I had a weird experience on Saturday when I was out for brunch that has kept me laughing for days and I decided I would share on here since I typed it all up for one of my favorite columns
Behind Closed Ovens. I was seated at the bar and a few minutes later, a middle-aged gentleman was seated next to me.
The bartender/waitress asks the gentleman if she can get his drink order and he orders a mimosa, then quickly changes his mind and requests a gin and tonic. Obviously, my ears perked right up. The waitress asks if he had a gin preference and the gentleman said, "Tito's, please." Now, its important to establish for this story, the man pronounced this in the absolute oddest way possible. He would say TEEEEE-tohs, easily 25% louder than any other word in his sentences and with a look of pure, unadulterated joy on his face as though "Tito's" was the literal elixir of the Gods.
The waitress corrects the man, "Uh, Tito's is a vodka, actually," and the guy is absolutely incredulous. "Seriously? I've been ordering gin and tonics for years and always get Tito's, are you sure?" The waitress ensures him Tito's is definitely a vodka and asks if that's what he wants. He nods in approval.
The waitress starts pouring the vodka in a tumbler and the guy literally stands up and goes, "What are you doing!? I asked for Tito's! I knew you didn't know what you're talking about. Tito's gin!" The waitress looks confused (as do I) and shows him the bottle, pointing with one finger to where it clearly says "Tito's Handmade Vodka." Again, the guy looks completely stunned but instead of relenting he continues to increase his volume.
"I don't want Tito's vodka, I want the Tito's gin! Why would you put vodka in a gin and tonic!? How long have you been working in a bar, is this a joke?! Get me the Tito's!!" The waitress apologizes and tells him again, they do not have Tito's gin (she politely leaves out that such a thing does not exist) and asks if she could use a different gin. "What are you talking about! Do you have rocks in your head? Every bar in the world has Tito's gin, it's probably the most famous gin on Earth!" At this point he is openly gesticulating trying to include other customers in his mockery of this waitress' lack of knowledge of his imaginary gin.
The waitress' jaw just drops and he finally bellows, "It's right there! Just get the Tito's," and starts pointing at the liquor selection. She turns and tries to figure out which bottle he is indicating and he starts doing the whole "a little more to your left, up two" type thing.
When he said "with the red logo" I realized what he wanted about a second before the waitress did and held my breathe. I wanted so badly to have my belief confirmed and when her hand fell on the bottle and he went "YES! THE TITO'S!!" I was in a state of absolute comedic ecstasy. As she turned around revealing the bottle to the entire bar section, I couldn't hold back the laughter anymore and keeled over right in my seat.
"Sir, this is Tanqueray actually, is this what you want?"
He immediately sat back down on his bar stool and, without any sense of embarrassment, said at a normal volume, "We call that Tito's where I'm from."
tl; dr - Man calls Tanqueray "Tito's" repeatedly and acts like a buffoon.
