the filming of Rocky III, Burgess Meredith asked Mr. T why he wore so much gold. To make a long story short, the script had to be changed to include Mickey's "accidental" death.
Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.
When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.
Mr. T rejoiced as President George W. Bush was elected to office, as the coming administration would assure that he would never run out of fools to pity.
Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.
Rome wasn't built in a day. But if Mr. T had assisted, it sure as heck would've been.
If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.
Mr. T invented cryogenics for the sole purpose of turning fools into Pity Pops, which he then sells to buy more gold chains.
Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.
Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.
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