My conventional wisdom mindset says it'll be Trump, Cruz, Rubio, but instead I'm going to close my eyes and type what's in my heart:
as@+ks;./h ehraweuh 87as#s;d
whoops, ok eyes are back open.
Cruz 30
Trump 25
Rubio 25
Christie 5-10
Bush 5
Carson 5
everyone else zzzz
Cruz cruzes to the win, and Trump and Rubio tie for second, which is a huge victory for the Rube and a major loss by Trump, who correctly identifies Iowans as infected idiot-losers and promises to never again set foot in the state. He then announces he's running for Governor of Iowa, somehow instantly wins, and then flies back to Manhattan forever and never speaks in public again. Rubio meanwhile smiles so widely and fiercely he loses 5 pounds and 7 years. Later that evening, he will be denied entry into his own victory party.
Christie gets just enough support to crow that he's trending upward, Ben says he's disappointed but has a base to build on as he slashes his campaign staff by 80 percent, Jeb!s face gets permanently pink but he presses onto NH, Carly begins Phase 2 of Operation VP, Kasich bursts into angry flames, and nobody watches or notices what Paul, Santorum and Gilmore do.
For the Democrats, Hillary edges out a squeaker on the toilet and at the caucuses, beating Bernie 52-48, while MOM sits on an ear of corn and calls it positive momentum. No one cares except the corn.
