Part Two
And so I sat there in a grubby gas station office, her words still reverberating around my head. I shit you not, my whole body started shuddering. It was the middle of the damn summer and I was shivering like a penguin would not, it was crazy. I vividly remember a customer actually coming in and I had to go service them, trembling like a blur (at the time, and maybe still, there was no self service for gas). This was it! Was this it? Maybe she meant that she wanted me to hang out with her son more? Maybe she got cut off and I didn?t hear ?..r brother?, which would have been weird because I didn?t have a brother. Fortunately, I was aware enough to know that opportunity had just punched me in the dick and at this moment, I could either be the Ace Frehley of the 70s or Ace Frehley of the 80s. My direction was clear.
I called her back, my mind furiously trying to draft a reply that would be cool and desirable. Looking back on it, I probably should?ve taken some notes first or at least work-shopped some material, but the urgency of the moment, as well as my boner, pushed me to strike right away.
When she answered, all I said was ?When?? Again, perhaps not the appropriate re-opener for the burgeoning loverman but you can?t re-write history. And she didn?t seem to mind, because she said that her husband would be out late on Friday, so she?d be available once her son was asleep. The date was set!
I wanna say this was either a weekend or at least a Monday or Tuesday, because I knew I had about 4 or 5 days to bide my time into The Fuckening was going to happen. And so I did what every man does when he?s trying to pitch woo to a lady: I totally avoided her, and when I saw her coming, I walked the opposite way. Come on, seriously, I was experiencing pure sexual terror. Remember, I only had a coloring book-deep knowledge of what intercourse actually involved. I didn?t know what was up there. What if it bit me? Or stole my wallet? These were uncharted waters.
Regardless, Friday eventually rolled around. It was around 8:00 I think, and I was closing up the gas station. Finally I knew it was time for me to step into the shoes of manhood, so I called her and said, So what?s the plan?
?There?s no plan, you?ve been treating me like shit. I?m not interested anymore.?
If my life had been a movie, this would?ve been one of those shots where the camera swirls in circles around me as I stare, open-mouthed, into the distance.
?What?!? I don?t get it.?
?You?ve been acting all week like I don?t exist. Forget it. [click]?
And so I sat in a disappointed chair realizing the ship had sailed and that I was left alone and dong-handed. That said, I also felt great relief and I walked home feeling relatively at peace with everything.
Over the next week, things returned to normal, and L and I slowly resumed our friendly, playful relationship, leaving our previous episode undiscussed. I?d thought a lot about what had happened, and was definitely leaning in the direction of, let?s see if we can get this car back out on the road. Eventually I found myself in her kitchen with her, while her son and other kids were racing around outside.
?Look, I?m sorry I wasn?t very friendly, I didn?t know what to do.?
?It?s ok,? she said with a smile, and then I was receiving the first real kiss I?d ever had, which was great. About ninety seconds later, I was receiving the first real blowjob I?d ever had, which was even greater! I think I was aware at that point that oral sex was a thing, but I still remember looking down and thinking ?You can do that?!?!?!?? And the answer was, YES. This was incredible! I was feeling sensations that were totally unfamiliar, being the ridiculous non-jerker that I was. And as I rode that tidal wave of pleasure and prepared to summit Mount Manhood, nothing could stop me. NOTHING!
Except my dad?s bellowing voice from our next-door backyard: ?Dinner time, let?s go!? Cummus Interruptus. She realized the fragility of the situation and stopped, and I sheepishly zipped up and went home. I do have a memory of dribbling a little at the dinner table and thinking ?Ah ha ha.? So, unsatisfying, but clearly a portent for things to come.
A few days later, typical summertime activities were afoot, specifically a water balloon/hosefight. At some point, I completely drenched L with water. She screamed and then made a big show that she had to go change, looking me directly in the eye. She disappeared into the house, I killed a couple minutes, and then slipped inside as well. Headed upstairs, walked in the bedroom, and BAM, a naked woman standing there. SHPROING! I was an old veteran of kissing now, having done it once, so we immediately began making out. I got a case of busy hands, this being the first time I?d ever touched the things I was touching, and she undid my pants, took it out, and right there, standing in the bedroom, put it in.
