In what was probably the most glaring example of poor judgement and lack of self respect in my history of such, I spent a year dating a girl who reminds me A LOT of Anna Nicole Smith. She was hot and she was a disaster.
A 42 car pileup with lipstick on it.
I had been warned about her by virtually everyone I knew. Previous boyfriends told of the horrors in store for me. But in spite of it, like a priapic Columbus, I navigated with my dick and planted my flag of discovery square on koo-koo bird island.
She was on at least eight different kinds of medication. This might have been a positive thing, what with her being a mental patient and all, but her decision to mix these happy pills with vodka turned her into, shall we say, a bit of a mess. Imagine a slobbering runway model with rubber bones trying to walk in cha-cha heels. She was every bit as embarassing -- sometimes WORSE -- than Anna Nicole's displays on her reality show. After many, many attempts to impress upon her what a retarded bummer she became after imbibing, I got fed up and tape recorded her ramblings to play back to her Raymond & Peter style. You'll be able to hear these on a snappy little album I'm working on, but for now, a brief transcription:
A: (sobbing, slurring) "I like karaoke, and you don't understand that."
or this chestnut:
A: (crying, hyperventilating) "I wanna go to The Birchmere to eat food but you'll be mad at me if I eat food!"
Me: I will not get mad at you for eating food. Food is the one thing you've consistantly eaten more of than anything else, and I'm comfortable with that.
A: WHY DO YOU HATE MY FRIENDS!!?? (collapses unconscious)
I could tell stories for days. Her mom (who I later learned can't fucking read) pointed to me as a negative influence and her daughter moved away somewhere. It was an unremitting nightmare. But she was, like, hot, dude!
Life is short for some, but it's hard to muster any feelings at all for someone who was barely there for it in the first place. I'd recommend avoiding chicks on meds, and if you can't, record every pathetic thing they do and say for entertainment's sake, just like the E! Network did with Anna. In the end it's all that can be salvaged.
<img src="http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/dayart/aponline/49896.3OBIT-ANNA-NICOLE-SMITH.sff.jpg" alt=" - " />
Tonight I heard Anna Nicole eulogized on a news program with the word " Superstar " ... Holy Hell, that term has sure slipped since it was first applied to dynamic showfolk like Sinatra and Pavorotti. They really should create a new title for this current breed of slurring, stumbling messes like Ms. Smith ... perhaps " Stuporstar " would be more appropriate.
