SETTING: an urban hellscape, at night. dim streetlight illuminates, barely, newspaper being blown down the street, bouncing off abandoned cars and falling into a smoldering dumpster. disembodied eyes float in the shadows.
ENTER STAGE LEFT: nervous white suburban couple, clearly out of their element.
her: this is stupid! we shouldn't be here! this isn't worth it!
him: shut it, woman! i've had more than 6 oz of beer - i'm ready for anything <facial expression implies otherwise>. besides... we're "packing", as our kid would say. we'll be fine...
<big impact sound as a pair of eyes jumps out of the shadows and reveals a man with a knife>
mugger: fork it ovah, muddafakers - imma knife you if you don't hand over the goods!
<couple hugs each other, man turning 90 degrees so wife is between him and mugger>
her: I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU SOOOO MANY TIMES THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!! HAAALP!
him: honey! quiet down! you're going to scare this guy and he'll do something we expect him to! <gathers himself together, pushes her aside> now see here, you truant - we will not give in to violence. we have rights!
her: <incredulously> WHAT THAT HELL ARE YOU DOING? GIVE HIM THE MONEY AND LET'S GET OUTTA HERE
him: <remembers something> yes, of course... the money. yes, he can have it. gimme your purse honey...
her: WHY MY PURSE? YOU HAVE A WALLET, IT'S GOT MORE CASH, GIVE HIM THAT!!!
him: <more urgently> uh, babe, please don't argue with me and give me the purse... NOW.
mugger: tick tock, mofos, i'm about to start what you expect me to start!
her: JUST GIVE HIM YOUR WALLET
him: <trying to whisper but failing due to adrenaline> honey i need YOUR purse because... because... of what's in it
<he grabs purse, couple starts tug-of-war over the purse>
her: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT'S IN IT... OOOOOOOOOOOH - THAT.
<intense glaring between the couple as they stop tussling over the purse, but don't let go>
her: <in another failed whisper> i'm a much better shot than you! and i have it in my hands! let me get it out!
him: <more failed whispering> just because you got a better score than me that one time - ONE TIME - at the range, you think you're frikken hawkeye? really? is this what this is all about??
her: <abandoning all pretense to whispering> this isn't time for heroics, mr. terminator, outta my way while i deal with this like i always do -
<couple resumes pulling purse back and forth while arguing>
mugger: yo, i don't mean to break up this couples counselling session, but someone's about to die if i don't get -
her: WAIT YOUR TURN I'M NOT DONE HERE WE'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE
<squabbling resumes while mugger looks on in disbelief>
him: ... and furthermore, that last time YOU actually did the dishes, i didn't say a thing about how poorly the job was done but ooooooh no, you have to - SHIT, look at the time, we're missing St. Vincent!!
<in a heretofore never seen act of coordination, both he and she reach into the purse, each grab one side of the gun, shoot the mugger, and run a 8:15 mile to the venue. man violently regrets having drank more than 6 oz of beer>
* FIN *