20 Songs that are Ready and Waiting to be Turned Into Films
Clutch's "Elephant Riders"
Forget Jude Law and Nicole Kidman's upcoming Cold Mountain, the epic Civil War tale already earmarked for numerous Oscars. The drama of the Grey and Blue, as Gods & Generals already proved, is lost on modern audiences. What the warmongering public really wants is a more Harry Turtledove-ian "alternative history" take on things.
Our story opens as a deluded Confederate scout (Sweet Home Alabama's Josh Lucas), believing the Union to be on its last legs, hits the trail with a message for the front. But as he and his kid brother (Swimfan's Jesse Bradford) head North, they stumble upon the Union's not-so-secret plan. "On our way to Washington where work is done by men with gavels / I heard a sound that just about removed me from my filly's saddle / Just outside of Antietam, where once there was a mighty battle / I heard the rhythm of the hammers beating the rail lines together." As the horses crest the ridge, the camera cranes up to reveal:
General Ulysses S. Grant (George Clooney) leading a horde of Elephant Riders over the Appalachian Mountains, Hannibal style. Let the battle begin.
The Beatles' "Rocky Raccoon"
Who says the Western is dead? When Danny Devito balks at the idea of spending seven hours a day in the make-up chair to play legendary antihero Rocky Raccoon, the geniuses at Pixar step in, meshing the "live action-meets-animation" feel of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? with the dark milieu of Unforgiven. Unable to secure a PG-13 rating due to the overt sexuality of Ali Larter's Lil (whom everyone knows as Nancy), Pixar bites the bullet and produces the first partially animated film to win Best Picture (unless you count Titanic, Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind). Rumors of John Lennon's ghost wreaking havoc on the set are unsubstantiated.
Don McLean's "American Pie"
Putting the author's name in the title to ward off confusion with the teen sex comedy of the same name, Don MacLean's American Pie is given an existential take by director Terry Gilliam, relying on heavy-handed metaphor and expensive, nonsensical set-pieces to tell the story of a young man (Almost Famous's Billy Crudup) disillusioned with the day the Music (played by Bob Dylan) does, in fact, die. Due to budget overruns, studio interference and an inability to whittle the story down to a single logline for inclusion in the Sundance Film Festival's program guide, Pie replaces Lost in La Mancha as Gilliam's latest, greatest unfinished work. Bootleg copies of the scene where Satan (Spider-Man's Willem Dafoe) laughs with delight are quickly disseminated online.
Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London"
A horror film with style -- and I don't mean flashy camera moves and wink-wink, nudge-nudge humor, either. Cast a trio of natty British gents (I'm thinking Paul Bettany, Joseph Fiennes and Ian McKellen), write some high-class dialogue (and a high-class wardrobe), and utilize old-fashioned makeup effects and selectively edited violence (what's not shown always being more effective than gratuitous gore) and you could have the first pop-art horror franchise since the original Dracula. "I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's / And his hair was perfect." Call Ang Lee.
The Clash's "Rock the Casbah"
How better to bring democracy to Iraq than to make a fictitious film about the subversive power of Western music? Picking up where David O. Russell's Three Kings left off (but minus the cynicism, since that proved to be uncommercial), the film will thrill audiences the world over with exploits of traditional muslims casting off their shackles of oppression and getting down with a guaranteed-platinum soundtrack! Even better, film it as a musical and reserve space on Harvey Weinstein's shelf for another Best Picture Oscar! (The sound you hear on the DVD's alternate audio channel is Joe Strummer spinning in his grave.)
Dire Straits' "Sultans of Swing"
A bunch of 9-to-5ers while away the misery of their day jobs when they take the stage on Friday nights, acting out their dreams of becoming rock stars in their sleepy Louisiana town. What better escapist entertainment? Get some actors who also play music (Kevin Bacon, Forest Whitaker), some musicians who also act (Tom Waits, John Doe, Della Reese, Harry Connick, Jr.), and, in his first significant role in a film he doesn't also direct, Woody Allen. Pure feel-good Oscar bait. Steven Soderbergh's all over this one. Speaking of Tom Waits...
Tom Waits's "Murder in the Red Barn"
Actually, almost any Tom Waits song would make a great film, as the man says more with two words than some folks do with a double album. And isn't concise writing what a screenplay is all about? For sheer atmosphere, not to mention colorful characters (and names), it's hard to top "Murder in the Red Barn". You've got a murder no one wants to talk about, drifters playing the violin and sleeping in fridges, guilty women drinking alone, "and no one's asking Cal about that scar upon his face." Drop a nosy big-city detective into the mix (Nick Nolte, anyone?) and you have a police thriller that Clint Eastwood couldn't pass up.
The Smiths' "Girlfriend in a Coma"
Romantic comedies are a dime a dozen, but Morrissey's nod to the genre bears the customarily sharp wit we've come to expect from him... and from Ben Stiller, who teams with Adaptation's screenwriting/directing combo, Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jonze, to produce this black comedy paean concerning a disaffected boyfriend who secretly hopes his girlfriend isn't revived from her coma so as to avoid having to break up with her. Owen Wilson, of course, guests as the obligatory male nurse buddy character.
Soul Coughing's "City of Motors"
From the band that epitomized film noir in the '90s, we bring you... a film noir. This one's got it all: office murders, a body thrown down an elevator shaft, grisly discoveries made by underpaid cleaning ladies, and a tragic ending for the antihero (I'm thinking Bruce Willis in a career-redefining role ten years after Pulp Fiction) involving a leaky propane pump and an ash flicked "like a wild, loose comma"... David Lynch, where are you?