Now, when you experience something strange and new for the first time, that usually becomes your baseline knowledge of what it is. And yet despite having never been in a vagina before, I remember thinking ?This feels a lot looser than I thought it was supposed to be.? I mean, it was kind of like dropping dong in a warm glass of water, or doing jumping jacks in an empty arena. It just felt like a very large concert hall for a modestly sized voice to fill. And because it just didn?t feel right to me, I fled. No shit: yanked out, zipped up, barely heard her say ?That?s mean? and split. Seriously, I basically did everything wrong right from the beginning with this woman.
But AGAIN she didn?t hold it against me and within a couple days, we?d found another moment to give it a shot. This one was particularly momentous because we both got completely naked, so it felt like we were wearing the appropriate costumes to finally drive this car into the garage. And yet 30 seconds into it, ?Moo-oo-ooo-oom!? Her son was yelling for her, and this time she was the one who forced the ejection and then dressed and ran to him.
Was I cursed? Was I secretly sabotaging my sexual opportunities out of (perfectly legitimate, really) fears of closing the deal? These were the questions that reverberated through my head one night at home.
Finally, this choir of horny became so loud that I was propelled to act. I walked out of the house (actually, I snuck out because it was late), marched over to her house, stampeded inside ready to make my claim. And I couldn?t find her! I couldn?t call because her son was asleep so I looked and looked and then finally realized she was in the basement doing laundry.
So I went down there. She was surprised when she saw me, but accepted my embrace. Clothes were shucked and right then and there, I entered the miracle while she sat on a vibrating clothes dryer.
Afterward, she said she found it remarkable that A) my first time lasted as long as it did (5-7 minutes maybe?) and that B) I?d produced as much as I did. I remember telling her it was probably because I didn?t masturbate and she laughed so hard, for several minutes, that I actually got bored and annoyed.
And so commenced an affair with her that lasted more than a year. I turned 16 and began going out at nights with friends. At this point, I had a midnight curfew so I?d either be home or get dropped off at 11:30, and instead of walking into my house, I?d walk into L?s for some sexy sex. For the most part, we?d always meet at her house, though one bizarre evening when her husband and son were somewhere, we went to the drive-in and banged throughout Platoon.
You?d think I had just enough intellect and sensitivity to know how fragile this alliance with L was, and that I would emphasize discretion, but nooooooo. I was an insecure teenage dickbag who wasn?t particularly good at sports and so needed some other kind of hook to ensure popularity. Hey, I?m fucking a married woman! BOOM, instant cred. The entire high school knew. To this day, I?m amazed that it never got back to my parents, any of it. Furthering my popularity, I leveraged our relationship by having her buy me liquor. It got to where I?d cavalierly call her from a McDonalds payphone while out with buddies and say, ?Hey, would you mind getting me a case of Hamms? I?ll be there in an hour.? And she?d do it! Every time!
Eventually, like most guys, I got a girlfriend the same age as me. She was a really wonderful person, but not into the idea of sex (yet). So I was perfect for her! She couldn?t get over how unbelievably patient and understanding I was. And obviously that?s because twenty minutes after dropping her off, I?d be fucking L to the moon.
The perfect story and experience! Until it crashed. For the longest time, we were very careful about only hooking up when she was certain her husband was not due home for hours. But over time, we got sloppy, plus she developed a taste for lightning-strike trysts while he was home. She had a particular predilection for having sex in a time and place where she could see him working on his car or mowing the lawn. But you can only dance this way for so long before the music stops, and one day we were in the basement making out (fully clothed) when the door flew open and there he was.
If I didn?t mention, he?s a big guy, so I thought for sure I was about to be slain. There were several seconds-like-hours of total silence, and then he slammed the door and stomped off. L was very distraught about our having been caught, and when I asked her what I should do, she just said ?Go!? So I did.
And in one of those hard-to-believe stokes of luck, I literally left the next day to spend six weeks in Paris with my parents, thus enabling me to completely avoid any of the messy residue of what had happened. When I returned, just in time for my senior year of high school, her husband had moved out and she already had a new boyfriend, a real tough-guy Vietnam vet that seemed to hate me from the very beginning. L and I had a couple more trysts but there was a stink to our relationship now, and it faded pretty non-dramatically.
