Romy Mars (Coppola)
Here she comes in her palanquin/On the back of a TikTok elephant! In a kitchen without onion, pasta, or silk! All astride on her father's line/with her mother, a scion to wine! And her babysitter’s boyfriend with her pitchers of liquors and milk!
And we'll all come praise the Infanta! My cinemaphilic Americans, reschedule your spring and summer schedules! The dog days need not be spent in Venice! Ask not for whom the Golden Lion tolls, it tolls for she! Continue to Cannes this May but cast your eyes not upon the glitterati at the Festival Palais; the wonders of La Croisette and the recently reopened Hotel du Cap-Eden-Roc in Antibes will be your entertainment! The 2024 Oscar race has end before it started: a Princess has emerged from her cocoon and she is everything! Everywhere! All at Once!
We have not been this rapturous about
a film since the lesser Van Trier released Nymphomaniac! Indeed, we all come praise the cinematic spectacle that is Romy Mars!
Inheritress to Francis-Ford and Sofia’s keen eye and father Thomas Mars’ attuned ear, Romy has exploded into our consciousness with a talent forged the same way all the great have! No, not by hard work – by being born great! EGOTs await!
In just 50 short seconds, everything we thought we knew about film has been reduced to a paintjob in a Cook Out bathroom, the kind that poor people have that explodes back up the side of the toilet and makes them wonder if they should go to the ER. Let’s break this down second by second:
[00:00-00:09] Incredible right out of the well-appointed gates. Romy is an everyman. Who among us has not chartered a helicopter on our father’s credit card to visit a friend? Maryland remains somewhat sus -- is she mispronouncing Maldives -- but no director is birthed fully-formed. But what a thesis statement of intent!
[00:09-00:15] Who would know what an uncooked garlic or onion looks like? This is what the help is for! This is a tale of woe. Will it be one of triumph? We shall see!
[00:16-00:16] Imagery is otherworldly and disturbing. This is not light summer fare. There are stakes. Knives are out, if you will. And these knives are not Claude Dozorme or even a decent Laguoille replica. Rian Johnson has likely killed himself just seeing what she’s done here.
[00:16-00:27] Move over Sofia, your daughter has things to say about multigenerational wealth, growing up in the shadow of Hollywood where she sees but is not seen and of being a woman who is able to be commodified yet not truly valued. SOUNDS LIKE SOME FAMILIAR TERROIR, yes?
Critics will debate for the next five decades her decision here to signify her family with her father’s Grammy and not her mother’s Oscar or Golden Lion nor any of her grandfathers wine bottles. Is this a statement of the reflective triteness of the Grammys? An actual statement of value? A repudiation of her elder filmmaking family members that she has exceeded right out of the gate? A mission statement? Volumes shall be written!
This is the definitive discussion of nepotism (read: good old fashioned Julian's American hard work) in cinema, and no other entries need apply.
[00:27-00:30] This film has taken a turn. This is not an experiment in cooking set to film; it is body horror. The dissection of the ballsack (literal or otherwise) is Cronenbergian. But these are not the crimes of the future. This grounding has castrated her; these are the crimes of the present.
[00:30-00:37] Finally, a foil worthy of Ms Mars’ immense talent! Ari! As with most of the hired help – useless, overpaid, unable to identify his statutory charges from a random dog that has entered the frame. If that house burns down, it burns on your watch Ari!
[00:37-00:43] We judged ye too soon, Ari! Fiasca, because it’s feminine? Woman’s History Month INDEED. Nay, Womens Wear Daily PRESENT!
[00:43-00:49] The $70,000 Persian rug has been pulled out from under me again! Bravo Romy! The proletariat are the problem. And what a clever call back with “Part 2”. Yes, I think your family knows how to make those, dear. We sit in anticipation.
[Full disclosure: I babysat Ms. Mars during the taping of her father’s MTV Unplugged performance many years ago when her mother had to take a call. I found her coquettish, alert, and with hair to kill for even then. Bias exists!]
Julian's America Score: 10 of 10