Dar Williams's "Mortal City"
A small-town girl in the big city, a first date, an ice storm. The hospital alerts the city, please turn your power off, we need it. Loneliness, regret, uncertainty -- maybe she shouldn't have moved here after all. But wait! Against all odds, the awkward couple (Save the Last Dance's Julia Stiles and Orlando "Legolas" Bloom) falls in love, bundled in sweatshirts and huddled under blankets while, half a city away, "one thousand hearts by their bedsides waiting / saying that's my love in the white gown / we are not lost in the mortal city." So damn uplifting it almost makes me cry -- and happy endings spell "repeat customers" at the box office.
Sublime's "The Wrong Way"
Catering to the "attractive pre-teen in jeopardy" taboo audience, we pair High Fidelity's Jack Black with a bold, up-and-coming ingenue (Charlotte Church, I'm looking at you), break a few laws and watch the cult following roll in. "Strong as I am, but I am only a man, so I take her to the can, it's the wrong way," indeed. If we change the part where he wants to shoot her dad to a nunchuku brawl in the middle of a crowded food court, I'm sure Quentin Tarantino would be interested. Speaking of Jack Black...
Tenacious D's "Wonder Boy"
Do we really have to spell it out? A tortured superhero (with the power to move you!) versus his nefarious arch-rival and nemesis, Nastyman, who in the end unite to battle a common foe -- in this case, the gargantuan Hydra, who threatens the cloud castle high above the mucky-muck. Differences are overcome and friendships are forged! This is the stuff legends (to say nothing of merchandising tie-ins) are made of!
A Tribe Called Quest's "I Left My Wallet in El Segundo"
A road movie with hip-hop flava? What studio head could pass this up? 2 Fast 2 Furious's Tyrese and Barbershop's Sean Patrick Thomas take a three day road trip from NY to Cali, only to lose the titular wallet at a skeevy Mexican restaurant along the way. Said wallet contains the phone numbers of Tyrese's many girlfriends. Hijinks ensue. Slightly less plot than Road Trip itself, but certainly more hip. DJ Qualls inexplicably costars.
The Transplants' "Diamonds and Guns"
I can't tell if this song is supposed to be a parody of Guy Ritchie films or if it's a pitch for one, but it has all the elements necessary for an ensemble heist action-comedy: quirky characters with wacky accents, bombs, fucked up plans and an angry woman named Mama, not to mention "the fucking bitch who stole all the heroin." Plus, it name-checks Karl Malone, which begets the question: what else is The Mailman going to do after he retires from the NBA? A smooth transition to film looks likely, opposite Paul Walker, Dennis Hopper, Lucy Liu and Grace Slick (!) in this surefire hit.
J. Geils Band's "Angel Was a Centerfold"
Has there ever been a more surefire summer comedy hit? Just days before their ten year high school reunion, our hapless hero (Kevin Smith regular Jason Lee), forever luckless in love, discovers that his high school crush (The Italian Job's Charlize Theron) is now a skin magazine centerfold. Talk about your awkward moments! Will true love triumph, or are we in for another squirm-inducing comedy of uncomfortability, a la a Farrelly Brothers film? Only script consultant Magic Dick knows for sure.
Led Zeppelin's "The Battle of Evermore"
Fantasy epics, once the bane of Hollywood, have now become its bread and butter. But The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter can't carry the torch forever, so why not utilize today's razor-sharp CGI to recreate the epic Battle of Evermore? Even better, as evidenced by the group's recent willingness to Sell The Hell Out (see: Cadillac and Puff Daddy), Jimmy Page and Co. would surely condone the expansion of said legendary tale into a trendy trilogy. Todd MacFarlane-designed action figures, MTV Movie Awards spoofs and the thirtieth anniversary DVD boxed set are already being planned as we speak.
The Steve Miller Band's "Take the Money and Run"
Here's the pitch: Billy Joe (Pearl Harbor's Josh Hartnett) and Bobbie Sue (Ghost World's Thora Birch) are two young lovers with nothing better to do than sit around the house, get high and watch the tube. Here's what happens when they decide to cut loose. They head down to old El Paso. That's where they get into a great big hassle. Billy Joe shoots a man while robbing his castle. Bobbie Sue takes the money and runs. Cut to: Billy Mack (Monster's Ball's Billy Bob Thornton), he's a detective down in Texas...
Sheryl Crow's "All I Wanna Do"
Sure, this story's been lying around since Wyn Cooper wrote it as a poem, but it took Sheryl Crow to make it groovy. A woman of mysterious origin with seemingly no day job catches the eye of a buttoned-up, unemployed software programmer named William (or Bill, or Billy, or Mac or Buddy...) in a bar that faces a giant car wash. You know the rest. Numerous product placement opportunities for Budweiser, and a great test for the onscreen chemistry between Angelina Jolie and Vince Vaughn as they try to out-pout each other.
Coolio's "Cartoon Ghetto"
Everyone's favorite cornrowed rapper beat Harvey Birdman's skewering of cartoon values to the punch a decade ago when he eviscerated animated violence with this giddy, over the top send-up of the dark, seamy underbelly of two-dimensional gang warfare. "Now the war is on and Mickey Mouse is dead / Quickdraw McGraw took two to the head..." The ultra-cynical Gen-Yers will be lined up around the block for this one! What's Don Bluth doing these days?...
Avril Lavigne's "Sk8r Boi"
See, she's this uptight ballet dancer chick and he's this skater boy, and their love is doomed because her friends don't understand, and... what? It's already in production? See? We knew we were on to something.
